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DB
I see similarities to my situation. I guess the part of how DBing fits in with more traditional MC is tricky for me as well-I'm not in MC, but couples counseling. Would H go for individual counseling? Is your MC therapist aware of DB ideology?

My H, I think, would have gone even further off the deep end if I had completely distanced and gone dark. What seems to be having small positive effects for me is being friendly, positive and acting "as if" things are going well. Not engaging in discussion fo R/OW or A. For the most part those are triggers for my H's anger(because of his guilt/confusion).

I think focusing on you versus focusing on him can only lead to healthier interactions. Be the best person/partner you know how to be without rescuing/mothering. Validate, actively listen..don't ask alot of him right now..

Your H has to come to some of these realizations(triangle, manipulations of the OW) on his own(or with the MC help)-otherwise those ideas won't stick and he may reject them while blaming you when they don't gel with his changing world view.

What kind of passive agressive behavior?

I'm sure Jack will have some sound advice, after he ponders...


M44 H46 T21 Married 16y
D14 D12
Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09
Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09
Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce
Divorce final 6/30/10.




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more thoughts:

I take back that he is wildly PA. Let's say he is passive. The aggressive part would be that I didn't know anything was wrong before the bomb. He feels like a victim much of the time. Doesn't feel putting effort out is "worth it" in many categories.

Most of the MLC revolves around the career.

Discussing R outside of MC creates distance. There is no "problem oriented" talk outside MC--45 minutes/week.

The public outing created closeness. He has declared those who don't see his situation/feelings as "complicated" are non-friends. So pretty much he has no relationships with anyone!

OW demands is making H realize a "real" relationship with her will "probably" not be what he wants. He still seems to be addicted to the attention "hits."

Normal "as if" we were happily married creates closeness at least in a daily/functional way.

My upgraded look consistently gets his attention.

In MC, H refused to agree that we are married and love each other but he has a girlfriend because that is not what he wants. He wants to be close to me and she will be gone.

He is more disengaged than usual from the kids.

BPretty

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I think if you married someone, then you have made a commitment and vow to them to stand by them thick and thin. (Not talking abuse here, that should not be tolerated)
I do not think that MLC or an affair should be the escape clause in the marriage without giving it your best shot. I don't think MLC should be the the cherry on top of a laundry list of things we don't like about our spouses.

Pretty, I am having a hard time understanding what you wrote...I am sorry.

Quote:

H refused to agree that we are married and love each other but he has a girlfriend because that is not what he wants. He wants to be close to me and she will be gone.


I don't know what you mean.

Right now, you want less roller coaster right? Stop with the expectations, either good or bad from him. It is hard, but the less you expect from him the less his actions affect your calm, your center.

You are doing things for yourself right? Enjoying, hopefully a little, some aspects of your life without him.

The OW is showing him her true colors without any help from you...good for you. Don't attack her verbally, don't mention her, you look better later for that. There might come a day when you both, you and him get to make fun of her together. Let me tell you how awesome that is! : )



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

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JTB-

I feel like I am getting goaded in C to "fix" the M and rescue H from himself. I have ongoing confusion on how to reconcile DB with MC. So the frustration with the dynamic described above caused me to want to clear the air with the obvious "We are married and love each other and H has a girlfriend."

I hate, hate, hate that we are acting "as if" we are reconciling in MC and then H verbally holds on to his "position" and his A.

I know that this is true to the MLC'er experimenting and to DB to believe 1/2 of what they do and none (not much) of what they say. It feels like I'm sticking my head in the sand.

Too much of the time I'm starting to feel like I want to be right instead of being married.

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H traveled W-Friday noon. Texted me about every hour and called every night. Felt very much like our regular "old" life. He was frustrated and angry before he left--about traveling, travel plans, and work.

Came home from airport Friday and had lunch at home. He was loving and apologized for being angry before he left. Said he had to get back to work (local). However, he either went back to work for a short time or not at all and spent the afternoon with OW. I found this out only this morning. She was happy about the visit (when you date an OW in her 20's, she documents her life electronically on a thinks it's private but it's not site-www.D-U-M-B.com)

That night he was exhausted ("traveling"-normal for him) and was loving and needy. He wanted to be touched and rubbed and fell asleep on my lap.

