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Originally Posted By: Upgrade
I am tormented by my thoughts and her actions. I can barely function. Ate 1 time yesterday, slept 3 hours. Can't concentrate on anything else.


I was there too, man. A couple months ago I was getting maybe 4 hours of sleep, ate hardly anything, was always tired, couldn't concentrate on anything. I want you to know that this will pass. It will take time, but things will get better for you. Time is your friend in all this.

You need to try to keep yourself as busy as possible. Get out of the house and go to the gym or hang out with friends. Just don't sit around alone thinking about your W. That will only make things worse.

Originally Posted By: Upgrade
I am so lost and feel so alone. Unsure of what to do.


While it is true that ultimately you are alone in this battle, you do have support from your family, friends, and even people on this board. But the weight of all this does fall onto your shoulders. So what can you do about it? Make yourself strong so that you can handle anything. And that starts with physical strength. Do not underestimate the power of working out every day. You WILL start to feel better after a few weeks of that. In addition to working out I also starting taking martial arts classes. It's very empowering to whip your body into great shape while learning how to defend yourself.

As for strengthening your mind, reading books like No More Mr. Nice Guy, Hold Onto Your N.U.T.S, and The Way of the Superior Man, are a good place to start.


Me: 33
WAW/MLC: 33
M: 4+, T: 10+
Separated: Nov 08
A#1: Oct 08 - Jan 09 (exposed and ended)
A#2: Feb 09 - ?
1: http://tinyurl.com/mrmistakes
2: http://tinyurl.com/ckch9t
3: http://tinyurl.com/stillwaters3
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Originally Posted By: Upgrade
You are so FD*(&*( right!! I just checked her cell phone log and found she's been having lots of late night text messages to some OM.


I wish I could say I was surprised.

Welcome to the club, unfortunately it's a big one.


H: 38
W: 36
S: 8
S: 5
M: 16
Bomb: 8/25/08
OM: 9/21/08
EA (Possible PA) with co-worker since 5/08 (at least...)
Sep: 9/21/08
D Filed 9/23/08
My Situation
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Listen to Puppy.
Listen to SW.

I too was EXACTLY where you are now about 6 months ago. Blindsided. She was unhappy? Who is this person now? I don't recognize her. No counseling? No separation? NO CHANCE?

I was a WRECK. I lost SIXTY TWO pounds in a little over 2 months. I was barely functional for three. I had 5 hours of sleep on a GOOD night.

My tips:
1) Detachment. It's like riding a bike. You will fall off but eventually it sticks. This is job #1.
2) DO NOT MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE...EVER.
3) Stop groveling. This is about her, not you. Man up.
4) Take advantage of her fog and get a SWEET deal. Remember: in the eyes of the law, divorce is a FISCAL TOOL. Think about your future. You can't stop her from leaving, but you CAN make sure you get a good deal now.

It hurts. Worse than anything, but you know what? IT DOES GET BETTER!!!


H: 38
W: 36
S: 8
S: 5
M: 16
Bomb: 8/25/08
OM: 9/21/08
EA (Possible PA) with co-worker since 5/08 (at least...)
Sep: 9/21/08
D Filed 9/23/08
My Situation
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 458
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Hey Upgrade,

Sorry for your pain but like everyone here says we all have been there. Superstar is right though about moving out. My wife hit me up with the same I am over our marriage. Over the last 5 months I have learned she had an affair or left me so she could.. Matters not. But from the first I looked to protect myself and my access to my daughter.

My lawyer said don't leave the house. She can't make you. As hard as it is to hear she is the one that wants you out so she will not feel as much guilt and free up the need to hide her actions. This is a big motivator for her to enter a settlement agreement to your liking. My wife kept asking me when I would move out and I told her when we had a signed settlement. I lived with her pleasantly and really thought things were going well but you could see her drift away to this other guy, denying that he was just a friend.

Sure enough one day she left and came back with a settlement agreement that had everything I had asked for in it. Just like the lawyer said she would... following an ugly script.

I struggle everyday with why I can't let go of her. I seek out the advice of Puppy, and so many others here because I see their advice and statements play out everyday in my life. I don't offer advice on how to get your wife back just support for your pain.

