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It went. I'm not sure what is going to come of this whole thing. Today resulted in me saying that I will notify him right away about medical issues with the kids (I had been emailing him within a day or two, and he'd like it sooner; whatever). He'd like to be able to have both of us go to events for the kids; I said I would if I was assured that his gf would not be there. The IC pointed out that this is where I was, that it must be incredibly difficult for me to be put into those situations, and could he meet those parameters - he said yes.

I brought up how he discounts anything that I have to say if he doesn't like it, in regards to the kids and how they are dealing with things. That S14 will talk about things with me and just isn't interested in doing that with him. One of the goals was to educate us on the effects of divorce on the kids, and make the best of it.

I said that I'd like to have right of first refusal if he wasn't going to be around during his visitation (like this Saturday). He agreed, but after this Saturday. I asked that they be supervised, since I just heard how the oldest girl there sprayed her sleeve with perfume and set it on fire with a lighter to show the younger kids, including mine.

I was happy with the way that the IC kept things on track; she noted when she felt tension and emotion but brought things back. I know that I needed that, and it felt safer.

When I went outside, he hung around long enough to angrily tell me that I should not be demonizing everyone at his house, especially since I wasn't with S14 at the BMX track, where x feels he should be supervised. He yelled, "Weren't you the one who grew up with that kid who killed animals?" (um, he was a product of DIVORCE, idiot! - talk about harping back to the past) - I just said yeah, and look how well I turned out. He left in disgust, and I don't care.

Another appt at the end of the month.

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You did great!!!!

As for this: "When I went outside, he hung around long enough to angrily tell me that I should not be demonizing everyone at his house, especially since I wasn't with S14 at the BMX track, where x feels he should be supervised. He yelled, "Weren't you the one who grew up with that kid who killed animals?" "

WHAT A CREEP!!!

This I think is worth bringing up at the next session and/or emailing the C about. It is NOT OK for him to use these sessions as assault-opportunities. What B.S. Thinking about it more, I really think you should definitely email the C. Those sessions are supposed to be safe spaces for the two of you to work together. He needs to be called on that crap and it needs to be agreed that it won't happen again. But let C determine the strategy here...

And, in any case, next time: "This conversation needs to happen with C, save it for next time." Then, walk away. Don't give him the power. Don't engage with him when he pulls this crap. What a tragic figure he cuts, and tragic figures really are not attractive life partners. Yuck.


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This has been the pattern of our communication outside of email. Now, there have been many times when I went to the "you should have stayed" thing (and now I am relieved to know where that came from!), but he would turn angry and use it as a lead-in to justify himself at my expense.
I hope my quip took some of the wind out of his sails.

Tragic is a good descriptor. In the same vein as Anakin Skywalker (ok, I'm a geek).

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NOT a la Anakin Skywalker -- he is too romantic, noble in his fictional way.

I was thinking more real life tragic -- like Michael Jackson.


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You just made me laugh out loud!!! X was extremely homophobic - I think he would have punched wacko right in the head, just for standing there, if he ever came across him.
The more distance I have, the better I feel about the way things are.

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I needed to read this today, and remember it.

Quote:
Forgiveness Is Not Relieving the Other Person of Responsibility
Day 298

Forgiving someone does not mean you are letting that person off the hook. The wrongs that have been done to you and to your children need to be righted, but it is not your responsibility to bring that about. God is a just and righteous judge. He is the only one who can judge and condemn a person for an unrepentant heart. This is not your job and should not be your job.

Doug Easterday explains what your responsibility is in forgiveness: "Forgiveness is getting your heart right with God. The people who have wronged you are still responsible before God for what they've done. You're not alleviating them of their responsibility. You're simply transferring it to God where it actually belongs. If you require them to answer to you, you have just the same amount of problems they do."

Harold Graham shares how his pastor once explained forgiveness: "When you forgive, it seems like you're taking that person off the hook. But what you're really doing is taking him or her off your hook and allowing God to put that person on His hook. As long as you have that person on your hook, you block God from that person and you also block God from you."

Your job is to be right with God, and not seek vengeance or retribution, or hold on to blame. You must let go of that person's wrongdoing so you can be right with the Lord.

"Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven" (Luke 6:37).

Holy God, I'm holding on too tightly to things that are only hurting me. Forgive me for blocking Your work and Your healing in the life of my former spouse and in me. Amen.

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X was required to complete the AC in the house as part of the divorce agreement. It was supposed to happen by 11/1/08. He just got it done yesterday, and I had to be out of the house (long story). It is the first time he has been in the house in more than a year.

He called to tell me that he was done, but not done (are we surprised?). He'll be back tomorrow, since he didn't have all of the materials he needed. But even then, it won't be complete. There are things of his parents' stored upstairs, and he doesn't want to move it out of the way to complete the job. His father certainly can't get up there to move the stuff.

Now, the convo had started off pretty well - respectful and business on both parts. When I asked him a little more about the work, and if he would be able to get here in the fall to finish it up, he simply said he feels his "obligation has certainly been met." So much for that - just another reminder of what he is and where his head is at. And I have been so careful to not ask him for ANY favors (I remember us walking through the house, me taking notes on how to take care of things, with him crying, saying it wasn't like he wouldn't ever be back to help - and I said then, what do you think divorce is?)
I'll let him do what he is going to do on Monday, then have my contractor finish the job right. At least it won't cost as much as it could have (that is, if he did it right to begin with). I was riled, but not for too long - a vent to a friend got it out of my system. Anger still feels so much better than sadness, though! And I can let anger go much faster.

