A Divorce Busting® Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.


Save your marriage singlehandedly
with Divorce Busting Telephone Coaching
SPECIAL MARCH OFFER -- SAVE $40
THREE DIVORCE BUSTING TELEPHONE COACHING SESSION FOR ONLY $350
CALL 303-444-7004 and mention this offer
or use code: SAVE_$40 in the Divorce Busting Store

A Message from Michele
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3
What the heck is wrong with me? #1747147
04/05/09 08:46 PM
04/05/09 08:46 PM
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 159
City of Chicago suburbs
B
Bliss Offline OP
Member
Bliss  Offline OP
Member
B
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 159
City of Chicago suburbs
Here I am still crying...after almost 6 months of pure hell he's put me through. Ugh!

I wrote him a really nasty letter, reminding him of all that he's done...yet I believe I shouldn't send it. I shouldn't right? He probably wouldn't read it anyway....he just doesn't care.

Now I find out he's on Match.com.... geez...the D isn't even final yet and he's out 'looking for a long term relationship' (this is what he put on the title of his match.com ad).

How can a man leave his family after 26 years of marriage, and be out looking and having sex with random women and not even care how we, or I should say, I, feel!???

Two days ago he accused me of dragging the D out, and told me how bad he wanted this to be over...yet he's the one dragging it out filing petitions not to pay this or that.

He hangs out at the local bar that my daughters friends parents own. Of course all of our daughters friends go there and see him. Our daughter is totally embarrassed.

I am trying to GAL and not think about us, however it's all I do is cry. I still cry daily. Our daughter is getting married in August, and this has been hell on her...

I haven't been on the boards because I came down with Pneumonia for 4 weeks! Is that stress or what? My doctor gave me instructions to stay in bed...lol...heck I couldn't even get out of bed if I wanted to!

Thanks everyone for listening....I need a good ear or shoulder and I am thankful that I can come here to get out of the storm.

Bliss

Last edited by Bliss; 04/05/09 08:49 PM.

Me:46 H: 46
DD:22, DS:12
Together since age 16.
Married: 26 years 10-9-08...H filed for D same week as our anniversary.

Dear Lord....Please keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.
Re: What the heck is wrong with me? [Re: Bliss] #1747398
04/06/09 11:32 AM
04/06/09 11:32 AM
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 159
City of Chicago suburbs
B
Bliss Offline OP
Member
Bliss  Offline OP
Member
B
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 159
City of Chicago suburbs
I think I won't send the letter...it is mostly spewing anyway, and who wants to hear that? Certainly not him.

Oh well...time to go dark and work really hard on GAL without him.

Court is in two weeks. Wish me luck on that one...I sure need some prayers. \:\(

Thank you,

Bliss


Me:46 H: 46
DD:22, DS:12
Together since age 16.
Married: 26 years 10-9-08...H filed for D same week as our anniversary.

Dear Lord....Please keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.
Re: What the heck is wrong with me? [Re: Bliss] #1747513
04/06/09 03:01 PM
04/06/09 03:01 PM
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 12
Minnesota
M
mlh78 Offline
Junior Member
mlh78  Offline
Junior Member
M
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 12
Minnesota
My vote is DO NOT send the letter! You are absolutely right, it is just angry "venting" so no good will come as a result of it. The reality of the situation is that after reading your letter, he will not magically "see the error of his ways" The only thing that will happen is that you will only come off looking like a b!tch, thus making him feel more validated in his decision to leave you.

That being said, I'm so sorry you have to go through this. None of this is fair to you, your history together, or your children. The only thing you can do is what you have been doing which is to carry yourself with dignity, pursue activities that make you feel good, detach yourself from his immature craziness, and protect yourself and your family throughout all of the stages of the divorce.

The constant crying sucks, I know. If you need to cry, do it. I think Michele suggests breaking some old plates or something? Regardless, let it out - but not in front of your H/XH. Right now, he doesn't want to see/hear any of it.

In my sitch, I got to a point where I was tired of leaning on my friends and family (felt like a constantly sobbing burden) and decided to go to a therpist to vent out all of my feelings...including all of the stuff that was totally unreasonable/nutty. Was one of the best things I ever did. Probably the easiest $ the therapist ever made because I paid her to sit and listen to me cry/yell about how $hitty things were and how unfair they were. ;\) After a while, the crying subsided and I started to feel "like me" again.

