Well at least I now know where to post. Thank you puppy for your kind words, you are right, he does need help.
I'm very worried financially, looks like I won't get much. Not going too panic to much right now, have appointment with a lawyer next week so fingers crossed.
I'm going to keep up counselling, I'm quite worried that this will all come back to haunt me. I think I'm putting the whole rejection and how and why to back of my mind right now because I'm so uncertain of my financial position.
I'll never get answers from him, I really have no clue what the hell happened, I'm sure I'll hear many tales in the coming months. need to be able to deal with them and realise that they are just tales.
I can't stand the thought that he had been falling out of love for months, doesn't make sense however, when I see how easy it is for him to walk away, it does make sense.
Anyway, onwards and upwards. Time to be independent
Welcome here. Your friends in Newcomers might not know where to find you. Perhaps you would want to create a thread and let them know where you are. This area is much slower than Newcomers with folks who are on the brink of divorce or are divorced.
*hugs*
My divorce was finalized in mid January of this year. I too was very worried financially, but found that my fears were far worse than the reality. Why? Because once I knew where I stood, I knew what to do. Before it was conjecture that skewed where I was.
You can get consultations on your legal rights with various reputable lawyers usually for free. Try to see at least three. When you state your situation, they can estimate what the outcome will be. I had a sense of entitlement and fear which dragged out the divorce which lead to unbelievable legal fees, crippling debt with a standard breakout of marital assets. My only advice is to know your legal rights, and know what you're willing to settle at. He might be willing to throw you a bone or two to get out of the marriage faster.
Counseling is a beautiful thing. Everyone has to process the effects of divorce, the betrayal in a marriage at some point in time. Sooner is always better than later. In my case I had no idea about boundaries, was anxiety ridden and shredded inside. My counselor gave me focus on how to heal, learning boundaries, how to allievate stress. Her mantra was "Be in a good place to make good decisions." She worked closely with my psychiatrist to make sure the medication (anti depressants) were effective.
Your spouse may never be able to validate you, or explain why he did what he did. In the end, he was extremely unhappy, and chose to leave rather than find a way to work it out. Healing comes when one is able to take full responsibility for their half of the problem. It takes two to get to this point. Letting go of blaming the other helps you on the road to forgiveness and releasing your pain, hurt, confusion.
Trying to figure out what caused him to leave, what you could have done, when did it happen are questions that can never be answered. I found forgiveness toward my spouse after sending him countless blessings and realizing that at some point our relationship broke. When? Who knows. The more I live in the present, the better I do. The past is over, hindsight is never 20/20. Worrying about the future gets you nowhere because it's not here.
You're doing an incredible job with everything that's been thrown at you in such a short period. My spouse said he was miserable and left 2 1/2 weeks later immediately starting the divorce process, never admitting to having a girlfriend and moving in with her. I tried to save my marriage and discovered something.
I could not pull back someone who'd emotionally checked out and was in another relationship. Letting him go completely earlier would have been better. Why? Because then he'd be alone with his decision without the distraction of (and/or satisfaction with) my misery. I've come to believe for a wayward spouse to even think of returning, you leave them. "Fine, goodbye, Do you need help packing your bags?"
Keep posting here.. and think about having a thread in Newcomers for all your new friends to support you. Then again, just hush me up if I'm screwing up your new found sense of acceptance and moving forward.
Good for you on all you're doing!
*hugs*
PS.. can you share what your situation is for the folks here?
you will never get the answer that you will like, you will always be tempted to ask "but why?". Truth be told, the WAS decision was born out of multiple circumstances, as far as I can see in this board, it starts with themselves lacking something, nothing anyone could've filled in but themselves. You can't give what you don't have (I mean, if they didnt love themselves then they had nothing to give to others).
Whenever I"m tempted -and that is often- to "figure out" how the whole thing got started I picture myself reaching into a large pot filled with shards of glass: a painful and pointless task that achieves nothing but hurt... I picture my hand coming out of it bleeding, pretty much self-inflicted wounds when I make trips to the past based on could'ves, should'ves and would'ves.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Thank you all, and thank you gypsy for looking in on me.
he still hasn't told his mother, she came round and was so lovely. told me not to worry about financial side of things but she doesn't see her son the way I do now.
Anyway spoke with a lawyer who reckons we should open up communication just by saying do you want to make an offer. Sounds so horrible and cold and greedy but I need to get a deposit for a flat somewhere.
It irritates me because I know he wants me to start the ball rolling that way, he can say I asked for it. It doesn't really matter anymore does it but it's the only thing he seemed to show valnerability about was the guilt.
anyway, I feel so intimidated by him now. Why is that? I keep thinking its because he is a stranger to me. He is a good business man and I have heard him argue out things with people and can be quite arrogant.
My friend assures me one day I look back and think what an arse-hole , glad I got out of that :-) can't wait for that day to arrive.
I've dumped the sleeping tablets and told everyone in work. They are so supportive, I have lots of friends and family who will help me.
I feel bad that you all have kids and it's just me on my own, I have it far easier than most but I guess heartbreak is heartbreak .
I'm all worried that I'm in denial. What is wrong with me?
When this first happened, everyone said think positive, not that I have at least been told we are not getting back together I'm thinking maybe we will LOL.
I am dreading getting a letter from a solicitor and seeing him again without his rings on.
5 days now with no contact. Quite a relief not to have to look at the selfish Bas*ards face to be honest.
Anyway, went out last night and had a really good time. There is life after him after all. Albeit, a scary one.
Hi Regrets, I'm glad you had a good time. Hopefully there will be many more.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
it's been well over a year since stbx and I separated for good, we sign D papers this week... and up until a month or so has denial totally dissapeared. Denial takes forever to go away, it's your mind asking logical questions about an illogical man, so it makes no sense and you are left racking your brain about where things went wrong. So don't beat yourself up about it honey, it will take several months, but you'll get there, and be a better person without his dead weight.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
