This weekend has been pretty good. W is gone to KC with kids and her parents and they seem to be having a good time. I have talked and texted her some and we were both pleasant. I went to see my Hogs beat Florida in baseball yesterday and had a great time there. Spent the rest of the day just hanging out at home and alternating between looking at this site, reading, playing PS3 and watching a movie. Today, I woke up and went to church. This is a big deal for me, as I would have NEVER gotten up on my own and gone to church by myself. Sad I know, but true. W called me while I was there about 15 minutes before service started and I think she was surprised that I was there. Spent the rest of the day just hanging out again, then went home and my BIL and SIL were there (live next door) so BIL and I ended up playing ping pong for a while until I left and went to play basketball with a bunch of friends. I think that I did a great job of GAL this weekend. Also, I think I have done well with the not pursuing but being loving and nice when she called or texted. Hopefully this is a start to a good week.
I started my Celexa and hopefully this will also start to take the edge off. Everytime I feel myself getting anxious and/or mad I just tell myself "STOP!" And then I try to think of something else. It is working right now. Everyone, please stay with me!
25years has given some great pointers to you...not least:-
"If I knew I wanted to work on the M, I'd spare myself that pain and work on ME"
I've been there - 2 years ago...i have no advice - merely reflections on what i wish I had done...
I would have not have snooped - or if I had I would have challenged straight away I would have acted As If!!! I would have sorted out a whole load of 180s I would have looked into the concept of "love busters" via marriagebuilders
This is a really difficult thing to deal with...your anger is "nothing" its not productive - clearly its not...it doesn't have to be part of you - in the same was as procrastination doesn't have to be part of me!!!
What do you achieve by being angry? For me procrastination was a form of control i think..."I just need to think about that"
Anger I think may be an extreme expression of that - perhaps you can offer something more?
But - hey LonelyRzr - things could be ok...
And you know what - you have found the best place!
As i'm sure you realise - GFI
Thanks for posting in my last thread!
I do want to work on my marriage. Its the most important thing to me in my life. And I know that I need to quit snooping, and hopefully I will stop that from now on, but there are no guarantees
I am trying like heck to act "as if" and GAL and 180's
I need to check out "love busters" and also check out marriagebuilders.
I also know the anger does nothing productive and I am trying to stop it and I have done a pretty good job this weekend.
I will keep it up and thanks again for stopping by and giving me your words of encouragement.
But if you think that there's a chance you'd want to work things out with her, then why? Why put yourself through that, when in fact she might be working her way back to you? Why torture yourself...or is it so you can hold it over her head the rest of her life? ASK YOURSELF what your motives are and what you'll do with the information you get. And how much energy you want to spend on constantly obsessing and speculating and suspecting, instead of working on the M itself, or you.
You are exactly right. I know I would/will work on anything to get her back even if she had a PA. So, that being said, I have to quit snooping and I will. It really isn't worth it. I wish I didn't know what I do already, but the good is that its out in the open and she can't continue it. I am starting to get it and will continue to do so.
glad you are making real progress. When my dad died suddenly, some years ago, I started an AD after about 6 weeks of just not getting any better. You know, lots of "What if's?" that were driving me crazy and my thoughts would go around in the loop without taking the exit ramp, so to speak. So I said yes to the AD's. But I kid you not, out of nowhere, in 48-72 hours I felt a difference. That fast for me! Not huge, at first, but noticeable. Then 2 weeks later as I was driving to work I recall singing out loud or tapping on the wheel to a song on the radio, and I suddenly thought "wth? I'm feeling better!!" So yeah, it was a friggin' miracle. Also had some sleep aids for awhile. So for short term (or long??) I am a huge believer in them. Why'd I go see a doc for this? The trigger point for me was my d4 seeing me sad and h telling her I would not be reading to them that night, again, b/c I was sad. Then my sweet loving 4 y/o asked me, "Are you going to be sad all the days?" She wasn't complaining, she just wanted to know...OUCH!! so that day I made an appointment b/c no way was I going to show my kids that sadness is forever. Someday they'll face our demise and we have to show them you do go on. (Same for this sitch!!)
