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I can't move. I was born and raised here. My family, kids, etc. are here. And, I love my job! He's the transplant. I know this relationship is toxic and I believe he is a narrcissist. I don't think he's capable of loving from the heart, only from the lower extrimities. I know I need to break free, but I can't. I mean I really and truly can't seem to do it. I can go for days without contact, but then I become physically sick. I have left several messages for him this morning to call me to see if he felt better this morning. Of course he hasn't returned my calls and I know the next time I call (which will be at lunch time), he'll tell me that I'm stressing him and that he need to be left alone for a few days. Completely the opposite of what he told me last week. "We need to spend as much time together as possible, we need to reconnect". I live in such confusion with him.

He has a lot on his plate right now and because I've been there, I know how overwhelmed he feels right now. He told me that I cannot be his priority and that our relationship is too much work. (I think I've said that already). What should I do? If I go on with my life and make plans, he gets mad that I'm not available. If I sit around and wait for him to call, it may or may not happen and I've completely waisted a day. We had a WONDERFUL week together so this new attitude that came out of nowhere, has really set me back. What happened in a few hours? From being sweet and kind, to being everything that he feels overwhelmed with is my fault. I really don't get this. Do you think he's emotionally involved with another woman. These are some of the characteristics of my XH.


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one "good" week together does not mean anything compared to the emotional abuse he pounds on you. He is SICK in the head, you will never please him unless you want to be a total doormat and jump when he says jump, and loose your individuality. I truly truly believe that man is bipolar or something worse, no well man behaves that way, his mood swings are just incomprehensible, it's not you! see this please, he is very very emotionally disturbed. And you calling several times also tells how much help you need with a C, are you still seeing one? if you are, then get another one or LISTEN to what your C is telling you.

Can't move out of state? then move out of his county, isn't your life worth that? isn't your peace worth that? how would you feel if any of your kids were being treated like this by a significant other? seek a friend's help, get a new phone number and erase his, DO something, dont' just wonder what you are doing wrong and why isnt' he happy. he will NEVER be happy because his heart is a black void.


Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2

30something
2kids
survivor of S, MLC, A, D
I have peace in my heart, at last.
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Gwyn--
What you are describing is an addiction. I have BEEN there, in all seriousness. I get how you feel sick without him. I actually contemplated suicide when I went through all my mess. I committed myself into the hospital, twice.

It is hard. You might very well need help to break free of it. You have said yourself that you know, intellectually, that this is toxic. I know how feelings can be overwhelming. Do not rule out meds - I needed them for the anxiety and depression.

Try to get to a 12-step group. Co-dependents anonymous is the best fit, but they all deal with the same issues. If there are no meetings close to you, go online. Read the literature.

Hearts are stupid, simple things. They react to not only what is happening now, but also all of your old, un-dealt-with issues and what is comfortable, even if it is not healthy. It is time to lead your life from your head.

Good luck....you deserve so much more for yourself.

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Thanks Cat and Donna. I'm not suicidal and I still am not convinced that I'm co-dependant. I think I'm more vulnerable, trusting and quite niave' more than anything. Emotional abuse, narrcissism, verbal abuse are all new words and experiences for me. Yeah, there were explosive fights between mom and dad, but up until now, I don't think it ever affected me, so it's hard to put the blame anything on my childhood. I've always been very strong. This is kicking my butt and I'm not quite sure why.


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Quick journal. Why is it that he is come here, come here, come here, no, go away, go away, go away. I need my space.

Once minute, he runs hot, lets put everything back together, the next minute, he don't know. He is fighting depression so bad so I cannot bring anything up to him because he accuses me of it "being all about me, I'm selfish, don't I understand what he's going through, don't put this pressure on me". He sends so many mixed signals, it's ridiculeous. I know I need to go on as if, but I still hang onto the hopes that we'll be able to put this back together. My close friends and family think I'm being stupid and maybe I am, but he says all the right words, but his acions conflict his words and I simply don't get it. How do I make myself "get it" What do I need to do? I'm clueless.


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Originally Posted By: Gwyn
he accuses me of it "being all about me, I'm selfish, .........................but he says all the right words, but his acions conflict his words and I simply don't get it. How do I make myself "get it" What do I need to do? I'm clueless.


Because he's the selfish one who get what he wants from you and once his mission is accomplished, chucks you back on the shelf until he wants it again.


Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
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Quote:
get what he wants from you and once his mission is accomplished, chucks you back on the shelf until he wants it again.


Again, maybe I'm being stupid, but I really don't believe that. He can get what I think you're talking about anywhere. Why does he need me for that?


Gwyn
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Because he know he can. I went through this treatment with my XW for quite a while until enough people pointed out it was destroying me. In a way at times, I still allow her to, but I don't let her know that she can get to me like that for her own pleasure.

It is said time and time again, WAS' thrive on the misery they inflict upon those they left to justify who they are now and how they act.


Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 540
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Gwyn Offline OP
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He tells me all the time that women fall all over him, but he won't give them the time of day because he is in a committed relationship with me, yet he keeps blowing me off. When I bring up anything about our R, he tells me that I'm stressing him and he doesn't want this pressure. I long to be able to talk to him about this, but he won't let me get there. That's the part that is really beating me down.


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Well, I am certainly no expert in this area as I did not have the opportunity to descuss the R with XW all that much and when we did, I could not and do not trust someone who says they love you so so much, but yet tore you and your family limb for limb all for the sake of some "new and exciting".

So, I'm just trying to tell you to stop allowing him to come get what he wants, and then run off "stressed" or whatever the excuse may be when you want to work on the R aspect that he clearly is not willing to discuss.

What I would say, the next time he pulls the "come here, come here" card, you stand your ground and lay down boudry that he discuss the R defore he high tails it away again.


Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
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