But do not move out of the house, do not get close to her during any arguement, and do not talk about your relationship. You love her and are willing to give everything up to her because you care but later you will regret that!


my second thread
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Thank you so much everyone. I am struggling so badly. She just switched her phone over to her own account and I can't go in and look at her call logs anymore. Good thing I did this morning and documented everything so at least I have some proof. Unfortunately in AZ we are a no fault community property state. I don't think staying in the house is going to help. She told me today that she is moving on Friday, and asked why I can't be glad that she's happy. Wow, just writing that statements is like a stab in the heart.

She's so happy moving on without me...I don't get it, and I know I have to stop trying to. She is really throwing me into the cold on this one. At this point I am getting so angry and bitter I don't care about salvaging my marriage. I don't think I could ever forgive her for her actions. I just want the hurt to go away. The thought of her having an affair has been killing me. I keep picturing her with another man and it bothers me SO INTENSELY. The image of her shopping at Victoria's Secret is eating at me. I was told to prepare for this, but never imagined it was going to happen to me. I'm not trying to be the victim but the damn pain hurts so much I can't think about anything else.

I can't even imagine myself being with another woman right now, and it's a hard pill to swallow thinking that she has been with another man or is going to be very soon.


Me: 33
W: 26
Married: 5 yrs in July
T: 8.5 yrs
Kids: 0
Bomb: 2/4/09
D Filed (by her): 2/28/09
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 339
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Originally Posted By: Upgrade
Unfortunately in AZ we are a no fault community property state. I don't think staying in the house is going to help.


So is Texas... and it didn't hurt me one little bit. EVERYTHING IS NEGOTIABLE. This is business now. STAY IN THE HOUSE.

Quote:

She told me today that she is moving on Friday, and asked why I can't be glad that she's happy. Wow, just writing that statements is like a stab in the heart.


Puppy is much better than I with this kind of stuff. He and Phoenix really set my mind right early in my process and it has made all the difference.

Quote:

She's so happy moving on without me...I don't get it, and I know I have to stop trying to.


They all seem like it. Get used to it. It's the "fog".

Quote:
I keep picturing her with another man and it bothers me SO INTENSELY. I'm not trying to be the victim but the damn pain hurts so much I can't think about anything else.


I'm sorry to say, that while this DOES eventually go away, it will be the last thing to do so. Eat it, process it, and then try to let it go. Time does wonders with this.

Battery dying. I'll post later. Stay strong and when in doubt...

DO NOTHING


H: 38
W: 36
S: 8
S: 5
M: 16
Bomb: 8/25/08
OM: 9/21/08
EA (Possible PA) with co-worker since 5/08 (at least...)
Sep: 9/21/08
D Filed 9/23/08
My Situation
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 31
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Last night did not go well. I got home and she was on the couch programming her new phone. We made small talk and she asked if I could help get her contacts synced from her old phone to her new one. Of course I offered to help. As I began to connect her phone to the PC, I looked in her message inbox. I did not have long because she was just a few feet away. The inbox was pretty cleared out, just had older messages from known friends and myself. I knew she didn't clear out the deleted box or sents...looked in there and found messages from 2 guys. OM1 & OM2. OM1 is the coworker and the one I suspect the affair is with.

Message from OM1 - "oh $%*&, do you think he can use that against you in court?" & "sorry to put you through this"
The 2nd message I’m not sure if she received or sent.
Message from OM2 - “I’m sorry you are going through this, I wish we could cuddle”

She walked up on me and I switched screens. I was trembling with anxiety and anger. We continued small talk and she began to tell me how she couldn’t sleep the night before because of our argument. I asked what bothered her so much and she replied the conversation and my accusations. I said, doesn’t OM1 help comfort you through these things? (using his name of course) She turned red and had a strange smile on her face. I told her I knew about both guys, using their names. She asked me if I hired a PI. Then she went on to say that there is nothing physical going on that they are friends. I told her I was aware that something has been going on for months and inappropriate times of messages being sent and either way it is unacceptable. She then got mad at me saying she can’t believe I would snoop on her and invade her privacy, that I was harassing her. I went into the log of all the calls and messages I made and the messages I just saw and stated that I am not a fool, just admit the truth.