The next day he was loving and attentive and even volunteered ILY. Maybe even a little demanding for my attention.

I discovered the escalation to in-person visiting again this AM but received his loving good-byes as he left again on business for a few days. So I felt like an improvement for me that I didn't demand clarity from him immediately.

I am still so confused how to work with this in MC. I start tearing up as I walk into the office--I absolutely cannot help it. He really needs IC--My IC thinks he wants me with him as he works on his own problems in MC. Doesn't that put me in the ongoing parent role?

My current thoughts are that he has "chosen me" but feels compelled to keep experimenting.

There isn't much to read about the MLC'er that remains in the home, now putting in more effort/emotion than they have for a long time, and continues with the A. The thought of the A escalating again (JTB asked me if I could stand a PA)while I sit by makes me sick to my stomach.

Thanks for reading. I have read just about every word on this website.

BPretty

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So it's been a little over two weeks since I posted.

The in person visit I recently assumed never happened. What an effective lesson to me to not monitor, wonder, snoop, or over analyze every miniscule detail.

MC is in effect H's IC by his choice. I sit quietly.

He seems to be willing and "open" during MC and for a few minutes before we part company. He announced that he hasn't seen OW in person for 5 weeks, has told her that he won't see her (I guess until he "has decided what to do") and that he is getting "hammered on that side" so there is "no enjoyment happening there." I said absolutely nothing when I really wanted to grill him heartily.

He has invited me two places for the weekend. One date is a concert for which he bought tickets almost two months ago and he just invited me three days before the event.

It is incredible, sort of humiliating, and amazing that he is truly like a new "boyfriend" that you can expect nothing from nor make any demands. I believe it intellectually but it still shocks me that the books I have read about MLC have been accurate--it is way more interesting to read about being the spouse of someone in MLC than to actually live with this confusion.

BPretty

PS. If he were my boyfriend, I would dump him.

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So I've been reading and sitting on my hands in order to keep my response to myself. Well I absolutely can't stand it anymore.

Pretty, your husband's personality traits seem to be pretty consistant with someone who finds themselves in this MLC confusion. Of course your ex was always this way, but until now he always had a distraction. We first get married, then we buy a house, have our babies, focus on career. All of these things tend to keep our spouses focused on other things besides their buried discontent with the people THEY are. Inspite of the mistakes that you may have made in your marriage this isn't about you, and it never has been about you. I'm telling you this because if he really wants out it doesn't matter what you change because it will never be enough.

I am not a new poster as my sign up date indicates. I had to rejoin since I couldn't remember any of my old info and I'm writing to you because Braveheart's comments were spot on. No one knows how this feels until they have walked the walk. There are no guarantees with MLC. I don't really understand what your husband is getting out of MC unless he's trying to figure things out. Usually most MLC'rs agree to go to MC to appease us and to make it look as if they tried. However, those appointments don't usually amount to more than a couple under their belts, when They decide that they really aren't working for them. Maybe your ex is the exception here but it shouldn't take too long to figure this out.

Yes, this is a Divorce Busting sight but sadly enough most will not be busted, which is why the best advice we can give is to protect yourself and your children. If this is a true MLC you most likely have a long road ahead. My ex started on his mlc 7 years ago and it is only now that we are starting anykind of remorse at all. The little they give us, to them is HUGE, to us it barely matters once we have healed. These MLC'rs are a different breed. They can walkaway from a spouse, children, family, friends, pets and a life in order to find a piece of themselves that they feel they missed so long ago. Believe me, you could have never been prepared for what you are faced with!

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I believe my privacy on this site has been compromised. I can't seem to PM the moderator. Would someone direct me to deleting the topic or other measures? Thanks.

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Hit "Notify" on your post; I believe that will do the trick.

Peace,
Dawn


Me 45/H 47, no kids
Together since 1985; M/1992
Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001
Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues
H left 11/24/08
minimal contact, no legal action
http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
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