Hello folks. Some of you may remember I created a post a little while ago confessing that I used to be a cheater, and inviting you to ask me questions if you were ready to hear the cold, hard facts about your cheating spouses. Many of you were very kind to me and I appreciate it, and I tried to help those who posted on my thread.
But this post is about a bit of hope....
In the past 5 years I have researched so much literature and so many message boards, to educate myself about relationships. What makes them work? What makes them fail? What causes infidelity? All that good stuff and more. I did this research because I wanted to make sure that I never repeated the mistakes I made in my marriage, and I wanted to understand how I had gotten so far off track.
One of the most fascinating bits of info came from John Gray, in his book Mars and Venus on a Date.
In this book he describes the "stages" of dating, and how if these stages are not followed correctly and in order, the relationship will usually fail. I will try to make this post as brief as possible, so I will not go into details about the stages here, but instead will just try to recap the entire concept here.
Basically he says that a relationship must move along *slowly* and must only progress in relation to the *true* intimacy that builds over time. A relationship that goes full speed ahead with ILY's and "lets get married or move in together" in a short period of time, is usually doomed to fail.
He also says that many men get confused in the early stages of dating and can quickly fall "in love", but in reality, they are doing what he calls "blowtorching". When this happens to a man, he can feel like he has found love at first sight and proclaim to everyone he knows that he has found his soulmate...only to turn on a dime and completely lose those lovin' feelings within a matter of moments, never to have those feelings return. Dr. Gray explains that this happens because the man jumped the gun and wasn't really in love, but was actually blowtorching, and because the man had boxed himself into a corner by proclaiming to the woman that he had found his soulmate, his only recourse now is to break up with her and disappear, so as to lessen the pain for her now that he is sheepishly realizing he barely knew this woman for only a few short months.
Women do this all the time too, so the book did not adress it so much. Women are typically guilty of feeling as if they are falling in love at the first signs of attraction. But Dr. Gray's point is that men do this too, only they will bolt the scene once they wake up from their "attraction fog", whereas women will try and try and try and try and try to stick it out and get those lovin' feelings back.
Dr. Gray also goes into the dynamics of attraction between the genders, and how if a man is steadily pursuing a relationship with a woman, and the woman is gently pacing him so as not to get too far out ahead in front of himself...this relationship will tend to last. However, if a woman is pursuing a man, typically the man will lose interest after a short period of time. Apparently the male/female dynamics of pursuit and attraction are so deeply part of our nature that this plays itself out over and over.
After doing a lot of personal research and then coming across this book, so many lightbulbs went off. I could see the examples in his book happening in relationships all around me, and within my own.
Now...here is where I am going with this....
Let's take an affair. How do they start? Well they start on the sly, with a sleazy undertone, and in hush hush dark corners. Is this the foundation for a healthy relationship? NO.
How does the pursuit go? Well, maybe in an affair where the man is pursuing the woman, the affair may go on for a while. But if it is the opposite and a woman is pursuing a man, the affair/relationship is typically doomed, as the man will quickly lose interest.
Even if the affair does go on for a while....what about all the ILY's and "I think you're my soulmate" that is said within the first month of the affair?.....THIS is evidence that the "relationship" is doomed, folks. Please trust me here. Any two people who claim to have found their soulmates within a month or ILY's or anything of that sort is DOOMED. This is called a "false sense of intimacy".
Generally, relationships are hard to make work out right. It takes several ingredients in the proper order to work:
1. It takes two people who are emotionally available and ready for a relationship. If one or both of these people is married, how can they be emotionally available and ready for a relationship?
2. It takes the passage of time with regular, healthy dating. If one or both of these people is married, how can what time they sneak off to see each other be considered regular, healthy dating? For it to be healthy dating, it MUST be above board and not be hiding and sneaking, not stolen moments and weird cryptic texts.
3. It takes both people being totally honest with themselves about why they are here and what they are gaining from the relationship. Can a married person who is having an affair truly know why he or she is there and what they are gaining? Usually a married person having an affair is just using it as escapism so that they will not have to deal directly with their current marital problems.
4. Both people need to be moved on COMPLETELY and healed from all previous relationships. People who are married and having an affair are obviously not moved on or healed from their current marriages! LOL!
So when you think about it, is there really any affair relationship that can pass any of the tests above? No, not really. And this is why they are doomed to fail.
Now, having said this, it doesn't mean you SHOULD wait it out. It doesn't mean you SHOULD still want your spouse after an affair (many people don't want their spouse back and who can blame them). But it also doesn't mean that the people having the affair actually know or understand the above dynamics.
Single people get swept away by silly emotions and "blowtorching" just as often as people who are having affairs, and the relationships never work out for them either! So it is a universal thing, folks....a relationship that starts out on the sly between two unhealed, unavailable people, and which quickly moves from zero to ILY in a matter of weeks....is DOOMED.
Now, what I hope to have you realize here is that if your spouse is having an affair, the affair is doomed. Not that this makes it any easier to tolerate what is going on, nor should you even try to tolerate it. Just that, I know so many of you have heard your spouse say "I met my soulmate" or "I couldn't help myself, OM/OW has something that I need that completes me" or some other rubbish. This is rubbish when it comes from a single person, too, if it is being said within the first few weeks.
And the other thing here is that even if an A has been going on for several months, the amount of actual *dating* time spent between the two adulterous partners is more along the lines of a few weeks. The stolen moments don't really add up that quickly. It would take years and years of stolen moments to equal a couple of months of solid, true dating between two single people. So even if an A partner insists they *know* that they *love* this other person because *it has been going on for so long*...the truth is that they barely know this person. And this reality WILL smack them in the face eventually.
If you go and do some research about this yourself, it may help you. Even if you don't want your spouse back, you can still consider their A relationship to be doomed. DQ
I haven't read your previous post but will look for it now. I have seen your name come up several times in others. If you have time, would you please look at my sitch and let me know what you think about it.
Thanks so much and thank you for your wisdom.
H-41 (alcoholic) Me-38 D-13 SD-10 T-6yrs M-4.75yrs Bomb-10/4/08 Moved in w/OW 11-13-08
Thanks you so much for your last 2 threads, very enlightening!
I too like to research and learn all I can about whatever is important in my life at the moment. I'm always reading!
Even though it does help to know their relationship is doomed, there is still doubt. Have you found in your research any relationships that start out as A's that last?
In my sitch both H and OW have been in long-term marriages and claim to have been friends for about a year. The physical relationship started about 5 months ago. If you get time could you look at my sitch.
Again, thanks for you widsom. This is something you are passionate about and it shows!
Me:44 H:40 D:14 S:12 Bomb: 12/08 & 12/04 H moved out 2/09
DCBHM - Yes, I can see that there will always be the exception, which is exactly why we, as LBS, need to protect ourselves first and decide later if we should want a new relationship with the WAS or someone else. We can't wait around for their dooms day as we need to create our own peace and individuality. (Now... if only I could practice what I just said.)
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H40 (me) W34 (WAW) S6 T11 M10
Feb09: Need a break bomb Mar09: I moved to apartment to GAL, PMA, NMMNG Apr09: WAW 'dating' OM at work, positive around me lately.
Puppy, I think its less than that, I read that 80% of M's survive infidelity, and of the 20% that do not, 55% of those relationships will fail, so I think that makes it something like 5%. I havent taken statistics in a long time though!
Dance, great post, you are right, you can see it in relationships all around you!
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
