I played golf nearly every Saturday which took up most of the day. We hardly did any family activities as the Sunday was spent with me doing DIY, jobs around the house etc. I also participated in gym work two evenings aweek without me ever saying to my wife "why don't we try and do something together". She sometimes said are you playing golf this weekend and I would say yes, though on reflection she never asked me not to. ithink she may have been testing me to see if i "got it", which I clearly didn't.
As a contractor I workd various weekends to supplement our income as I never knew when the contract would end, I cannot recall her complaining or mentioning it as the last thing I wanted to do was work weekends.
After the bomb was dropped and reading everything on this site and others, I have found complete clarity on what I should have done, all the hints from my wife, though she never mentioned going to counselling when she initially became unhappy, and now she will not entertain it as she said it is too late.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
I played golf nearly every Saturday which took up most of the day. We hardly did any family activities as the Sunday was spent with me doing DIY, jobs around the house etc. I also participated in gym work two evenings aweek without me ever saying to my wife "why don't we try and do something together". She sometimes said are you playing golf this weekend and I would say yes, though on reflection she never asked me not to. ithink she may have been testing me to see if i "got it", which I clearly didn't.
As a contractor I workd various weekends to supplement our income as I never knew when the contract would end, I cannot recall her complaining or mentioning it as the last thing I wanted to do was work weekends.
After the bomb was dropped and reading everything on this site and others, I have found complete clarity on what I should have done, all the hints from my wife, though she never mentioned going to counselling when she initially became unhappy, and now she will not entertain it as she said it is too late.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
What Puppy said to you is true Mark. When women check out of a marriage they tend to rewrite history to justify their decision. When you said that your wife told you the problems had started 2-3 years ago was that something she made you aware of at the time or has she just told you that recently? As Puppy says, there's a huge difference. Do not believe half of the things your wife says to you now. She's going to be saying things to get a reaction from you. Don't rise to it.
When I mentioned her trying to call your bluff in my last post I meant that you need to stick to your guns. If you talk the talk you have to be prepared to walk the walk. You don't just have to act more assertive and manly, you actually have to be more assertive and manly. If she sees the change in you she will try to test it. If you're not commited to the change she will see through it.
Don't believe your wife when she says it's too late. Divorce Busting can be initiated by one person only. If you can stretch to it financially get yourself some telephone coaching. They'll give you a much more personalised plan of action. I just had my first session this week and I found it really helpful.
Kev
Me: 32, Wife: 22 Son: 2 Married: 2 years Separated: January 5th 2009
Sometimes you have to become lost before you can find yourself.
1. Do not move out of the house, period. When you inform W of this, do allow her hysterics throwing stuff, etc, maybe even give her a day. 2. Do not argue in front of your children ever again. My children have never seen us argue - they have only ever heard W yell. More recently, I stopped that - if W tries to start something, I say, "Not in front of the kids". And the kids see and respect that. She hasn't tried to argue with me in 3 weeks now because of that. 3. The most important thing right now is your children. While you will hurt, and hurt badly, you CAN move on. You CAN find someone else if you are so inclined, and you will be OK. Your children are going to be scarred the rest of their lives. Your primary focus is your children, and don't forget it.
I know how hard this is - I know the times when I just wanted to sit on the couch, and it was by sheer willpower that I pulled myself up, and took kids to the park or something. Even if I just sat on a bench and watched, I still got out, and took them somewhere.
Read, read, read, and truly apply it to your life. I have a quick and very sharp tongue, and it has hurt my W before. There were times in the beginning where I would LITERALLY bite my tongue almost to blood. Now, 2.5 years later, my reactions are calm, kind, and loving - and it's very natural, not contrived or put on.
Guys, Thanks for the advice. JD, are you back with your wife now or are you still working on it? Kev, thanks for your information - how much is a counselling session and what is the time difference?
