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This guy wants sex of a kind you don't want to give him.
He is uncommunicative.
He is emotionally abusive.
He is emotionally unavailable.
He is manipulative.
He is depressed.
He is someone you don't trust.
He is someone you have known only a short while, and you've never had a good R with him.

What exactly do you get out of this R? You get a chance to relive old crap from your XM and from your childhood. That is why you keep going back. Nothing in what you right about your XF suggests that you love him. In one way, he is right, it is all about you and all about your unresolved problems that you get to continue to cycle through with him. It is not about him except that if he didn't recreate those problems for you, you would not be drawn to him.

You acknowledge that he is abusive, yet you continue to return to him. This is simple self abuse. And, contrary to what you have indicated here, in the past you have indicated major problems when you were growing up. The co-dependent behavior here is extreme, unhealthy, and very obvious.

The part that is really beating you down is returning to him to beat yourself up over and over. Stop it and get help, professional help. Quit letting your pride and ego get in the way of living a decent life.


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Gwyn Offline OP
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Quote:
What exactly do you get out of this R?


Hmmmm, I've asked myself the same thing and the truth of the matter is not a whole lot. My friends can't stand him, my kids think he emotionally abuses me, he calls me names (not bad names things like user, golddigger-he even told me that I was abusing him. He is brutal when it comes to my roommate, calls her all kinds of names. He even suggests that she and I are having a thing going. This girl has been a friend of mine for over 30 years. Isn't that a little wierd? I feel like I'm back on a roller coaster, last week, he wanted to marry me, this week, he's stressed and wants to be left alone. I live in a state of confusion.

I knew I would get a message from you Oldtimer. You actually motivate me. I talked to me XF at lunch today and he pretty much told me to do what's best for me and you know what, I need to do just that. I need my own place, my own things. I really think I need some comfortable things around me. I feel like such a misfit. Do you know that I don't even have a mailing address right now? Isn't that ridiculeous? I've never been so misplaced in my entire life and I need to make this right. I know I need to do all this so why the hell can't I? What am I hanging on to? You know I called my former C, but my XF got so angry and told me he wasn't a real C and was nothing more than a cheerleader and he didn't want any part of it. I can't do anything right in his eyes. Why does he keep me hanging around? I have some idea why I hang around, but why does he stay in it?


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Because you choose to tolerate the abuse and he has a need to be abusive.


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Originally Posted By: oldtimer
Because you choose to tolerate the abuse and he has a need to be abusive.


That's pretty profound.

You know meant to tell you that I've been reading a lot on co-dependency and I don't fit into many/most of the categories. I'm not sure that's the name for my self destruction in relationships. I think it's more of me being obsessive. I honestly can see myself without my XF, but I can't see him with another woman. That stings and I can't stand that pain so I stay.


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so instead of berating and humiliating another woman you rather be that woman.

Hon, please please RUN the other way.


Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2

30something
2kids
survivor of S, MLC, A, D
I have peace in my heart, at last.
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