I'm not sure where it would go, OT, but plan on it. I have learned that the kids and I just have to deal with the way things are - I don't bring things up or "test the waters" on a regular basis with the kids, anymore. They know that I am there if they want to talk.
I had a great weekend. D10 and I went to the campout and got to see lots of people I've missed. Some were my xBIL's closest friends who I watched grow up, and they are all having babies of their own, now (made me feel a little old!). We all used to hang out together at least a few times a year; x's family was just like that - siblings and friends. Anyway, I got to see their kids, but not BIL or his new baby. MIL asked me if I was going to go to the hospital, and I told her that they had my number and new I was in the area if they wanted to see me (she had a c-section and really discouraged any visitors, anyway).
We stayed over, then went to visit my closest friend who also lives down there. We got up early and went to the ocean beach, then ate out for lunch, mini-golf, ices, etc., before heading home.
Work continues on the house. I keep writing checks to fix messes that x left, do work that I'm not up to (electrical, etc.) That is what alimony is for, right?
Sally / Morgan!! SO good to hear from you - I really hope that things are going as well for you as they had been last we spoke. I was always pulling for you...
"I'm not sure where it would go, OT, but plan on it."
Good, I'm really interested in what they have to say. I see both positives and negatives.
On the one hand, it is great that you are offering DS support and showing your forgiveness. On the other hand, you put some pretty heavy stuff on DS on his birthday, perhaps made him feel as if HE should struggle more with forgiveness because there are SO MANY things EVERY day that you have to forgive. Also, I fear you may have showed that you were pleased when DS said XH "never asked him that." I dunno how to better explain it. All I can tell you is that if I were your son, after that convo I would have felt that I "should" have big problems with Dad for his past actions and that I "should" feel neglected by him, otherwise I'd be letting you down. THEN AGAIN, certainly offering support is a great thing, and it does no good to deny that DS might be struggling with forgiveness himself, so being open about it might have been just what he needed. So, again, I really see pros/cons to the interaction and would be very interested in what C and kid's C have to say.
BTW, what did C say about XH's attack post-kid's-C session?
I've actually held up the kids' ability to forgive as an example I am trying to follow - I've said that it is good that they have a positive relationship with their dad, and that I was hoping to continue growing and be able to "get along" better through forgiveness. It was actually a form of apology, since I reacted negatively recently upon seeing the gf with the kids and x during a drop-off - I said I am trying hard to stop that, that it is time to forgive and let it go, get past it. I didn't give him any response to his saying that his dad never asked him how he felt (my feeling is, that is a shame; not sure if my body language sent that idea). I think the whole thing came up when he mentioned the weirdness of the gf's kids coming over to our house.
IC today said that it is good to check in with the kids every now and then; that I would probably be doing this, anyway, opening a door that the kids might then jump on. But to let them know that I am open, considering how they are feeling, etc. It doesn't have to focus on the divorce - just life in general. And S and I have had those kinds of discussions, too (about school pressure, friends, girls). I just try to find a quiet time, one that he isn't just sitting across from me "in the hot seat," where I can ask a simple lead-in question and see if he has anything to say. If he doesn't, I tell him ok and that I am there for him whenever he'd like to talk about anything.
About the x's statements after the last session, she just said to make sure to address it with the next meeting, right at the beginning. That the anger and baiting is not surprising, since he was always most comfortable with me acting out / defending / being upset, etc. He didn't get that response this time.
Yeah, it's gonna be all about the particulars of the context of the convo...
"About the x's statements after the last session, she just said to make sure to address it with the next meeting, right at the beginning. That the anger and baiting is not surprising, since he was always most comfortable with me acting out / defending / being upset, etc. He didn't get that response this time."
A line of a movie struck me last night...something about how everything is now different and there is no going back, so better get to know the stranger who she now found herself to be.
I kind of feel like that.
Everything, or nearly so, that I thought I knew, was wrong. So much around me, and within me, has changed over the last 2 years, and I'll never be the same. Part of it is an innocence, part of it is a blind denial in order to be happy. Not sure what the worth was in that, anymore. But man, did I try to hold on to it, with every bit of strength and will and prayer and pleading and personal contortion that I could muster.
And now, I'm just left with me.
I remember being so alone as a kid...waiting and hoping that some day I wouldn't be, then finally accepting / that it was the only way I would end up. No one was more surprised than me, when I wasn't alone, anymore.
But in reality, I don't think I ever stopped being alone; I just found a way, my own way, to pretend. And so did he. It feels like so much of it was all smoke and mirrors now to look at it.
I think that maybe I am just lonely.
My kids aren't home. And it's not the same connection with them, anyway - it can't be. But I can hear the life I used to have, over the phone, when I call to talk to them. The simple home sounds of getting ready for dinner. And I miss that life.
But is it just the comfort, the familiar?
I don't know. I don't know much of anything now a days. Back to the untethered balloon feeling. So, I guess I'll just keep going with the motions; there is always more that needs to be done, that I want to get done, that can fit into one day, anyway. Well, the sensation and situation hasn't changed, even though the depression has lifted. I must be getting used to it. Life as it is, rather than as I would have it be.
Hey donna, thanks for sharing your thoughts. I also sometimes feel like the stranger I've become. What I used to think was heartfelt emotion now seems like self-deceiving justifications. My D taught me that I'm a bad judge of others' intentions and it's since been hard to get past the sense that life is about to throw out another 180.
Like you, I hope I'm just lonely, but so many times I feel like my GAL and PMA is just going through the motions. I've lost the happiness I used to be able to experience. Time with friends is fun but I feel an innocent joy is no longer there.
I could counsel you with stuff you've already heard - i know because I've heard it too. But I really just wanted to say I hear you.
Like you, I hope I'm just lonely, but so many times I feel like my GAL and PMA is just going through the motions. I've lost the happiness I used to be able to experience. Time with friends is fun but I feel an innocent joy is no longer there.
Exactly! Well put.
Me-43 H-46 M 12 yrs 7/09 T 15 2 grown kids bomb 7/05/07 H moved out 8/04/07 11/22/09 told him I quit;let's get ball rolling Mid Dec- he isn't sure he wants D End 2/2010-Starting to consider piecing
lodo, you added to my thoughts. Seems we are in similar places.
MIL came over and said I should up the dosage on my "happy pills" again. Sometimes her judgments are such a PITA.
It didn't help that my toilet overflowed around midnight last night...
I overslept today, then sat around watching mindless tv. I need a shower. Blech. I know that hibernating is not good (see my tag line). D10 called to ask if they could stay with x a little later since they just got back from the waterfalls hike they took today.
Man, that sounds really down. I guess I am today; have to move more tomorrow and snap out of it.
