Ohh, and he said, he never thought there was a possibility of me falling in love and moving away for example. I almost laughed, but I didnt...
I am laughing for you in a sad and disappointed way, that this stupid stupid man can't see what is under his nose and if he could he certainly doesn't deserve you. That statement must have been a bitter pill to swallow and I am sure if you had of laughed it would have been the hysterical kind that would have turned to anger or sadness at the irony of it all. Do you ever wonder or remember how and why you fell for this man in the beginning,did he have passions then? He is a mystery that much I know or his reasoning is.
Take care and maybe don't slam the door just close it gently on your way out, anger is not attractive to him. Wheres a puking gremlin when you need one.
H is a mess, very similar to many of the partners on these boards. He's revealed a lot to you and his indifference and lack of passion also sounds like clinical depression to me.
Thus, you're still stuck w/him as he is until he can figure out "his problems." Yes, your feelings and emotions are truly yours, but he's also in desperate need of discovery of his own issues. Until that happens, don't expect to see much at all from him save from the status quo.
Can you share some of your observations w/his C? Is he still seeing the C or did he ditch that?
Sad to see from him, but really not surprising to be honest. He has his own Everest to climb before he can even comprehend all the work that is needed to reach the summit of the "marriage mountain" w/you.
Well, that sounds like a rough conversation to have. Not sure I can/would live with someone who has no passion for anything, either. I need (really I don't think it is a want, but a need) to feel passionate about my mate and have them feel passion for me, too.
Sorry, I don't know what to say. It seems he is determined that it 'is what it is' and has no intentions of changing anything...
Just thought it would be worth jumping in quickly as your H sounds a little like how mine was. When my H first dropped the bomb, he would use statements like "nothing makes me happy" etc. Later he also said that he has never been happy (not just with me-in life in general). Whether my H will ever admit it or not, he definitely had clinical depression.
I guess I just want to say that they can work through this and get that passion back(if they want to), but the timeframe may be a lot longer than you would like. My H did everything right-started jogging 5 days a week, quit drinking, read self-help books etc. to "fix himself". He also started seeing a Psychotherapist, which he has been doing for about 8 months now. He now has more energy and life than I would have ever thought possible again, BUT he is still not back to "normal". It seems he is still working through his demons, and this is a man who, IMO, has done everything for himself that he possibly could have throughout this process. So it is definitely possible for your H to get his passion back, IMO, but the process would likely be slow...
RTL asked if he is still seeing the IC. Is he doing this? If so, do you have any idea what kind of treatment/therapy she is recommending for him? While it definitely sounds like he has issues to work through, I know in some cases medication can help with the mode immediate effects of depression. This is something my H never did, but I always wondered if he should have.
Sorry that you have to deal with this frustrating situation. I really hope that Ali is right about May being a turning point. Just a couple more weeks to go in that case...
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Hi Kimmie Lee, Easter is next week for us but Christos Anesti to you!!!
It wasnt a rough convo Bbj, nowdays, ANY kind of convo sounds better than no thing to me. It was a bit frustrating because he said something about his best friend that made me furious and a few other times he was defensive/mean and it made me realise that if I am far from reconciliting mood he is thousands miles away... He is constantly defensive even when I dont talk about him, even when I talk about ME and I try to do that and not use phrases or a tone of voice that could feel threatening to him.
He said I reject everybody I dont like what they are telling me/ doing. When I asked for explanations, he said I rejected his best friend and his wife for staying neutral and not taking my side.
What he had forgotten is that after me trying for a month to contact them his bf told me on the phone (had to call from my cell using the feature that doesnt show the number for him to answer), that his wife and he decided not to talk to me anymore because "I didnt answer to 2 of her text messages" the week H left me. Until this day I do not remember receiving any messages from her. I know that if I had recieved any I would have responded and called back because back then I was in the crazy mode, trying to talk to anybody that may had some info from H, let alone the fact that I considered them friends and that she (the wife) and I had been on the phone several times where she was telling me to f@ck him because he wasnt worth of my love.
So..., she wasnt neutral and she was supportive and I didnt have a complain from her. Same with his BF. We both know she is crazy, self absorved person and we just smiled at her doings. Accepting her. But I am not going to continue to accept her behavior or beg for anyone's friendship. Plus I think her husband (whom I've known for 15 years (more than my H) obeyed to his wife to not talk to me anymore. What a eunich!!! (is this correct, I mean "with no balls"). He said he "thought the reason we didnt talk was because they didnt take my side" and I amde it clear that at least she took my side talking to me and that I wasnt stupid to expect his BF to take my side (he did anyway calling him an idiot for leaving us). I told him it was insulting to think that and he changed the subject.
naej, his exact words were "falling for an American and moving to NY"(I NEVER use that, afraid that if we finally divorce he could get insecure and include clauses in the divorce not in my favor). I almost told him, "it is more probable than you know" and leave him wondering but didnt. Sometimes I amaze myself with my strength to keep my mouth shut (thanks to DBing). The point of course is that he doesnt think it's probable for me to fall for someone else. I told him that since I am not happy emotionally, sexually, companioinship wise it is likely that I will soon start "looking around". He said "yes of course you could but I havent thought of that option".
