from X: the tub has been there for almost 7 years and they have barely ever used it. is still don't think it is for them. if you are "sure" they will use it how's this. i know money is tight but i think this is reasonable, you give me 500 and a letter saying that i am not responsible for the a/c. my time is worth alot more than that and i think you really don't want me in the house anyway. then we can stop "haggling" and be done with all this crap and move on. what do you say?
me: They barely ever used it because you kept the temp too high for ANY of us to use it (remember when you bought it to bring us closer together?) Do you really think I want to keep the thing for ME, given all the history that it has? Of course, I would rather not haggle over something that is for our kids. Do you even notice when I put the kids first, like this past weekend? I don't have ulterior motives. If you are so desperate for the money, I'll give you $500. I can't afford to have someone else do the A/C - that needs to be done, and it's almost a year since you signed a contract to do the work and gave your word. Your children live in this house, and need the AC to work reliably. You have no idea what I think, not for a very long time, so stop making assumptions. Funny thing, I stumbled across cards from 2005 from you yesterday while I was looking through the file cabinet. What have you turned in to. Try to eliminate the nastiness.
We still have to find a mutual time to go over the holiday schedule; give me a few times that work for you, and I'll get back to you with a confirmed time.
*** Yep, I let a little emotion slip in. But come on, I'm human! WHY is he such a continual a$$???????
Saw your plea for help on FB and came over to read. And - oh - the memories this all brought back. Gosh - you'd think his name was "Chuck" or something.
First off - divorce is a business transaction and as much as it is tempting to go off on him during this time - it doesn't help you or your situation. (I was told this repeatedly and still reacted the way you did.). He will not "get it". He is just about the money now.
Compare to this. Our house was built for our disabled son. That didn't stop him from wanting me to sell it so he could get his bucks out. To heck with the fact I had to move into a house with stairs with an adult son who could not climb them - not his problem!
Neither of you can say whether the kids will use it or not. I think you should decide which is of more value to you - the tub or the AC repair. If it were me - I'd take the tub. I'd figure out the AC with someone else, anyone else but him. I'd never let him in the house again. That is what I did and things got better since I made that rule.
As far as schedules etc - I think some of this negotiating needs to be handled by the attorneys since it is back to being a hurling match between the 2 of you. Divorce can be quite nasty and you and I had some of the worst situations to deal with.
He can't really sell the tub without your approval. If you want it, don't sign. But be prepared - you'll lose something else. Think carefully about what you want the most and what you're willing to concede. Choose wisely.
You wouldn't know that it has been a YEAR since our divorce! He just keeps shoveling the crap. It stuns me, really.
He is just pissed that I didn't "fall" for his stupid offer to trade the 96 leaky camper for the hot tub he started the affair in (I was SUCH an idiot, and turned the other cheek when he kept it too hot for his own family to use, but then-OW would walk across the street, past his parents' apt, and hope in for an hour or 2 while I was inside with the kids and the dishes). I've never said it to him, but if he insisted that the tub was half his, he was going to get his half - cut down the middle with a demo saw! That, or filled with as much dog crap as I could find.... I mean, come on, talk about rubbing my face in it. I can't believe to what depths of insensitivity he goes to.
And now he wants to get out of other things he agreed to, and I was good enough to not bring it to court and have contempt charges filed!
Are we all really sure that a skillet up the head doesn't bring any sense back into them? I've been tempted over and over again for close to three years, now!
Ugh, just frustrating, and venting.
He hasn't been in the house since about 3 weeks after I tossed his stuff, back in 7/07; his friend helped him clean out the rest of his things. I've made so many improvements, finished so many jobs that he half-a$$ed started....I almost welcome him to come in one last time and see that, hey, she didn't fall apart! Wow, what did I really leave behind? (Of course, I KNOW that he will never allow himself to think this way, but it would make me feel better to kind of go Nah-Nah silently to myself).
this reminded me of me and my X. he was always so concernd about the money he would make off of something. we had a desk (no drawers, just a cheap thing we bought and put together) and I wanted to donate it to good will and he wanted to sell it. I say keep the tub. You know your kids.. if you say they will use it than they will. Stay strong ! sorry its not much advice, I am alittle rusty posting on here.
found out about affair 8/06 H moves out Nov/06 D final 8/07 X re marries OW 5/08 _________________________ Courage does not always roar, sometimes it is a quiet voice at the end of the day saying... " I will try again tomorrow". -- Mary Anne Radmacher
ditto on the very last line above. And do think very well if the kids will get to use it or if it will one huge thing on the way that will need maintenance/cleaning and that no one uses often, will it cost to keep it in good shape, can you deal with it? if yes then keep it.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
this is the last email from him. color me surprised (not).