Lots of hopeful signs in your situation. As you have heard, we don't know what things your wife will need to wake up, or feel the same or "get it'. or come back, etc. But We often know what will NOT work though. And you are really getting somewhere with those tasks and not doing them, so now your focus will be to figure out what does work, WHEN the time comes....the time for monitoring results is clearly not here yet. But it will be in a few months. Try maybe 90 days?
So you're GAL, and being upbeat but not pursuing, doing some 180s, ALL great goals to do and achieve. This is a good week I think. (Oh, sometimes good weeks are not all smooth, but you'll know the diff.)
She'll need some real time to trust these changes. Give that to her and you. Keep the stop signs going in your head when you need to, ask your doc for anti-anxiety stuff or sleep stuff if that keeps you from wailing or hitting on "OM" (can I call him the "?O?M?" instead b/c honestly, I CAN actually imagine them having an R without anything really physical. A kiss? Maybe, sure. But if she says nothing physical AND he says that too, AND they aren't parading around or professing their love, etc. then it is possible you got there in time....so let it go. Let God handle that, while you handle you.
Take care and keep us posted! (( j ))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Once again, you say the right things to keep me grounded and keep on track. I know this is out of my hands and I have handed it all to God and asked him to carry the load so I can work on me.
Update: Didn't end up going home last night. S was carsick from ride home and D went to eat with IL's. W called me at 8:45 and said S was feeling better but D wasn't home yet so I told her that I would just come by tomorrow after work. I think she sounded kind of disappointed and I said that it was getting too late and not sure when D would be home so I will come after work and spend the whole night with the kids. W's birthday is Saturday and I will take the kids out tonight to pick out bday present and cards for her from them. I already got her something but not sure if I will give it to her. What are your thoughts on this? I normally get her something nice (which I did this time) and get her 2 cards, one romantic that I add to with words of my own and one sexy and fun. I am not sure that I will get a card this year, again thoughts? And this is not a revenge thing or back at ya, but she didn't get me a card for Christmas, my bday, or vday and I gave her 2 for each (not my bday
Anyway, still going strong and going to make this week good, day by day!
Lonely, You are really rocking this out. I am so proud of you. I'm so glad one of us isn't having massive backslides! As for the gift.....that is tricky. I would give her the gift as is. Make it not a big deal "Hope you like it, if not, you can return it, I promise, no hurt feelings." And then, get her the perfect friend card, find one you would give to your female cousin. And then when you get back together, for her next birthday you can give her the other cards and even let her know when you bought them. That's going to be an awesome story. Your weekend sounded awesome actually. Good you time.
Im not sure how much I am rocking it out, but I am trying. You keep up your PMA and hang in there. I keep going back and forth on the gift and cards. I know for sure though that I am not giving the romantic and sexy cards. Thanks for your input on it and I will continue to think this through. A lot of time until Saturday. Hopefully tonight will be a good night. W has texted me a couple of times and been really nice and thoughtful asking how may night was and hoping I had a great day and I returned the wishes. Time to get back to actual work
Well I backslid a little bit, but not too bad as we had a decent discussion about sex I told her that I know I should say this but I wanted to really bad and that surely she was thinking of it too since its been 4 months. She said she didn't want to hurt me but couldn't do it right now and hoped I understood. I told her that I did and wasn't hurt or mad and that I should not have said that. She told me that I shouldn't be sorry and it was ok I said it and that she even liked knowing it but right now it wasn't right. I told her that I appreciated her talking straight with me about it and I understood and also really appreciated how nice she has been to me since Friday.
We then lightened everything up and started talking about a tooth implant she is having soon. Anyway, I did backslide, but it wasn't me going into temper tantrum mode like I have been known to do in the past. She even texted me afterward and thanked me for being nice about it and not blowing up. So maybe I earned some points who knows.
Going to the house tonight to be with the kids and maybe her to. I have to remember to be nice, loving, and detach!
Yeah!! I don't know that it was an official back slide, at least not like I've been having lately. I think it was a legitimate question and she should be happy you asked her and didn't go to some bar to pick up some random person. And it also sounded like she did appreciate you asking and not just trying to entice her physically, like "Hey Chick-e-ba-bee!" I hate the dentist. Tonight be nice and completely not upset that she's not quite ready for the lovin'. You are rocking it out.