My XH did some odd stuff during the divorce too. Although he filed, he did nothing to advance the divorce, which was maddening. In fact, he was hounding my attorney with crazy "deals" that no person in their right mind would agree to. Lots of bizarre delaying - but not to reconcile or talk about relationship. Don't "engage" in the nuttiness.

Hang it there. You will get through this.


Me: 30
H: 31
Together: 8+ years, Married: 4+ years
Bomb: May 2007
Divorce final Oct. 2008
No kids, 1 super-cute yellow lab
Re: What the heck is wrong with me? [Re: mlh78] #1747925
04/07/09 01:55 AM
04/07/09 01:55 AM
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 159
City of Chicago suburbs
B
Bliss Offline OP
Member
Bliss  Offline OP
Member
B
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 159
City of Chicago suburbs
Thank you so much for your kind words. I guess I'm just hurting so badly and he shows no compassion towards me with how he's behaving.

I really wish I could hit him....maybe the plate thing would work. I just have no desire to date anyone...I guess everyone is different in this area. I read his match.com ad and it made me physically sick....ugh.

So your XH did some weird things? I feel like mine is too...but he always accuses me of lying to him, it's maddening!

I pray alot. My cousin, a lawyer, went through a divorce two years ago and he told me it was like going through a death. Boy, was he right!

How long did it take you to heal? I know each person is different....I'm just scared to be alone, without a job and with this darn illness...not to mention the fact the I loved the loser.

Thanks for listening...

Bliss


Me:46 H: 46
DD:22, DS:12
Together since age 16.
Married: 26 years 10-9-08...H filed for D same week as our anniversary.

Dear Lord....Please keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.
Re: What the heck is wrong with me? [Re: Bliss] #1748054
04/07/09 11:10 AM
04/07/09 11:10 AM
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 527
F
FitChik Offline
Member
FitChik  Offline
Member
F
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 527
Bliss....

I'm sorry you're hurting so much. Our situations are very diff't but I relate to a lot of your feelings. My H also acts like he was no care for me and is very impatient to get a D. It hurts like heck! Someone needs to invent a pill to cure a broken heart :-).

Glad to hear you pray a lot. My faith has pulled me through and continues to strengthen me to deal with all the pain. I will keep you and your fam in my prayers.


Me:28, first M
H: 33, second M
Married: 08/08
Bomb: 10/08
H filed D and deployed: 12/08
Served: 04/09
I deploy: 07/09
Hearing date: 08/09

Re: What the heck is wrong with me? [Re: Bliss] #1748151
04/07/09 02:50 PM
04/07/09 02:50 PM
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 12
Minnesota
M
mlh78 Offline
Junior Member
mlh78  Offline
Junior Member
M
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 12
Minnesota
I'm sorry, I must've missed this... what is going on with your health?

Oh, yes, my XH did a lot of bizarre things during our divorce. During the actual divorce process, although he did nothing to move the divorce along, he'd call/email me yelling that I had to stop delaying the divorce and that "it was going to happen" so I had to "deal with it."

People would tell me that his tactics were aimed at "buying himself time" to decide, was considering coming home, etc. The more I tried to interpret his craziness, the more crazy I got.

In my situation, my XH went off the deep end. He became the exact opposite of who we all knew him to be - slept with his married trainwreck assistant (left me for her), lied to everyone about everything (even small, stupid things), became painfully wishy-washy (could never say anything other than "I don't know"), dropped most of his lifelong friends, even started using phrases that sounded nothing like him.

I'd thought he'd gone totally crazy. He was (and I think still is) trying so hard to find "that thing" that will make him feel normal/happy again.

My divorce was finalized in October, I bought a new house in November, and after 2 years on this rollercoaster I think that I'm finally ready to start dating again. I had zero desire to date for the longest time but I'm slowly developing "crushes" again so that is fun.

From what I hear, my XH is dating assistant #2 and is oh-so-happy with her. In all, I'm focusing on moving forward while he is in the same ridiculous place he was 2 years ago with a different "under-study."

