I just answered your post too PM. It wasn't harsh, it was honest and that's one of the things I like about you. Please don't ever feel you have to protect my feelings. Tell it like it is.
Kev
Me: 32, Wife: 22 Son: 2 Married: 2 years Separated: January 5th 2009
Sometimes you have to become lost before you can find yourself.
Hi PM, just checking in on you. You seem more confident and surer of yourself.
It is not that we get low self esteem -- what we need is self respect. You are gaining that.
Glad you are not being so available and GAL for yourself. I was self conscious at the beginning of telling people I am on my own but it gets easier in time.
We are rooting for you.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
Hey Hope, thanks for stopping by. S is having a b-day party tomorrow. I planned it all and everything. I hope he has a lot of fun with his friends.
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
My son had a birthday party today. I had a good time and my children had a blast but at times it was difficult. My H showed up all jetlagged and it went downhill from there.
He just sat like a lump, didn't talk with any of the parents. Some dads went up to him to introduce themselves and he made minimal effort. Didn't even offer them drinks or anything. He then starts sulking. It was kind of difficult to ignore but thank goodness a good friend who I share my probs with and her H were keyed in and tried to keep things happy and try to distract me with their happiness. The H stepped in and fooled around with all the kids. Great friends, you can't buy this kind of thoughfulness and friendship. Priceless. I am so grateful they are in my life.
But H remained sullen and sulky for the rest of the day and came out to dinner with us, and my parents. It was difficult. I felt bad for my parents, they didn't sign up for this pretending. But we all did it for the children.
Sometimes I just wish he wasn't around, it's much more relaxed without him when he is depressed and sulky like this.
So we put the kids to bed and he left without even saying goodbye.
I was very angry, I called out 'Goodbye' in a sweet voice. He yelled back good bye without making eye contact or anything. I kept telling myself, I know I am angry and feels like he treats our home like a hotel and come and go as he likes but I WILL NOT talk to him when I am angry.
So I came on this BB and tried to help out some newcomers. I feel much better now. It's very good for my self-esteem when I can help. Just because my H don't want me now and/or don't like me doesn't mean that I am not a good person or that I am unlikeable or worthless. I am a worthy person and I know I am capable of helping others.
So now, I can post in a much calmer state of mind, thank goodness for this BB.
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
My S was opening presents, S is very happy with his presents. Then he opened one which needed some assembly.
H says, 'I knew there would be a toy in here to torture me.'
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
I haven't posted to you before but I was so impressed by some of the things you have posted to newcomers that I wanted to catch up on your sitch.
Your strength is amazing and you sound good at the moment. It must have been difficult when your h was sulking but you handled it like a DB champ.
I see some similarities in our situations. My h is living with ow but in the past month or so he has finally taken some steps forward towards me, admittedly baby, after I took a risk with him. Change was a long time coming but I realised I keeping the status quo too and it needed something shaking up. My outlook looked bleak for a long time but I, like you, have the gift of persistence
Anyway, I just wanted to offer support and say hi.
You have helped me a great deal and as I am new to this I cannot offer anything other than my support. I have also had great support from JCJ so I would like to say thank you to you both. I have to gain strenth from JCJ's situation as my wife is now embarking on a full blown PA with OM and I hate it. But with patience and fortitude I just hope I do not lose my temper with my wife as she has no idea I know what she is up to.
Without your support and advice I don't know where I would be, but all I can do is thank you both. I pray we all get to that place we are all seeking.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
JCJ, I am interested to know what you did, what risk you took that helped your H take a step towards you. Could you point out what happened?
Mark, thanks for your support. Every little bit helps especially when we are in a tornado of emotions and everything seems like chaos. You are doing great and on the road to healthy recovery. I will keep posting on your thread.
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
For fear of hijacking please could you check my latest thread 'WAW1 - Anticipation' on Newcomers as some things have arose over the weekend I would like your take on.
Best wishes,
Mark
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
Nothing was changing in my sitch really so I did something different. I brought up divorce like you brought up moving away.
My h is a typical nice guy, avoids all conflict and drama like the plague and he was scared to meet me so I spent many months showing him that I didn't react, i.e. when I found out he was moving in with ow which also confirmed to me that there was an ow. We didn't have much reason to see each other because we don't have children, the only reason we had was to discuss selling our house. We hadn't talked about 'us' for about 10 months - I hadn't broached an r talk at all and as nothing had been said I decided that I was ready to move on. Below is my post of the conversation that we had. The results so far have been that we have had more 'easy' interactions - not so excruciatingly polite. We have also had our first non-business related meet up (a social lunch) where he made a special effort to meet me - he came into London especially that day even though he was due to work at his flat, and he bought me a thoughtful present back from a weekend away and a nice email exchange afterwards where he used a phrase we used to share together. This is from the guy who said that he didn't want to really have anything to do with me.
