Slowly getting better?? - WAW advice still needed.

[Amy M]

Oh, Sam! I hate so much that this happened. I hate that she "forgot" and that you have to put it off again. And, I too was reminded of pearl's sitch.

Unfortunately, the bottom line is that she likely remembers the things that are most important to her. And, the fact that she forgot the MC appt. indicates to me that it wasn't her top priority. You can't control that. You can only control what you do about that. Do you reschedule and make sure she remembers the next one (like a parent would do for a child)? Do you tell her she needs to reschedule and let you know when the appt. is set? Do you scrape the MC for now and just get some IC?

I don't know the answers, but I do know that we all deserve someone who's going to make us and our families their priority!

Hopefully, the weather will be nice and you and the boys can do some fun things this weekend. Wanna run the 1/2 marathon next weekend? I'll be walking most of it (my training has been nonexistent), but if you stuck around long enough, you might see me at the finish line!!!

Hang in there, Sam!!! I'm rooting and praying for you!

Hugs!
Amy

[Sam1007]

Unfortunately, the bottom line is that she likely remembers the things that are most important to her. And, the fact that she forgot the MC appt. indicates to me that it wasn't her top priority.

That's exactly right! But it's nothing new. Long before the "bomb", she already started to submerge herself in work and things started to get double booked. The first thing I said to her when I sensed something wasn't right (probably 4-6 months before the "bomb") was that I felt like I came in last place on her priority list and that that feels pretty crappy, that I want to feel I am #1 for her like any husband should. Her response was that she's starting a business and that will just have to be that way until it gets off the ground. Right now, I am thinking that had I had the knowledge I got from this board back then, I could have probably predicted when the "bomb" was gonna hit. The "script" was starting to appear...

So yes, you're absolutely right, and THAT is what I am mostly upset about. She TELLS me that she wants to go, but apparently it's not important enough to her to keep it on the radar screen. I think family has risen on her priority list a little since the "bomb", but it's still nowhere close to where it should be. Then, towards the end of our phone convo, she tells me several times to call her tomorrow and let her know when we can go again. I don't think I am going to call, even if I hear from the MC today, which I haven't so far anyways. I don't feel like it right now.

You can't control that. You can only control what you do about that. Do you reschedule and make sure she remembers the next one (like a parent would do for a child)? Do you tell her she needs to reschedule and let you know when the appt. is set? Do you scrape the MC for now and just get some IC?

This is really nothing new. I have had to remind her of vacations we're taking, concert dates, all kinds of things. Even things I know she enjoys. She is disorganized, and she knows it. I think I will just reschedule and remind her this time. She seems to sincerely want to go.

I don't know the answers, but I do know that we all deserve someone who's going to make us and our families their priority!

I have always made my family a priority! Maybe even a little too much. I made it a priority to the point where I was denying myself the pleasure of my hobbies because I felt that I should be at home helping with the kids. I felt that my hobbies and fun time could wait until they were a little older and less work. That's what I did and still do! W on the other hand used to be a dedicated mom and wife, but I haven't seen the woman she was back then in about 2 years. Over the past 2 years, I have changed myself into someone that balances the family time with fun/hobby time much better. I don't deny myself those opportunities anymore.

I really do feel that the boys and I have risen in the ranks of her priority list over the last year. She is spending more time with the boys, but still tells me that she will come pick them up so I can do some work or have time for myself (makes it sound to me like they're in her way when they are with her). She seems to enjoy my company. But this rise is TERRIBLY slow and I guess this happening just showed me how FAR we still are from the top of the list!

The only good thought I just had about the whole thing is that it doesn't seem like she wanted to go to the MC to get confirmation from her that it's better to just D. That WAS one of my thoughts regarding the possible outcomes of the MC session. Since she hasn't swayed one way or another, she can still sway back.

[pearlharbr]

Hi Sam

Sorry about the MC cancellation and that apparently xBF is a bad role model! As much as she says she wants to go, her actions are speaking louder than her words. Honestly, we didn't get anything out of counseling the couple times we went because xBF didn't want to be there. Now he says he really wants to go because he knows he/we need it but still no appointment made. Actions.

