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I did. I moved on Wednesday. It's a calming mood. I finally had to quit lying to myself as to why I felt it was so necessary to stay in the area. I kept saying it was about being with my children more, but I figured out it was about staying near XW so she could 'use' me more. I've finally broken free of the self-imposed mental shackles and it feels good. Everyone kept telling me it was as simple as making a decision and I just couldn't see it and I wouldn't do it out of fear. Amazingly, it was aa simple as making a decision to allow me to let go of my sick attachment to XW and there has been NO level of sadness or hurt. I attribute the lack of negative feelings now to the fact that I'd gone through so much pain and emotional trauma over 3+ years pursuing XW. It is what it is. I've finally let to emotionally and divorced her on my terms, and I'm emotionally free.


Letting Go Tom; JUST DO IT!
previously hopeful_husband

my A: Fall 05
W found out: Feb 06; separated immediately
W pursued D, final 7/11/07

me: 43
XW: 34
D8
S3
joint legal/physical custody
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Posts: 212
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JOURNALING:

My recent move to my brother's house was good for me, in that I don't have any unspoken expectations of me that were only causing me needless grief.

Today, I went back to pick up more stuff from where XW's house, the last of it. When I got there, XW took the opporotunity to leave and do some stuff. I no longer listen to what she says she's gonna do because I've found that since we split she is a very adept liar, so...whatever she says she's going to do I just focus on spending time with my children.

Tonight, she went to work and the entire premise of me sticking around was so she could go in to work and she would be back at the 2 hour mark. Sh returned a little over 4 hours later, which was not so much a problem, but the fact that she was that late shows me again that she has no respect for me and my time. What's nice now, though, is that she no longer has a hold on me. I truly let go on April 23, and have had today is the 11th straight of happiness I've enjoyed. Things are moving along for me emotionally, so I have to get my a-- in gear and change my circumstances.


Letting Go Tom; JUST DO IT!
previously hopeful_husband

my A: Fall 05
W found out: Feb 06; separated immediately
W pursued D, final 7/11/07

me: 43
XW: 34
D8
S3
joint legal/physical custody
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 328
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Tom, you did the right thing and I am sorry if it is difficult. You are so good with and for your kids. I don't know you, really, but your goodness shines through.

Focus on the job search. Try to make good differences for your brother. We need him to like you living there. Start a garden! I am garden obsessed and I want all of my friends to be as well.

No matter what, know that an oldish goofy girl in Wisconsin appreciates you very much.

Love,
Flicka

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Flicka my love,

Thank you so much for your kindness now and all along my sitch. You have been such an anchor for me emotionally and a compass for pointing myself in the right direction. Thank you. You've helped me more than you can possibly imagine in getting unstuck and moving forward alone in my life. Strangely, the key for me was as simple as making a decision and behaving in accordance with that decision. My feelings quickly matched my behavior, and I am now free of my emotional bondage to XW. I also realize, with the help and encouragement of so many here (frank_D, Phoenixdeux, you, Amy C and countless others, that I absolutely needed to climb that mountain of letting go no matter how I feared doing so. I did the work to climb to the top and reach the cliff edge from which I needed to plunge my old, stuck self and give re-birth to the self that existed before my 'sitch.' I made the leap on TH April 23.

I got pissed at myself that, once again, I allowed my feelings for XW to override what I wanted to do. XW has been a picture of consistency in behaving as a woman that I would be unhappy with WHEN she finally comes around and asks to be given the opportunity to work on reconciling. I vividly remember telling myself, "I don't give a sh!t (about what XW would think). I don't give a <bleep> about what she'd think or feel. I want to be with D8 & S3, and this is a perfect opportunity to take care of me and my children, so I made the decision to go and went. That moment of clarity was my moment of emotionally divorcing XW. Now, we had congruency in being actually divorced and emotionally divorced. To top it all off, XW feels the shift in me. As it stands right now, I'm not interested in reconciling with her at all. It's going to be a sad day WHEN she comes to me wanting to reconcile. I told her this would happen, and it will. I also told XW that I wouldn't be emotionally available for that. She's done enough purposeful, pointed hurting of 3+ years. I will be respectful and I will show her grace, but in my heart of hearts, I don't think I'd be open to working on reconciling after all of the concerted she put into lashing out. We'll see, but I know my pattern...and that pattern is that I'm not likely to reconsider a decision I've made about ending a romantic relationship. We'll see. I do know that her ability to run from reality and dealing with her issues is more than my ability to pursue her any more.