from x: go to hell!! i am not the one who has a problem with making assumptions. you had no right to assume the tub to be yours and incorporate it into your yard after you signed a contract saying it was to be sold. you spoke to the kids and brought their emotions into this when they should not have been involved. you were the one that insisted that the tub be sold in the first place. as for the a/c, i tried multiple times in the fall to get in there and do the work but you were not "emotionally ready" for me to be in the house. (i have the e-mails to prove it), then in the winter my back gave out and i had surgery and lost an entire month of pay as well as being on four day weeks for 6 months, all the time while my income dropped by 20% you continued to receive your money. now i am able to do the work and I WILL!. you also gave your word that you would not be in the house and signed a contract to that effect. you want to pull this paperwork out of your ass whenever it is convenient for you. keep your 500 i will sell the tub for as much as i can get. the kids can swim here whenever they are here. i have at least three neighbors that have offered swim time. i can't believe that you have the nerve to accuse me of being the nasty one. look in the mirror once in a while. you are unbelievable.
as far as the holidays...i have the same contract you keep pulling out. you signed it too!!
Oh Sweetie, you know that they can still push those darn buttons when it suits them. I think you should go through your attorney and really not talk to him because he is going to do his best to make you feel terrible. You know he certainly couldn't be doing this kind of stuff to someone who really is as wonderful as you.
Find someone else as far as repairs, he just isn't worth it. this is your home now and it doesn't matter what the kids can do at "his" house, you are interested in what they can do at yours. Hang in there hon.
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I sent the whole mess to my IC. It still seems we need a referee, doesn't it? Like we don't even speak the same language... It is so sad, especially after seeing some of the sentiments that he wrote such a short time before the bomb. Still makes no sense.
I want to speak to the IC, and am hoping that I can set something up between her, the kids' IC, and the two of us, to see if we can get to some kind of communication without him flying off the handle every time he doesn't get his way. The kids' IC was going to do co-parenting training once we got to that point....just seems that it all has to come out in the open, handled, and then left in the past. Cheaper than the lawyers, anyway.
I wonder how he would feel if his emails got forwarded to all his friends and family? I would never do that, but does he really think that he comes off in a good light in the way he speaks to me? Would he be happy if the kids read this junk from him? I just don't get it.
I really believe that at this point, he wishes I had outright killed myself in my suicidal depression. His mother has wondered if he didn't try to push me to it.
I am sure that he feels totally comfortable and correct in his thinking. Just as I do. Only difference, is there is ZERO empathy of attempt at understanding on his part. Am I just as delusional as he is, at this point?
Yes, XH is being a complete jerk. No doubt. But you have launched into rehashing and emotional blackmail in what should be a business deal. The button pushing is definitely not one-sided here.
You are throwing a bunch of random stuff at XH that is totally inappropriate. The mention of the card, the "bringing us closer together" line, and so on and so forth. You are trotting the same old sort of stuff. Why? Make him see the light? Whatever your goal, change it. This is really where things started to escalate. Just stop. Focus on the business.
What exactly is the arrangement with the hot tub? Does your divorce settlement say who will sell it? Does XH have the right to sell it without your agreement?
Right now, you are quibbling about $400. This is so NOT worth it. If he sells it for $1600, then he would get $800. You have $500 available. Ask your tenants for a one-time $300 hot-tub premium and be done. Or, give him $500 and ask him to take $50 off support for 10 months to give him a total of $1000. This gives him $200 more but spreads out the cost to you. Whatever. Focus on the financial arrangement.
Also, you are effectively asking for him to give you $400 for a luxury item. This is not reasonable, nor should you expect it. How much are you willing to contribute to the upkeep of his swimming pool? It would be unreasonable for him to ask you to do so. How would you feel if he tried to emotionally blackmail you into reduced support so that he can better maintain the pool and get a new slide for it because the kids would enjoy it. No way. Same with proceeds he can get from the hot tub.
That being said, again, XH is clearly being a jerk. Zero surprise there. If he refuses $800 when that is all he would get from the guy he wants to sell it to, then you should look closely at the actual divorce settlement to discern your rights and weigh your options carefully.
The offer you are considering would put $800 in your pocket. I propose the following so that you will benefit equally: __________________.
Alternatively, I will trade your labor for the AC service for your share of the hot tub. This might be attractive as it is a quick way to tie off two loose strings at once. So, you give me your share of the hot tub and I will take care of the AC.