If this is a long standing pattern with her, you need to decide if it is something you are willing to live with or not. As Amy pointed out, will it make you feel like a parent to her or is it just one of her quirks that you can just work around? Because at this point I'm not sure she's going to change.

Try not to guess at her motives for going/not going. That will put you right back on the roller coaster.

[Sam1007]

pearl,

Thanks for stopping by! The 2 times we have been to MC, have been somewhat helpful, and my W did WANT to be there. Both times, we have come out of there and she would be full of energy to work on things and make plans. The thing is that she submerges herself in work again and all the enthusiasm slowly ebbs away and then we're back to coasting along without any change. Seems like she's submerging herself in work so that she doesn't have to work on herself?

Regarding the forgetfullness: that's really nothing new, she's always been like that. The fact that she forgets stuff is really not that big a deal to me as long as other things don't ALWAYS take precedence, like they are now. I realize now that I have been way too pushy to ALWAYS make me and the boys #1 in her life. She has dreams for her business and I accept that and want her to succeed, just not at the cost of EVERY single thing we could be doing together, and that's where this was going. I think the trend is slowly reversing though.

Over the past couple of days, I did notice more and more of my old W coming back. More relaxed, more interested in having fun, etc.. I long suspected her meds to be the cause of her depressed outlook on life and our M, as well as her stressed out workaholic lifestyle. She never used to be this way, it all started about 3 yrs ago. She has been off of it for about 2.5 months and each time I see her, she's a little more relaxed and more fun. It's good to see! Not just as far as "us", but also for her own good! She's now picking up old hobbies. She asked when we're going to the Symphony, to make sure she keeps that date in mind (in light of past Fri). She's told me (unsollicited by me) that she now realizes how depressed and stressed out those meds made her, but that it's hard to realize that when it's you, etc.. Don't want to get my hopes up, but it does seem like her old personality is coming back a little bit.

We've got a new appointment for MC, next Wed. So we'll see how it goes!

[Tawnya]

{{{{Sam}}}} Glad you have a new appt set up and sounds like you are doing well despite all of the "other stuff"!!

Hope your week is good

Tawnya

[Sam1007]

Thanks Tawnya! Hope your week is good too! Does that mean you're not gonna be back until next week again? LOL!

Told W about the appointment yesterday and she messages back immediately that she put it in her phone so she won't forget. She seems really honest and interested in going. In general, her attitude seems to have changed somewhat. I just keep doing what I have been doing.

[pearlharbr]

Good that she put the appt in her phone. Hoping it's useful and she wants to continue going.

I am waiting for xBF to get his act together and find a counselor for us. Part of me wants to wait and see just how long it's going to take him and part of me wants to tell him to do it now because I'm not going to wait until it suits him.

[Sam1007]

pearl,

Yeah, I hope so too! When I suggested going back to the MC, I also suggested that we go on a regular basis. When I said that, my W didn't seem to be opposed to that or try to convince me otherwise, so I think she's open to that. I'll just let that issue rest until we are winding down our session with the MC next week, to see where we want to go from there.

[Sam1007]

Had good weekend! Went to a B'day party with the boys on Sat, had fun!

On Sun we went to the arts festival where W had a booth for her business. Told her last week that we would come on Sun. Then she texts me and calls to see if we were coming. She texted me on Sat to tell me that she already sold a bunch of stuff. W was wearing her engagement ring and another ring I had given her for Xmas a few years back. She hasn't worn her engagement ring since the long email 2 months ago, I was surprised to see it. Boys and I had fun doing art and were just walking around and looking. Was a good day, came home tired and late!

Haven't heard from W since then, we have MC tomorrow and will make it a day since we have to drive 1.5 hrs there and then back again. Will let you guys know how it went.

[mindfull]

Sam... can't wait to see if she shows at MC this time! Let us know how it goes!

Interesting that she had her rings back on...

I love your boy's stories. Aren't they twin 4 year olds? How's S12 doing with all of this (isn't he a step son?) Are maintaining contact/connection with him?