'Til next time.

I will be a good house guest for my brother. No garden, though. ;\)

Last edited by still hopeful; 05/05/09 01:07 AM.

Letting Go Tom; JUST DO IT!
previously hopeful_husband

my A: Fall 05
W found out: Feb 06; separated immediately
W pursued D, final 7/11/07

me: 43
XW: 34
D8
S3
joint legal/physical custody
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 4,035
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SH:

Quote:

Scarcity mentality is a state of seeing everything in your life as limited and scarce. It makes you hang onto a bad relationship, bad job, etc., because a bad one is better than none at all, where an abundance mentality is a state of seeing everything as a journey to better and better things, knowing that you can create your opportunities and do what is necessary to reach your goals.

Take two people, one with a scarcity mentality and one with an abundance mentality, and give them ten thousand dollars. The one with scarcity mentality will live in fear of losing his money, and will most likely spend it on things that bring him no real value rather than risk losing it, or will never spend it and enjoy it because he's too busy keeping his options open to ever exercise one of them.

However, the one with the abundance mentality will see the opportunities that cash presents, and use it to make even more money, and will reach financial independence if he is diligent in the conduct of his business, or if someone manages to steal it from him or his market takes an unexpected turn against him, he will say, "Wow! Now I know how to do this right, and can protect myself from it next time. I'm going to raise capital and try it again!"

A lesser man might make it that far, but when faced with failure, have scarcity sneak in on him and cause him to decide, "Well, I'm just not cut out for this, and any business I start is going to fail, so I'm just going to not bother trying again."

That same thing happens in relationships. People take responsibility, have a great relationship for a while, things go sour for some unexpected reason, and in a fit of emotional weakness, they say, "Well, I had the wool pulled over my eyes, and relationships aren't worth it after all," instead of just acknowledging the reality that either they made a mistake or their partner did, or maybe even both of them, and sitting down to discuss it and making repairs to the relationship or exiting to find a better one.

Personal responsibility coincides with abundance mentality, and a lack of personal responsibility coincides with scarcity mentality. It's consistent, but is there a single cause-and-effect relationship, or does the door swing both ways, meaning, will taking personal responsibility induce an abundance mentality and will an abundance mentality also induce personal responsibility?



SH....have a look at that book? No More Mr. Nice Guy? FIB


Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11)
Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t
Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10
Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
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Hello all,

I haven't been posting much lately because of the fact that I've finally put to use the advice of so many on this board, which is to let go of my marriage that's ended, let go of my XW who is my EX, not my wife, let go of my need to feel in control of my situation in which I've never been in control and to concentrate on myself and getting my life in order for me and my children. I'm doing that. Putting one foot in front of the other in an arena in which I have complete control over one aspect, which is my input or effort.

I never knew how easy my life would become once I took the step I feared most, which was letting go. I feared it most because I didn't want to lose someone who had already divorced me (strange as that my sound), despite the fact that I already knew logically what the likely end result would be. Well, on April 23, I made that leap of faith. A good friend of mine told me,
Quote:
It's not the letting go that's painful. It's the holding on.
That has certainly turned out to be true for me. I don't know what the future holds for me. I do know this though, letting go has given me a whole new perspective on the my life and my place in the world.

Thank you to frank_D for your friendship and time. I hope we will talk again soon.

Thank you to Phoenixdeux for your lucid and encouraging direction.

Thank you to faithisbelieving for your kindness and insight into who I AM & your thoughts on what patterns I need to shed.

FIB, I'm making good progress into the light of the abundance mentality. I look forward to reading No More Mr. Nice Guy soon.