I dont know if he is depressed. Because he never had any kind of passion for anything except maybe our kids and football. naej, back when I met him, he lived on my passion. I didnt notice, so to speak, early enough...
ITH, my H is going to IC because "it just happened" as he said. No books, no physical exercise, no time for thinking, no time for doing fun things. He is happy with no passion in his life. Content. It's the way he is. I like excitement. Dont get me wrong, besides my kids, little things more than bigger things. Like a song I listened to recently, a trip I maybe planning, a TV show, a color, a perfume, a taste I try, etc etc ... and most of all, passion for the man I love.
The most frustrating thing of all, was when he said "we had a lovely weekend" and I felt we had a lovely weekend coparenting but a lousy weekend as parents. He is stuck to the past and how we were and it seems like he has forgotten how it feels like to be a couple, loving and enjoying life together.
Ali, better be right about May cause I've been counting on it!!! xxx K
May is the turning point but i still do not get the sense that you know which way you want it to turn. But perhaps i am not reading between the lines. Sometimes I get the feeling you would like to through in the towel and other times, that you will hang in forever and hope that H changes. Love may or may not be a decision but happiness definatelly is!
I love that phrase 'what a eunuch!'. I'm going to start incorporating that into every day conversation and see if other people start using it too. Brilliant!
As usual with your H it seems that he wants something that has gone, and you want something more than what you had (which is the only real way of rebuilding the R as far as I understand DBing). If only there was a way to show him how to step up, or how great things could be, but he isn't doing any of the things that the C suggested he try is he (or are you guys both still doing that?).
Either way it seems that things are coming to a head. Thinking of you (and Christos Anesti for next week!)
I find it interesting that he says he has no passion for work, but he makes it such a high priority.
I also find it interesting that he gets defensive when you talk about where your R is lacking. And that he seems to place such a low priority on sex. That, combined with his comment that he isn't passionate about anything, speaks of depression to me. Perhaps clinical because it seems like this isn't a low for him but he seems to think it's just normal.
Right now, you guys have a big disagreement over VERY basic R stuff. You want to travel, he doesn't. You want sex, he doesn't seem to. Etc etc. While it seems like you guys had enough in common to make it this far, it seems like your raised expectations are scaring him.
Have a good week!
(((Maria)))
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Hey M.. I felt the same, before reading others commetns, that he sounds depressed. In fact, quite the cliched male depression, the type where they throw themselves into work to numb themselves and so they dont have time to think.
I dont really understand all the defenisveness and the blaming and remembering who did what when, to whom, is he trying to lesen his own guilt by trying to pin some stuff on you?
You said "No books, no physical exercise, no time for thinking, no time for doing fun things. He is happy with no passion in his life. Content. It's the way he is."
... yes, but I dont agree he is happy (have you asked him? REALLY asked him, in himself I mean?) I thikn its his coping mechanism, his mask.. he works all the hours and has no life.. tahts not normal and the way you described him, he doesnt seem or sound happy. And if you really think he is so happy and contented, then why did he cry like a baby in the IC, more than she has seen any man cry in 12 years ?? And why did he tell you a few weeks ago that he is lonely?
Just because he gets angry, defensive and stonewalls you when you try to talk to him doesnt mean he is ok and happy.. he sounds liek the men in that book by Stonsy.. that they feel SOOO inadequate and shamed (starts with the mother hey !!!) that there natural normal reaction is to stonewall and get defensive and critical... etc etc.. you know the drill.
Well, I see your H as a very emotionally immature guy who is doing all the wrong things for you and for himself, in order to have a happy, fulfilling life, neverlone R.. and NOT a man who is content and happy with the person he is, or way he is dooing things. Its like he's on automatic pilot.. shut down.. like Windows, on standby mode...what would wake him up?? Any ideas??
It must have been a crummy few days anyway.. sounds kind of frustrating?
Oh and here are our excellent and apt stars for the week!! Read twice then print off and glue to your forehead...
April 13-19: A relationship may be at a crossroads during the first half of the week. Issue no ultimatums. Measure what you say and how you say it. You are advised to not slam the door on someone you care for or used to care for. Give things more time. Monday afternoon or evening kicks off a tumultuous trend that continues, off and on, through Wednesday afternoon. Cope with this the best you can – just don't burn a single bridge – not yet, anyway. Friday turns Venus direct, helping you see a relationship from a different perspective. This clarity vibe continues throughout the weekend, helping you make good choices. This is not the week to be a drama queen. Hear me, Pisces?