To bring you up to date, on Friday night I my wife said my work rucksack 'came open' and she found my copy of DR. She said "why have you got that, you don't actually think this book is going to make adifference do you"? I said the book is geared towards life after divorce but I don't think she believed me. I wanted to challenge her on the fact about my bag 'coming open' but I could not prove this happened or not, and secondly I did not want to start another argument. Last night (Sunday) she went over to a friends house and returned around midnight. I sleep in my son's bedroom and he sleeps in the marital bed. He became restless and I went in to comfort him, within 5 minutes I dozed off which was around 1115pm. My wife returned and wondered what I was doing in the bed, I told her and then said (on Kev's advice) that I cannot sleep in my son's room any longer as it's not comfortable and suggested from tomorrow she goes into my son's room. My son then awoke and started crying because of us arguing. I get very upset (without showing it) when my son gets so upset. He is only 6 and asks me to say sorry to mummy and muumy to say sorry to daddy. I just do not know what is best - stay in the marital home or leave and try to go dark for my sanity and the childrens. I guess I need to go through with telling my wife she needs to sleep in my son's room to try and get some respect from my wife and to 'man up', but will this help me in trying to win my wife back or has she gone for good? She is still talking in complete negatives and wants to get the divorce finalised as quickly as possible. She has also told a friend it is definately over which hurts, but my wife has noticed my changes this weekend, for instance I went out to dinner on Friday and bought the hostess some flowers which my wife was very surprided I would do that. She has noticed other things but refuses to acknowledge them. When I think I am taking 'baby steps' I then get involved in an argument like last night with the sleeping arrangements, and I then think my progress has backslid and I am back to square one.
What is the best thing for me to do before I go home tonight?
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
Puppy, She NOW says it "started to crumble 2-3 years ago". I feel cheated because I now have this clarity of what is important, prioritising resposibilities, my re-affirmed love for my wife etc, but because of the bomb being dropped or (the wake up call) my wife will not give me a chance to implement the lasting changes I have made for myself to the benifit of her and the children. I would have raised the issue 2-3 years ago if I thought there was a problem, why didn't she? she said she had warned me "I would not be here if it wasn't for the children, why don't you buck your ideas up, change your job if you don't like it, why am I having to work all these hours when you should provide more" etc etc. She does not want to do any couselling as she said it will not make any difference as she does not love me any more. I do not think any DR strategies will work as she found the book in my bag and said "what differecnce do you think this will make"?
She does not take any responsibilty for our demise and she wants it all to end as quickly as possible.
Last edited by markhaving probs; 03/16/0910:47 AM.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
Puppy, She NOW says it "started to crumble 2-3 years ago". ... I would have raised the issue 2-3 years ago if I thought there was a problem, why didn't she?
She has re-written your marital history in order to help herself justify what she is doing to you and your family. No R is perfect, but if she had issues serious enough to warrant a D then it was HER responsibility to verbalize them.
No one is a mind reader. We can only address issues we are aware of. Burn this into your head and own it. It is true.
Quote:
She does not take any responsibility for our demise and she wants it all to end as quickly as possible.
This is SOP (Standard Operating Procedure) for the WAW. "Give me what I want and deserve RIGHT NOW"...with no thought or concern for the people in their circles. In my opinion, it is a by-product of our entitlement society. I deserve everything...but I am not willing to work for it.
My advice is to use her desperation for it to end quickly as a tool to get a good deal in the D. If she is eventually willing to work on the R (and you find you are too), then you will have all the time in the world to do so.
Until then...this is business. You are going to have to live with this deal for the rest of your life. You can't control her or her feelings, bu you CAN control the quality of the deal you get now.
H: 38 W: 36 S: 8 S: 5 M: 16 Bomb: 8/25/08 OM: 9/21/08 EA (Possible PA) with co-worker since 5/08 (at least...) Sep: 9/21/08 D Filed 9/23/08 My Situation
You're right, I cannot control her. I've just had a call from her to tell me she had spoken to the housing benefit people who will pay part of the new mortgage she needs to 'go it alone'. She has been asked for a form that states last years total earnings. As she does not have an official job she cannot provide this form, which means she will have trouble getting a mortgage. she was nearly in tears wondering what to do - I did not think for one minute she had thought this through properly (another WAW trait - lack of normal thinking). I should laugh but I think about the children.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