He took the flagpole that his parents hoped he would leave. I guess he doesn't care about their requests, either. It didn't bother me either way; just surprised (for a minute). He asked me about copies of the old photos, back when I used to have doubles made up. I just said that I haven't gone through them in years, myself (I was tempted to ask if his gf wanted to make a scrapbook for him - what the hell does he want pictures of something that was "so terrible" he decided to leave? I don't get it, but whatever...) I guess I'll get to that over the summer...although I'm also thinking of asking a high schooler to sort them for me - they need to be sorted, anyway.

I have my IC tomorrow (not the co-parenting therapist, but they are colleagues with clearance to talk freely about our family), so will bring up the end-of-session attack. I have to say, with every encounter, it is easier to shake things off without the previous clutching...the shedding gets easier, feels better. I wouldn't be surprised if I find both of them complete irrelevant in the very near future. What a difference....

Kids are home at 7:30 tonight. I think we'll go out for ice cream smile

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I love this! Gives me a new way to look at things. Thanks for sharing


found out about affair 8/06
H moves out Nov/06
D final 8/07
X re marries OW 5/08
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Courage does not always roar, sometimes it is a quiet voice at the end of the day saying... " I will try again tomorrow".
-- Mary Anne Radmacher


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In a strange/melancholy mood tonight.

My x-BIL and his new wife had their baby today. I will be on LI tomorrow, having been invited by the x-SIL to go camping with my kids, her, her H and son (a scouting thing, something I practically grew up with). I will be close enough that I could stop for a short visit to the hospital. I won't without an invite, though...

I'm not sure if I will be an aunt to this baby. I don't know my place, anymore. I am guessing not. I can send presents, but he probably won't grow to know me. The natural consequences of divorce. My FIL was the one to call me with the baby's name - it was at 4pm, and the baby was born at 8:30am. And it's ok, just an observation.

Yesterday was my S's birthday - 14. He is really growing to be a good person; in a quiet moment today, I asked him if there was anything I could do to make things better for him, something I wasn't doing, for where he is, where our family is. I mentioned how I was seeking forgiveness, and to be able to forgive other's hurts against me, even if I have to re-forgive every day, every time a different thought comes into my head. He said there wasn't anything else I could do for him, that he was ok, and said his father had never asked him that.
This was after the gf's kids, having come over from across the street (where their father had met them for their weekend visitation), were all hanging out at my house. It is bizarre - these little souls, stuck in this mess, and they won't even remember a time when it wasn't like this. They don't ask to come over, they just wander here when they see me or my kids outside. They make small talk - the littlest is going into 1st grade, the other into 2nd. My kids' psuedo-step-sisters. My sister is not convinced that one or both of them isn't fathered by my x. Nothing would surprise me, anymore.

I had been pulling into the driveway when the gf was across the street, dropping her kids off for the visit. I just went inside; her and her x are cordial, talk to each other often, and can be together "for the kids."

I guess it brings me to wonder if...

stupid word, if.

But this is more the "if he ever thinks back on me, on us, and remembers any of the good....if he misses his friend." I sometimes envy those here who have a WAS who comes to them and says they realize now that it was all a mistake, not what they wanted. Those WAS's who are confused and flip-flop.
My X never did. The light-switch got flipped, and he was gone, then only angry. Just like that. He has never waivered. Does that make him more screwed up, or less?

I know....none of it matters. It is all as if from a dream, something that I used to know, long ago. And I wonder how much of it was dream, was real. I know that I chose to be happy in the marriage I was in, in spite of the flaws.

And I choose to be happy, now. But there are still moments of quiet mourning. I will take the moments; it's not my entire life and existence, anymore.

I do wonder about my other friends, the "in-real-life" friends. I think I have a collection of acquaintances. I have one very close friend, but she lives in another state and we can't be together often. My x was my closest of friends, so I didn't develop many other ones. I am working on that, but it is hard. Even here, I wonder how others' perceive me, as I post less and less but don't seem to be missed much (that is NOT a convert ploy to have people post! I just wonder what it is about me...too serious? too boring? too something.......) I think I remember reading once that ACOA people have a poor idea of how others perceive them. I don't rush out to try to become someone I'm not, or do things for others to validate me - I am just trying to be who I am, my authentic self. Maybe I am just wondering where that will take me...
working on becoming the best ME I can be, the best version of my authentic self.

***

On another note, X did the work on the AC in the house last weekend. It isn't finished, and he nearly killed the tech who came to get the unit charged and running (wiring mistake and the guy got electrocuted). So, I called in an electrician and will just pay to get the work complete.
The contractor guy who has been doing work on the house came back from vaca, except he had bought the materials for the deck that I had scapped the idea of, since the money is quickly drying up. A new major leak in the basement required him to redo the front porch he had worked on for me. Then, I needed him to tear out the mess of a bathroom downstairs that X had started and left a mess, instead - so, that is straightened out, and the bathroom is gutted. I even found a new sink that I can re-use (I have NO idea where it came from or how long it was in the basement!) New windows are on order for the basement, and the in-ground pool will be demo'd by the end of next week. With those major projects done, I will feel like my investment (the house) is up-to-date with maintenance.

I'm just so fortunate that I have some time to address all of these things before work and school is pressing down on me again.

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It would be good to share this with your C and the kids' C: "Yesterday was my S's birthday - 14. He is really growing to be a good person; in a quiet moment today, I asked him if there was anything I could do to make things better for him, something I wasn't doing, for where he is, where our family is. I mentioned how I was seeking forgiveness, and to be able to forgive other's hurts against me, even if I have to re-forgive every day, every time a different thought comes into my head. He said there wasn't anything else I could do for him, that he was ok, and said his father had never asked him that."

What a relief it will be to have all of that work completed! Great job :-)


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