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A Message from Michele
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Joined: Jul 2008
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mlh78 Offline OP
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I've been a longtime "lurker" here on these boards and only posted a couple of times. Any advice you guys can offer me, is much appreciated...

I'm pretty sure that my ex-h went through a midlife crisis-like experience which erupted in May 2007 had affair with his assistant (train wreck), left me saying ILYBINILWY, dropped many of his friends, the whole shebang. Our divorce was final in October 2008. I bought a new house on my own and, overall, I have been getting on with my life. I gave up "standing" after the divorce because there seemed to be no point - the divorce was final and I just wanted to be done with all of craziness of the last 2 years.

Now, it seems that my exh is starting to rebuild his previously-discarded friendships, is dating someone new (NOT the AP), but he keeps "popping up" in my life. He doesn't ask me to do anything together or anything like that but he keeps offering to lend me things that I don't ask for (random DVDs, etc.) or he wants to play on my co-rec sports teams that we used to play on together. Stuff that doesn't really make a lot of sense to me.

We had dinner a couple weeks ago to talk (my idea to talk/his idea to do dinner out) about the "rules" of sharing friends. Lasted about 2 hours and we laughed a lot and he kept saying things that were confusing to me ("a coworker of mine is so much like you so I'm sure that's why we get along so well." I didn't push anything.

Over the last few months of him stopping by with mail and chatting, etc. I started to think that we were getting along or whatever and perhaps he was trying to reconnect. But, Saturday, I found out he is dating someone new who is NOT the AP. I got a little sad because in my mind, that is symbolic of him "moving on."

Was I reading too much into everything and he was just trying to lay the groundwork to being "great friends" post-divorce? How do you know when they are reconnecting vs. just trying to assuage their guilt of treating you like a doormat?


Me: 30
H: 31
Together: 8+ years, Married: 4+ years
Bomb: May 2007
Divorce final Oct. 2008
No kids, 1 super-cute yellow lab
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 12
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mlh78 Offline OP
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Well, I think I got my answer... Pretty sure that he is cycling still.

Found out last night from a friend that exh's new girlfriend is his "new" teaching assistant. Yep, same crap as the last 2 years but different girl. The AP he had when we were together was one of his teaching aides at the time and had to be transferred out of his classroom during one of their many falling outs. Even though that relationship fizzled, apparently he's decided that it is perfectly fine to get involved with a teaching assistant that was new to his classroom this school year. There are 2 other aides in his classroom so I'm sure that is a great environment for them to work in...

As soon as I think progress has been made, I'm wrong. Not sure why I'm surprised anymore. Ok, I'm getting back to not getting caught up in his garbage anymore...


Me: 30
H: 31
Together: 8+ years, Married: 4+ years
Bomb: May 2007
Divorce final Oct. 2008
No kids, 1 super-cute yellow lab
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 1,948
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Who knows what he's thinking. Has he often made friends with all the women he's kicked to the curb? If not, I'd say he wants something more. Of course, he doesn't have the sense to not "sh$t where he eats", so why you would want him back I'm not sure. You have no real ties to him, you on your own, might as well just start fresh.


You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
Joined: Jul 2008
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mlh78 Offline OP
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Of course, he doesn't have the sense to not "sh$t where he eats"

I havent heard that phrase in a long time hehehehe

Is he friends with his exes? Yes and no. He's friends with all of his former-gfs that he wasnt very serious with. Hes only had 2 serious relationships (1 was with me). He and the other serious xgf that he dated before he and I ever dated are definitely not friends. Things with her didn't end well at all she was unstable and was kind of a mess, actually. They dated off/on for about a year.

Despite all of my "I don't need him" rants to myself/friends/family, deep down, I think I have been hoping for a turnaround in our situation. Ive had naive daydreams that we'd be the "couple that defied the odds and found our way back to each other."

Which is super weird, considering I don't know why I'd even want to reconcile with him. He isnt the person I fell in love with and he actually disgusts me because I know so much of what hes been up to this whole time Perhaps its just a habit that I need to break. ;-)


Me: 30
H: 31
Together: 8+ years, Married: 4+ years
Bomb: May 2007
Divorce final Oct. 2008
No kids, 1 super-cute yellow lab
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 1,652
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Unfortunately I can relate all too well. Some days I think XW is bipolar, that's the only thing that would explain most of this.
Some days XW is very thankful talkative, some days it's like you can just feel the "sharp objects" floating in her voice. No idea why.

I also look and just see a shell of a person I fell in love with. Some times I just have to shake my head and say, "what happened"? As much as I would like to see things go back to where they once were, I see the large "canyon" and think, that would be a bear to overcome. I guess I can't say never, but I don't know if even I would have the guts to take this on.

Sorry, no words of inspiration, just letting you know that your not alone. Keep your wits about you, do what is best, take the higher ground.


Moderated by  Virginia 

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