I was a JAG in the first Gulf War and later in the reserves. It's the Sailor's & Soldiers Civil Relief Act that prevents judgements from being entered against you in court if you are serving overseas and due to that service, are unable to defend your interests in court....BUT if you don't show up and are served, then you could have a judgement rendered against you, which you could later have vacated citing that statute. (Doubtful your h would do that given that he is also active duty and is there now, correct? )
Since you have tried one approach, ie pursuing, albeit from a long distance, maybe you can try a 180 sometime? Have you read the DB books? Just to say that you don't seem to say much about trying a diff approach. I KNOW you are not in the normal sitch, I get that. But 180's would still be good and you COULD do them in the emails and talks. DrHem- gave some great advice.
Any chance he wants to be free to "play" overseas b/c he doesn't want to have to maintain fidelity? Maybe he just wants to "take a time out" until he's back? Just a thought, b/c the m was a short one. Does not mean this doesn't suck for you, but it's a valid question given the time in the M, or relative lack thereof. What happened in his first M? Kids? Any pattern? How was the dating and engagement?
Do what you need to do so YOU can focus on keeping yourself alive and those relying on you to do YOUR job as well. If you obsess too much, it's dangerous, literally. I always hated WAS when they had spouses in combat zones...used to lecture them SO much...btw, many of them left my office WITHOUT div papers that's for sure..."yeah, come back LATER when you've really thought it out you selfish pathetic #$%^&" I think may have come out of my mouth on occasion. Ooops...oh well....made MY day easier...
Good luck, and don't lose all hope. I have relatives who actually divorced only to remarry years later. Yes, YEARS later. But the 2nd time around was better and lasted until death, or is still going on.
And it is b/c of DBing, and God's help that I am where I am now. I would not have predicted this 2 years ago. But it IS a longer road than your whole M has been, so if you really really want it you better buckle in for the long haul. We did mc but H was unreachable and had to find his own way however weird or incomprehensible it was to me. But I have to say it was DBing that helped me the most. And answer your h's questions about why you want to be married to him with more than ILY...I think he needs reasons..just a hunch. But then, do it in view of the fact that you have not really done any 180's of note, have you? A day or two of a behavior, let alone from such a distance, is NOT a 180 that you can measure. I'd keep ALL the talk light and upbeat...and NO R talk at all.
For now. Also consider a DB coaching session. Of the many many things I did to help myself, GAL and PMA, etc. the single most important thing was the DB coaching...specific, clear. And of course part of that is GAL...are you? I saw the trips planned---yay!! Good for you...
take care, and Carry On...
(( j ))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thanks for your respone. I've seem many of your posts and you always give great advice... and great 2x4s :-)!!
I have read both DB & DR. I have done some 180s with good results. Had good results with no R talks, sending pics from adventures I've taken, and decreasing regular e-mails with him and sending an occasional e-mail with a crazy experience or humor. I've had mixed results with sending small care packages. I was away at training for a month (little communication with H) and when I got back our R was the best it had been in several months. He was calling me just to chat and was friendly.
I tried to avoid R talks like the plague however we hit a big bump when I came back - D papers! I was not home when they attempted to serve me (away in Cali) and they have yet to come back. I have not picked them up b/c honestly I have not gotten off work early enough and do not feel obligated to pick them up. H is reluctant to serve me at work???? But is very angry I do not have the papers. You do the math :-).
I do think he doesn't want the obligation of working on a M while deployed. I also deploy this summer - so it will be close to 2 years apart. I offered to have us take a "time out", remain friends, and pick back up once back - but H did not want that.
I have come to learn fidelity is an issue for him. This week he admitted he has cheated on all of his other long-term GFs/ex-wife - which he lied about during our courtship. Just learned some other great info this morning... H told me this morning he slept with another woman in Nov while on a trip. I knew he went away for a weekend w/o me but of course naively believed he went by himself. This happened two weeks after the bomb - but damn!! Also states he has slept with someone over in Iraq since deploying. I've been out of sight, out of mind for quite awhile now. It's been a great day....
I have come to learn a lot about his character. H seems like a charming, upstanding guy and I believe he wants to be this man. However it is not his true character... Seems to really thrive & enjoy the attention of woman without having the commitment. It seems like he needs it for his self-esteem - more so than the average person.
I honestly think H thought he wanted marriage & the whole package, had doubts, but went through with the M anyways. And he quickly realized it's not what he wants. What a better way to prove it then fly away for a weekend and cheat... It makes me nauseous. I still will never understand why you would give up on a M so quickly. I learned a lot this morning and have to digest it all.....
This has been the most difficult thing I have ever dealt with - and I'm a tough woman! I have learned a lot about myself, about Rs, and most importantly have grown so much in my R with God. The Lord has renewed me so many times and kept me afloat during this whole process. I honestly have no idea what the future holds for our M... but have complete faith & trust everything will be ok.
My H, like yours was, is unreachable and has to find his own way. I can do nothing for him but to let him go right now. Will he come back to me? I have no idea but I know I have to completely let it go. I am sorry it appears our M will be sacrified to make that happen right now. But I will never lose hope and trust in God.
Our M aside, I have a lot to look forward to in the next few months and am actually ready to deploy. I have a lot of other great things to focus on in my life :-)
Me:28, first M H: 33, second M Married: 08/08 Bomb: 10/08 H filed D and deployed: 12/08 Served: 04/09 I deploy: 07/09 Hearing date: 08/09
I've said it before, and I'll say it again - your faith is inspirational. I'm so sorry you keep getting discouraging revelations from your H, but your unwavering faith and commitment gives me courage and hope for my own sit, and I thank you so much for sharing your journey with us.
You were one of the first people here to give me advice, and even though you are going through such a difficult time, you still check in on me and help keep my spirits up. Your kindness and generosity of spirit is evident, and God will reward you. You remain in my prayers, and I have a huge amount of respect for you.
Thank you for your contribution to this community, and for your service to our country. You are a hero, and I salute you!
Thank you Song. You brought tears to my eyes. You always lift me up when I am struggling. Today was one of those days I desperately needed encouragement... so thank you. Your words mean a lot. I will keep you in my prayres as well :-)
Me:28, first M H: 33, second M Married: 08/08 Bomb: 10/08 H filed D and deployed: 12/08 Served: 04/09 I deploy: 07/09 Hearing date: 08/09
I'm still in the midst of processing all the new info I received yesterday. I was overwhelmingly sad & felt "disguisting" yesterday - lots & lots of tears. I feel like taking off my ring & changing my name back pronto - but that's all emotionally driven. Today I've been able to focus on work, which has been great. I got a lot of anger & frustration out in my workout today.
It feels like our entire R was a scam and full of falsehood. I feel like I was used & disgarded. It is extremely disheartening. I am just letting myself feel the emotions as they come & dealing....
I have my next appt with my MC tomorrow. I hope he will be able to help me cope.
Me:28, first M H: 33, second M Married: 08/08 Bomb: 10/08 H filed D and deployed: 12/08 Served: 04/09 I deploy: 07/09 Hearing date: 08/09
