It's difficult, because I get myself so worked up and anxious when I'm going to see him. So, I have a bit of wine to calm down and loosen up. Next time I will definitely go without. Maybe some relaxation exercise instead. Hope I didn't completely blow it.
When you drink, it needs to be in a safe environment with people with whom you can share anything.
This part is also very true. Don't drink around mutual friends or aquantances either. I made that mistake and regret things I said because they could get back to s.
I think your situations sounds like it has a lot of potential. Your H has a lot to work out on his own and they say it takes 6+ months for an affair to cool off. Your patiences and PMA will pay off later. You sound like you are doing great. Don't let one little slip get you down. It didn't do any perminent damage.
Me-38 W-44 D8 & D6 together '95, Wed '97, Bomb 11/18/08 Still in same house
Well, today things have taken a turn that I hadn't expected. Unfortunately, a friend of mine convinced me to start "snooping" again and I read many emails between H and the OW. Several times a week he sends her long, gushy love letters. So thankful and grateful that they found one another - so in love - perfect match etc. etc. In one (dated a month after they met and only five dates!) he mentioned that she would one day be his bride. Then, I found some very, very graphic sexual emails. Just like porn - about the sex between them. He wrote her this long fantasy email with every detail described. She responded in kind. So, he's found someone who likes to talk and act dirty, which isn't my cup of tea. He wrote in one of his notes to her - something along the lines of finally finding someone sophisticated and brilliant who is also wild sexually. From what I've learned, she's certainly not sophisticated and brilliant, but is obviously willing to do whatever it takes to hold on to him. So, now I feel like I need to pull back. We've had a couple of friendly visits, but I believe that he needs to see what life is like without me. Will she be able to fill the holes that are left if I'm not available? Unlikely. And maybe that will help him come to his senses. If not, maybe the sexual aspect of their relationship is more important to him. Very, very depressed today.
Sorry to hear about the tough stuff blueheart. I'm in a similar spot I believe. I was just agaonizing in my own thread about whether or not I am enabling my waw by showing up and fixing things and writing checks for her. But at the same time my kids are involved so i don't know how to avoid it. This is hard. Anyway, stay strong. Don't be depressed. Drop the rope and let him find out how empty a relationship can be with someone based on what you described above.
We don't have kids, but have 5 animals. One of them is an elderly dog who is like our son. When this all began H was going to the house every day to walk him. Last week, I changed it to twice a month. I can't deprive him of seeing the dog or of the dog spending time with him. He absolutely adores my H and is really getting up there in years. So, I think the best tact is to help out if you have to, but as infrequently and quickly as possible.
Starting to really believe that this is a full-blown MLC. Have done some reading about it. H complained of being depressed for a while before everything blew up. He talked about his age a lot - didn't do the fancy car, toys kind of thing, but then again - money has been tight. Found out that he came on to another woman about a week before finding his "life partner/true love" Both of these woman are people he went to HS with. THe first one rejected him and wrote to the second (his current soulmate) to warn her against my H. He was obviously seeking. The sex life with this new woman appears to be non-stop and dirty, dirty, dirty. His porn fantasy come to life. I'm even wondering if his addictive personality has created a sex addiction in addition to all else. If anyone is familiar with MLC, please let me know what you think. Thanks.
One more thought - I realize now that had the first woman accepted his advances, she would be the one that he'd be writing constant love letters to and declaring his undying love. So, to me, that means that the OW that he is now with is in that position because she is the one that acted as desparate as he did. How does that add up to true love?
Having a horrible, horrible day. One of those teary times when you feel hopeless and can't stop crying. I miss my H so much. I felt that I was letting him cake-eat too much, so I pulled back. Had no contact at all for a week (the longest since he left) and had limited, business-like contact via email yesterday. He seems much colder and I'm terrified. Actually, he tried to "chat with me yesterday on gmail, but I wasn't at my computer - sounded friendly. After that, he was much more curt. I wonder if my not being in touch (he had an important job interview last week and I didn't inquire about it) is making him feel like I just don't care anymore. It's a fine line - not allowing him to have his cake and eat it too, while still being there at some level. One of our problems was that he always felt that he came second, so I feel that I have to be careful about not reinforcing that. But he's still staying with the OW every weekend and I can't go too far. Any words of advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.
