I've decided it's time to come over from Newcomers since xBF and I have agreed to explore the option of getting back together.
Here's the recap:
Together 8+ years. Moved twice in three years for his career. After the move last year it felt like we were just in a rut but I assumed we'd figure out some way to get out and be fine. Not so.
Nov 08 xBF announces that he's not happy and hasn't been for the past 5 years. Two main issues are SSM (I am LD) and no common interests. I try to fix things (read SSM, go to doctor, buy lingerie, etc) and reason and talk which, surprise, does nothing. I suspect interest in coworker which of course he denies with "we're just friends." Thanksgiving I discover his EA/PA with coworker and he still denies.
Dec 08 we separate but stay in same house. I find DR and start LRT. I try to be the better option but am not good at loving detachment so come across as cold. I GAL and do 180s as best I can but not getting anywhere.
Jan 09 After a few more weeks of trying to DB I get fed up and kick him out of the house. Feels great! I decide I am done with him and make plans to move out of state to start a new life.
Feb 09 About a month after I throw him out, no contact, he makes noises about getting back together. He doesn't mention ending things with OW so I ignore him.
Mar 09 He says he is completely finished with OW (not exactly true) and writes a long letter declaring his love and desire to recommit. No action behind words so I don't believe him. We have a few serious convos that don't seem to be getting us anywhere.
I spent a long time asking myself if I really want a relationship with him. I still don't know the answer and don't think I will for a while. But when all this started I told him all I wanted was for us to explore our issues and determine if we are indeed a good match or if it would be better to go our separate ways. I thought we owed it to ourselves, each other, and our years together to do at least that. While he refused at the time, he brought it up and has asked me to do the same.
So after some serious soul searching I have agreed to explore the possibility. I'm not sure I will ever trust him again. I'm not sure I still love him. But I will try for now.
I need to spend some time reading up and getting to know the people here. I look forward to learning from your experience. I know I'm going to need all the help I can get to make it through this next part.
(FYI, I'm posting and running out of town so please don't think I'm rude if I don't respond right away. I'll be back on Monday.)
Hi guys, thanks for stopping by. I had a great couple days out of town and got back home this afternoon.
xBF and I went out tonight. Went to a comedy club and had dinner before the show. Pretty entertaining. Then we were going to go to a dessert place but there was a huge line and it's cold and rainy so we just went back to the house and chatted. It was funny for me because I told him all about my concert experience which I never really had before because I thought my interest in the band made him uncomfortable. Or maybe I just wanted to have something that was all mine. After all, I had been going to shows long before I met xBF and it was something I had shared with my girlfriends.
Anyway, as he was leaving he leaned in for a kiss. I turned my head so he kissed my cheek and had his hands on my hips. I didn't hug him back. I didn't know what to do but it felt like too much.
Now I feel overwhelmed and guilty and unsure of everything. I feel like I should want this to work but I don't have those feelings for him and don't know if I will again. I struggle with wanting to have fun and not wanting to give the impression that everything will just go back to normal without a lot of work.
Maybe I'm expecting too much of him and myself. Maybe I'm just overtired.
Last edited by pearlharbr; 04/19/0906:22 AM.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Interesting turn of events for you. Remember, you have to re-build - s l o w l y. You're becoming friends all over again - and there will be many awkward "goodnight" moments - to kiss or not to kiss? You know that's happened to all of us on first dates!
If you focus on having fun the "work" will happen naturally IMHO.
Like you, I've changed forums. Find me now in MLC.
Stay strong!
Me 56 H 47 Married 21 years No children Bomb & moved out 4/07 "My feelings have changed" & "I want to live by myself". Ow Bomb 8/07 H filed 6/08 D final 2/05/10
Today I still felt bad about last night so I called xBF and invited him over for dinner and TV catch up. (We used to watch a few shows religiously that we've both dropped since all this started.)
I figured he hasn't been eating home cooked meals since I did all the cooking, and actually neither have I because I don't really enjoy cooking and prefer the ease of frozen dinners. Thought it would be nice to cook something but didn't go overboard with anything fancy or his favorite. He showed up with flowers, nice gesture. Food was still cooking so we hung out in the kitchen for a while and chatted. Took dinner downstairs and watched a couple episodes of Lost and The Office. Again, comfortable just hanging out. Not much chit chat and no R talk.
When he left I walked him to the door, he thanked me for inviting him over and for the meal. He didn't go in for the kiss this time, just an awkward half hug. So I hugged him, really hugged him, for the first time in months.
He'll be out of town for business for most of the week so plenty of time for my GAL activities and an emotional break. The past couple days have been a little intense for me so I could use the down time.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
{{{Pearl}}}} Sorry it took me so long to get over here!! Sounds like a good weekend and I'm sure he appreciated you calling and the hug and GO him..flowers
Tawnya
Me:39 H:40 D18/S12 M20/T21 Bomb 10/11/08 One Two Three Four
I agree with Silver: Just concentrate on having fun and the "work" will happen naturally. You both learned a lot about each other during this period and now is the time to rebuild the R using the knowledge gained. Just try to enjoy each moment as it is, without too much thinking. I am happy for you!
How's my buddy doing?