Yes, I agree that grieving the end of your marriage (at least your marriage as you knew it) is similar to grieving the death of a loved one... with the added pain of the rejection, humiliation and insensitivity... ;\)

Why do you think you are scared to be alone? Although that is a common feeling for people, I think the "why" is often different.


Me: 30
H: 31
Together: 8+ years, Married: 4+ years
Bomb: May 2007
Divorce final Oct. 2008
No kids, 1 super-cute yellow lab
Re: What the heck is wrong with me? [Re: mlh78] #1748328
04/07/09 06:17 PM
04/07/09 06:17 PM
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 2,452
Chi-town
D
dday101798 Offline
Member
dday101798  Offline
Member
D
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 2,452
Chi-town
Hi Bliss (& all),

Sorry to hear you're life is in this mess too, as I've said several times, must be something in the water here as there are many IL/Chicago folks on here, Daley must be behind this.

Anyway, although I don't know much of your sitch aside from what is in this thread, you do not sound ready at all for dating. Not even on the "friends with benefits scale". It seems to hold up the letting go cycle. Why do we still hold on to them when we know they don't care, who knows, human nature? As you say, scared of being alone? Fear of rejectment?

I've finally just recently within the past few weeks let go, matter of fact came to full term with it yesterday. Ano now, I am good, I accept it and I LIKE being alone. I'm slowly returning back to the person I used be before my M started to change me into the rollover and say nothing H my W wanted me to be. And you know what, the site, the book(s) can preach all they want about doing 180's and making yourself a better person. Sure it's true, but in the beginning as can be witnessed out of so many threads here, it's only an outside show. While on the inside, we're completely miserable.

Sure the current financial status of everything is scarey all on it's own, but, you know what, I'd be happier living in a cardboard box then having to endure any more of the hurt, misery and pain of still clinging to that last string of hope my STBX will wake up. And truth be told, I probably could have been better, sooner, only I allowed someone to intervine and delay that process. It wasn't anything serious, but enough to distract me from what I needed to do for me.

Sorry to ramble on, but thought I'd share and hopefully something can be learned from my mistake.

-dday


Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
Re: What the heck is wrong with me? [Re: dday101798] #1748929
04/08/09 06:03 PM
04/08/09 06:03 PM
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 159
City of Chicago suburbs
B
Bliss Offline OP
Member
Bliss  Offline OP
Member
B
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 159
City of Chicago suburbs
Hi girls…I think we’re all girls? =)
Yes, I’m afraid because of my health issues. In 2005 I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis, and the neuro pointed out another issue on my brain scan called an Arnold Chiari Malformation of the cerebellum. He told us this malformation was genetic, and so we had to have both of our kids tested. Our daughter tested fine, yet our son tested positive and his malformation was worse than mine! Come to find out he has a cyst in his spinal cord as well, and there isn’t a darn thing we can do about it but watch it to see if it grows. If it DOES GROW then we’ll have to take steps to make it smaller, because growing spinal cord cysts cause paralysis. Ughh!

In the past couple years our insurance has paid hundreds of thousands of dollars in medical, and I was immediately approved for Social Security disability when I was diagnosed (this is rare). Although SS isn’t much, it does pay the groceries. =o)

So here I am….afraid of my future….how will I take care of myself if the MS flares up and I can’t walk…how am I going to pay my medical bills…..how am I going to afford to live?

Believe me when I say, I’m not wanting my husband to stick around because of financial reasons…because I love the jerk. However, with that being said…I often look at him and wonder how he can leave a wife with health issues, and often that fateful statement come to mind…‘in sickness and in health.” Ya know?

He tells the court that I can’t have custody of our little guy because of my health….yet on the other hand, he’s says I’m well enough to get a job. Huh? Aren’t those statements contradicting each other?

I’m just lost, like I said, and scared. We had court today and his lawyer told mine that he’s getting a bit ‘frustrated with this process’ because he wants this done and over with.

I don’t understand how a man I’ve spent 30 years of my 46 years alive can be so different all of a sudden. I don’t understand how he cannot care about me at all. There are so many things I just don’t understand. My family says I need to stop asking those questions and accept the way it is.