Letting Go Tom; JUST DO IT!
previously hopeful_husband

my A: Fall 05
W found out: Feb 06; separated immediately
W pursued D, final 7/11/07

me: 43
XW: 34
D8
S3
joint legal/physical custody
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 4,035
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SH....after being here for so long, all I can say is that it seems that those that reconcile or make it to piecing, are those that let go of the rope, 'say goodbye', and move on with their life.

Pursuit....seems to never work. Use this time now FOR U. And...I agree...holding on to someone who is in love with someone else....is a killer. Letting go is hardwork as well.

FIB


Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11)
Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t
Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10
Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 212
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FIB,

Thank you for chiming in again. Hey, I'm not sure if I misstated my sitch somewhere along the way, but I may have led my fellow posters here to believe that XW is 'in love' with DH#5. She may be, but I don't believe she is. More importantly, I've let go and don't really care. I am working to sort out my life and I'm using this time for ME.

I will say that holding on to XW, who didn't want to be with me, was a killer, but I have no one to blame for that but myself. It's strange how I finally had an epiphany on April 23rd after XW paraded DH#5 in front of me twice. In all honesty, I believe that DH#5 likes men, but that's neither here nor there. I just got disgusted with myself for living my life FOR someone else, and making decisions for myself based on what someone else might think or feel about it. Once I made the decision, dealing with the aftermath has been easy. I've seen her three times since then and talked with her on the phone a couple of times for a couple of minutes, but the 'pull' is gone. I'm free of my self-imposed spell for her. I'm moving forward. I'm not holding onto my R with XW. I see that I'm in control of ALL of my life, including my love life. In the less than 3 weeks since I let go, I've had more interest in me from women than I ever imagined I'd have. It's a bit bizarre, but it's nice.

At this point, I don't even think about whether or not XW will come back around. I assume she will not, but in my heart of hearts I know she will. At that point (and as I feel right now), I will tell her that I love her, I'll thank her for our children, thank her for our time together and tell her, "No thank you." I really have let get and feel as I said I'd feel all along when I got to this point: DONE.

Thank you, my brother. I'll keep you posted.


Letting Go Tom; JUST DO IT!
previously hopeful_husband

my A: Fall 05
W found out: Feb 06; separated immediately
W pursued D, final 7/11/07

me: 43
XW: 34
D8
S3
joint legal/physical custody
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 4,035
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Joined: Jul 2006
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Wishing you G-dspeed. Just ....live. As a physician, I see death frequently. I see the tears in the family's eyes. Life...is for living.

You'll be fine. Abundance mentality vs scarcity. The choice is clear.

Rock on.
FIB


Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11)
Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t
Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10
Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 212
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Posts: 212
Thank you again, faithisbelieving.

I enjoy our few communications very much. You are a very compassionate and wise man and I appreciate you taking the time with me offering your counsel when you do.

I am certainly working on living. Right now I have a small number of challenges to tackle, and although they are small in number, they are big in nature. Working my way through to the other side of my sitch with XW is certainly helping, but even that is a new beginning and I'm learning to focus on behaviors that will serve me well in MY life as I move forward.

One challenge with regard to XW is distancing myself from her toxic, not-so-nice behavior towards me. I ran into it a bit this weekend, and since I refuse to engage in a fight with here, I was able to avoid it all and let it pass. Sadly, the memory of similar BS made me anxious and sad. I know I'll get better at deflecting this kind of stuff as a continue to personally grow and emotionally distance myself from her. I'm doing it, but it's still a lingering annoyance.

I will be fine. Actually, I know I'll be better than fine. I loosed the chains on myself that I had placed on my during my sitch. I feel free. I am free. Without knowing any more about the abundance mentality vs. scarcity, my choice is clear; I choose abundance and happiness. I choose to rock on.

Thank you, FIB
Tom


Letting Go Tom; JUST DO IT!
previously hopeful_husband

my A: Fall 05
W found out: Feb 06; separated immediately
W pursued D, final 7/11/07

me: 43
XW: 34
D8
S3
joint legal/physical custody
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