We met in the restaurant and luckily had a very private table. He was very open and friendly and I wasn't quite sure how to bring about the business part and felt nervous doing so but took the bull by the horns.
I explained that I'd been looking over the bank accounts as it was probably time we split them now and I'd noticed £2000 had left the account and then had gone back in again. He said nothing. So I said 'so I phoned the bank and they said it was a loan', he looked sheepish and said 'yeah, that's mine'. Clearly he felt uncomfortable and didn't want to elaborate so I said 'well the strange thing is that the repayments had been coming out of our account'. And he looked puzzled and said 'oh, I told the bank that it shouldn't and gave them my account number but they must have defaulted to our account'. I said 'ok, well I'm presently redirecting the direct debits and have a form here to remove my name from the account so when they are transferred I will remove the funds in there and the account is all yours'. He was absolutely fine with that and signed the forms.
The next thing I had was a conflict of interest letter from the solicitor. Because they had previously represented both of us they needed him to sign to say that he was happy that they should solely represent me. I thought this was quite a good introduction to the D topic.
He was happy enough to sign it (all this stuff was very light hearted and not heavy like I imagined). And seemed at ease with the idea of divorce. I said, 'do you mind briefly if we talk about divorce' and he said 'no'. So I said 'well, I have looked into it and there are two routes to go down, unreasonable behaviour which I am not keen on because it can get quite messy or adultery'. He looked a bit shocked and said 'well, I suppose as we are still married I am committing adultery'. Then went onto say something implying the adultery was recent. I didn't say anything and just looked down. He then said 'you do know it was recent don't you, that wasn't the reason we split'. And I said 'No, I didn't know because we have never talked about reasons'. He said 'do you want to talk about it because I don't want you to think that I cheated on you before I left you, even when we were still seeing each other afterwards I didn't. I would never do that to you, it happened much later on'. I said 'I have about a million questions I want to ask but I know that asking them is not necessarily the right thing for me or you and I know you feel really uncomfortable talking about it'. He said 'I have thought so much about why I left that summer, I still do I think about you a lot still now'. And I said 'I thought that you didn't ever think about me, in fact that was one of the most hurtful things was that you told me that you never thought about me'. He asked when he'd said that and I reminded him. He looked at me fully in the face and said 'I don't remember saying that and I don't know why I said that because it wasn't and isn't true. I'm really sorry for all the hurt and pain and torment I put you through.' he said 'if I am honest I still do not know why I left that summer, I don't know what was happening in my head'. I said 'I do understand H, I'm not angry'.
Then I can't remember how this came about but I said, 'we are going to have to deal with some unpleasant things over the next few months but I would really like it if we could be friends'. He looked unbelievably relieved and said 'so would I'. Then we held hands, he said 'we get on so well' and then something about how we complemented each other in terms of friendship. I said 'you were my best friend for 6 years and I miss that'. He looked really happy and said 'so do I'. Then I got up and went around the table to hug him (it felt right to do this), he didn't move or turn and I thought 'shall I, shan't I, sod it!' and put my arms around him. He hugged me back so hard, it was like relief flowed through us both and we hugged for about a minute (argh I couldn't help it I kissed the back of his head! he smelt so lovely!!) but it didn't matter. We were both crying.
Then I sat down and he changed the subject and started talking about light things and we chatted throughout the meal about life, jobs and stuff. When it was time to leave I initiated it and we walked out. He paid for the meal - a first, and when we got to the bus stop his bus was there but he didn't run as he usually would. He said, 'don't worry I can get the next one'. I asked him if he wouldn't mind posting a parcel as he was going back to the office and he took it. The bus was still there so I said, 'go on run' and he gave me a massive hug goodbye and got on the bus waving as he went.
He did ask what the next steps in the D would be at the end of the meal. He obviously wants this to go ahead and also the sale of the house. That's ok; I will do it in my own time. I need to digest this a little. I'm so pleased we could talk and we had the conversation we did. I didn't need to know anymore details than that. I just feel that I have worked so hard to get where I am and I am so pleased and I feel a big relief. Patience has worked.
He followed it up that night with a text saying "Hi, I just wanted to say that it was really nice to talk earlier and I'm really glad that we both think that we can still be friends despite everything I’ve done. Like I said I think I would find it very sad if we stopped speaking to each other or meeting up and stuff. Anyway I hope you have a nice trip. H"