I’m so hurt that he’s now having something so intimate, sex, with other women. I keep seeing that in my mind and I don’t know how to stop it. He told me three weeks ago he was not interested in women because he wanted to work on him…and I believed him. And now I find out differently. I’ve done nothing but sob my heart out in my pillow at night thinking of him being with another woman in that way. I have to stop writing about it…I’m in tears just thinking of it.

You all have great points and I know that I’m so not ready to move on. But what do I say when I’m ready ….”Hi, my name is Bliss, and I have MS, and I may eventually need brain surgery…..would you like to go out for coffee?”lolol

I know I’m totally whining here…and I’m in this huge pity party. Ughhh….like Jim Carey said in that movie..”Somebody stop me!!!”

Hugs to you all,
Bliss


Me:46 H: 46
DD:22, DS:12
Together since age 16.
Married: 26 years 10-9-08...H filed for D same week as our anniversary.

Dear Lord....Please keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.
Re: What the heck is wrong with me? [Re: Bliss] #1748977
04/08/09 06:43 PM
04/08/09 06:43 PM
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 12
Minnesota
M
mlh78 Offline
Junior Member
mlh78  Offline
Junior Member
M
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 12
Minnesota
Yes, you're having a pity party but that's ok. When you are put into one unreasonable and unfair position after another, we'll let you host a little PP once in a while.

Yes, he is contradicting himself re: your inability to have custody and ability to work. He is thinking only of himself and what he wants. Period. It isn't fair or right, but that is what he is doing. The real question you hneed to answer is, "what are you going to do about it?" Are you going to continue to hope that he comes to his senses or are you going to ensure that your interests are protected?

Working/financial situation - you need to make plans for yourself that DO NOT rely on your husband. To repeat, he is not thinking of you or his vows, etc. It is up to you to take care of yourself. What are you interested in doing? What experience do you have? What are you physically capable of doing (healthwise)?

As far as dating is concerned, I agree with a fellow poster - it doesn't sound like you are even near-ready to date. Don't rush yourself because you feel like you are "supposed" to be at a certain point in the grieving process. My rollercoaster started 2 years ago and I'm finally feeling like I'm ready to date. Everyone has their own pace so stick with what feels right to you.

Keep in mind, believe it or not, you aren't some "damaged" mess that no one will ever find lovable. You may feel low and rejected now but give yourself due credit.

Thoughts of him with other women... yeah, this is tough for all of LBSs on these boards. Often people talk in abstract terms about "cheating" but the reality of what that actually means is what we all have burned into our brains. In the early days of my separation, I came very close to puking when I thought about what my XH was doing with his AP.

I decided that once my mind went in that direction, I was going to try really hard to redirect my thoughts to something else. Didn't always work but you can't keep focusing on what you H is doing right now. It will do nothing but drive you nuts and make you feel like $hit.


Me: 30
H: 31
Together: 8+ years, Married: 4+ years
Bomb: May 2007
Divorce final Oct. 2008
No kids, 1 super-cute yellow lab
Re: What the heck is wrong with me? [Re: Bliss] #1749015
04/08/09 07:03 PM
04/08/09 07:03 PM
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 2,452
Chi-town
D
dday101798 Offline
Member
dday101798  Offline
Member
D
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 2,452
Chi-town
Originally Posted By: Bliss
Hi girls…I think we’re all girls? =)


Sorry, other end of the gender pool, but after all this, does it really matter?

Sorry to hear of so many problems all at once and especially that on eof the kids is affected by it. As you said, all you can do is watch it and see.

And I can sooooo, relate to the mental images that can be hard to shake. Never really had much problem with it until i came across STBX and OM groping each other in the middle of park sprawling with everyone we know and their kids, now that's one for the vommit patrol.

It completely stinks that all this puts you such a bind, but as said, you can't rely on H for anything. I was there every second of every moment for my MIL when she was battling cancer (and lost). My STBX was there every second of every moment when OM's mother was hospitalized. What happened when my mother was in the ER? OH, she called, but expressed sympathy for a few minutes, then turned the call into the same old blame-game.

You need to find a way to be dependent for yourself. If and when you're ready to get back out there that will speak volumes for itself over everything else.


Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3

Moderated by  Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004