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MLC Friends,
I'm moving to the MLC forum after having been in Piecing for months. I was hoping that my W and I could move forward, but she has resumed her sleeping elsewhere behavior.

I met with my IC yesterday. He says that we're at an impasse. She wants intimacy without making any changes on her part. I try to find ways to make her happy, but it doesn't seem to make a difference. A change I need to make is to be firm about my expectation of being spoken to respectfully. My history is to tolerate her behavior, and carry frustration, and anger inside.

She now is off looking for intimacy, because she believes I'm not capable of it. She told me to return to IC to work on my intimacy issues. She won't accept that there's a relational aspect to it, as well.

I know there are many details that will be shared in future posts or you can review my thread, Turning Arrows into Flowers in the Piecing forum.

It helps to share pain in a community. I'm looking forward to sharing mine, and my efforts to cope and thrive, and help others do the same.

The title of my thread is from an audio podcast, by the author of Radical Acceptance, Tara Brach. It's about accepting that we can't control life, a concept we all understand, but have to work at to internalize.

CL


CL 53 W 54
M 20 yrs.
03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL
10-14' Piecing

"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."

----Tao Te Ching
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Hi CL, just popping over with a "new home card". Sorry peicing didn't work out----yet.
I really am at a loss as to what to say about your wife and situation-hmmmm.
I do know that you are a good man and have fallen over backwards to accomodate and be kind to your wife.
I do think she doesn't deserve you and I know I am not alone in that thinking.
I hope that standing up for yourself and calling her on her behaviour-consistently will have an effect on your relationship.
It may not have the desired effect on your wife but I hope it will empower you to live the life that is waiting for you.
I think that some men may have been able to have the intimacy your wife craves simply out of animal instinct,lust maybe, sort of putting the horse before the cart but understand that that is not you and even if it was would it have helped your problems or made a better marriage?.
Take care.

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Originally Posted By: naej
It may not have the desired effect on your wife but I hope it will empower you to live the life that is waiting for you.


Naej,
Thanks for being neighborly and stopping by. Your posts are like opening a window and letting a fresh breeze clear out my mind and see things more clearly.

Tara Brach in her audio podcast on compassion talks about the distinction betwee wise compassion versus idiot compassion. Wise compassion is holding onto compassion for another person, but acting based on the reality of the situation. Idiot or foolish compassion is holdiing onto our hopes and desires too strongly to the extent it becomes delusional.

My IC talks about losing oneself in the quest to solve marital problems. It's so easy a trap to fall into. It's pursuing a R that is beyond one's control.

I like MWD's question of how would you spend your time, if you weren't thinking about your marital problems? This is an empowering question. Once I cultivate that autonomy, hold onto it for dear life, and don't let any R take it away from you.

You are correct in that I need to put energy into empowering myself, particularly in the social realm. I've historically been out in the world as my W's partner. I've had doubts about myself as a social person, for some reason. This is going to change.

I'm working on cultivating my own connections and friendships in the ballroom dance community. I ventured last night to a monthly ballroom dance at a studio, and had a wonderful time. I want people to get used to me as part of the ballroom dance community. My goal is to get out and practice at a studio, or venue at least 4x per week.

CL


CL 53 W 54
M 20 yrs.
03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL
10-14' Piecing

"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."

----Tao Te Ching
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Have you ever read the Dance of Anger?

It is a wonderful little book that talks about changing the steps of the dance in our relationships.

For example, if you have always sucked it up with your wife's lack of respect towards you, it may be time to do a 180.

What would be a 180 for you?

Piecing is hard hard work.

It can take a good couple of years to be back on track.

(((((hugs)))))


There can be no testimony without a test.
I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
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BND,
That book sounds right on target for me. I've heard of it but had never considered looking at it. I'll check it out.

The sucking it up pattern is something I do need to do a 180 with, but need some guidance. I needed to do a 180 with sucking it up behavior a long time ago, but it's been a stubborn habit.

I'm not sure what a 180 would be. I suppose I need to prepare myself, because I doubt if the distance will continue indefinitely, up to and thru a D. She's got a lot of work to do to prepare for an independent life, and I'm certainly not going to help her with it.

I need to approach this and all my DB efforts with relaxed attentiveness, versus being harried to find a quick fix to right my M.

Thanks for broadening my perspective about the difficulty of getting to and staying with Piecing.

CL

Last edited by Concerned_Listener; 03/08/09 12:47 AM.

CL 53 W 54
M 20 yrs.
03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL
10-14' Piecing

"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."

----Tao Te Ching
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Cl, I wish everything good to start happening to you!
Matilda

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When you say your wife sleeps elsewhere, do you mean in the same house in a different bed, or do you really mean "elsewhere".


There can be no testimony without a test.
I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
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BND,
I mean she sleeps not in the house, but at an undisclosed location. Her pattern is to sleep in the marital bedroom during the week, as she works part-time. I'll see her sometimes briefly on Friday, and won't see her again until Sunday afternoon. This has been the pattern for over a month.

I sleep in the guest bedroom.

This is the second cycle of sleeping elsewhere, not counting the separation, when she lived in Florida for nine months.

CL


CL 53 W 54
M 20 yrs.
03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL
10-14' Piecing

"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."

----Tao Te Ching
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 9,678
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CL,

Honestly I can't go back and read all of your past threads, but can you tell me briefly why you believe you are "piecing" if your wife is still living her own life and not working on the Marriage.


Thanks!


There can be no testimony without a test.
I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 1,778
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BND,
I guess you are referring to my initial post on this thread. I was referring to the fact I've been posting in the Piecing forum, with the goal of getting to a Piecing phase where we were working together on problems. I was posting there because the sleeping elsewhere had stopped (9/08), we had resumed connection, took a vacation together, and things were initially calmer.

Anger returned on her part after she broke her toe in October, and was unable to dance. She was very difficult to live with.

The anger continued into December and January. She told me to return to IC to work on my intimacy issues. We joined a world travel group, because I know travel is important to her. I hired a housecleaner, because I can't keep up with her standards. I put the sheep puppy dog in daycare, because she can't tolerate babysitting him. None of these actions made a difference in moving things forward.

We went dancing together shortly after her sleeping elsewhere had resumed. This was a mistake. My anger came out on the dance floor. We were both embarrassed. We now don't dance together, or do anything public together. The only connection is email and brief conversations when she is home.

I told her afterwards that I was upset about her sleeping elsewhere again. She said that she was entitled to some kindness. We hadn't resumed physical intimacy, and can count on one hand how often we've had sex in the past several years.

This gives you a summary of at least the past several months.

CL


CL 53 W 54
M 20 yrs.
03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL
10-14' Piecing

"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."

----Tao Te Ching
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