She continued to get angry and said she can’t trust me anymore, to of course which I replied, I can’t trust her and in the almost 9 years together I have NEVER once questioned her faithfulness or snooped on her until now. I mentioned the Victoria’s Secret website visit and she got livid, saying that she was shopping for her friend’s bridal shower in 2 weeks. I forgot about that. My mind automatically assumed the worst. However, I can’t believe nothing is going on with at least OM1. She said that he’s her friend and is at least there for her because she can’t talk to her other friend any more because I talked to her. I told her I know these types, I used to be these guys when I was younger. Waiting to take advantage of a weak woman. She then began packing and saying she was leaving.

I left the house. On the way back from my friend’s house, I drove by IL’s house and saw her car there. Went home and she had taken some things but not all. She left me a message saying to fill up the dogs’ food and water in a couple days. I changed the door locks. Is that the wrong thing to do? I don’t want her coming back in here whenever she feels like it without my knowledge. I plan on ignoring calls from her and letting her get the rest of her things as I place them into the front yard or garage for her, on my schedule. I know I’m upset and angry. Just feel really numb right now. At least I could sleep in my bedroom for once last night.

I want to text message her good friend and coworker and let her know what’s going on. I want to tell my IL’s what’s going on. At the end of the day, I still want to save my marriage. I just don’t know what to do at this point. I’m sure my actions are not inline with DB’ng principles, but I haven’t read anything about how to handle this. Today I’m thinking about taking her name off all joint accounts , credit cards, etc. She is making me so cold and bitter. I really did not want to be this way. Now I can see she has been nice to me to try to get things. I want to send OM1 a message also, not sure what I would say, but something along the lines of him having no morals and crossing the line.

I realize my actions have gotten me where I am today. I accept responsibility for my part in this. I’m trying to empathize with her and understand how she might feel. I am having a hard time with that though. I just don’t see how our arguments justify her actions. I know she is just trying to make herself happy now. I just can’t accept her behavior.
This has been a long post! I hope to hear some advice soon before my day begins, please help!


Me: 33
W: 26
Married: 5 yrs in July
T: 8.5 yrs
Kids: 0
Bomb: 2/4/09
D Filed (by her): 2/28/09
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 18,296
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Originally Posted By: Upgrade
I hope to hear some advice soon before my day begins, please help!


Upgrade,

Still Waters (and I, for that matter) DID help you, over the weekend. We both implored you not to confront your wife yet, until you'd had more time to process everything and so we could help you some more.

Why did you?

Quote:
I want to text message her good friend and coworker and let her know what’s going on. I want to tell my IL’s what’s going on. At the end of the day, I still want to save my marriage. I just don’t know what to do at this point. I’m sure my actions are not inline with DB’ng principles, but I haven’t read anything about how to handle this.


What are you talking about??? You were practically given a PLAYBOOK to follow by SW, and I added "What SW said -- exactly."

Is there a reason you ignored all the advice you were given?

Puppy

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@Puppy,
You are right. I got so emotional I could not contain it. It is another knee jerk reaction I can add to my list of things to work on improving. I should've stayed away from her, I could've handled it better. It burned me up inside to not tell her, I folded under the emotional pressure. The thoughts were disturbing me so much that I needed to hear it from her.

I'm calmer now...what do you recommend I do from this point forward? I changed the doorlocks...is that too much?


Me: 33
W: 26
Married: 5 yrs in July
T: 8.5 yrs
Kids: 0
Bomb: 2/4/09
D Filed (by her): 2/28/09
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 198
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Upgrade,

I just caught up on your thread and I am really sorry that you are going through this. Listen to Puppy and its easier said than done, but try to remain calm. I have the hardest time with that.

IMHO, changing the locks is a bit harsh, but you need to do what is right for you.

LonelyRzr


Me-37, W-36, M-14, T-24, D-11, S-7
Bomb - 11/29/08, D filed - 9/10/09

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