I am posting on the newcomers board, but there are so many I could be in. I am also not a newcomer and have been floating around the board for over a year. I didn't keep up with my original posts since it appears that my situation is so screwed up that most people found it boring...lol. I am not going to thread to them, but I am sure if you are all interested you can find them through my profile.
The basic story is that we have been married for 10.5 years. A year ago my wife admitted to be having an affair with her girlfriend and that she resented me for so much and no longer loved me. I am sure most of you are all to familiar with that discussion because we have all basically had it. So over the last year I still hoped for the marriage and didn't truly detach from her emotionally. I did a ton of 180's from rebuilding my relationship with our children to getting in the best physical shape I have been in since college.
Our relationship is weird in that we fight rarely. Probably on an average of less than once a month even through all of this. Lately things have gotten a little tense. I lost my job two weeks before Christmas and my wife was a stay at home mom. We have always struggled financially since my wife quit her career and this is one of her areas of strong resentment. So in my field there is no options for work, so we discussed and decided to open my company. With that comes all the stress of starting a new business and of course no cash flow. So twice this week I had major backslides. My wife was not home, on her usually weekend away with her girlfriend, and the stress of trying support the house by myself just came to a head. I talked with a friend then called my wife to which I got a rude "now is not the time for me to talk". So the next day she returned to watch the kids while I went to work. Prior to leaving for work she approached me to discuss what was wrong. I told her I was lonely and the stress of starting a new business, horrible finances, and taking care of house by myself was killing me. She cried, said I was her best friend in the world, but she didn't love me and didn't know what to do. It was killing her to know that she was hurting me. So I went out to work (another current resentment since me working on the weekend is reducing her play time with others on the weekends) and when I returned (11:00 PM) she ran out the door without hardly saying good bye and didn't return to around six the next day. All of this in a manner of this is usual and okay.
So as we entered this week, the end of month finances started coming up and it is apparent that my severance and savings are basically gone as well as the tax returns. My business is going good, but of course there is that lag between getting work and getting paid for completed work which is were my business now stands. So yesterday as she was complaining about finances (remind you that though she does do some work from home, it is very little cash and over half goes to partying with her girlfriend) I noticed she was spending all day on yahoo and facebook talking to people who I don't feel have our marriage in their best interest. More than likely telling her that she needs to leave because she is so unhappy. So I then had a major backslide and confronted her for using facebook "as your new place to look for single people". So we had a major blow out were she was royally pissed and basically said she didn't want to be here, felt trapped, hated me for noticing she spent the whole day on facebook, so forth and so on. So after that I took a walk with the kids and when we got home she ran out the door to her girlfriends for the evening.
To give you an idea of how my week usually revolves, I do all the house work except for finances (this has been going on like that for over a year). My wife basically says that she doesn't care about a clean house and is is sick of fighting and doing it all herself. My wife is usually with her girlfriend from Friday afternoon (leaves shortly after the kids get home from school)until Sunday late afternoon/early evening. Then she is usually at her girlfriends two more nights during the week. The spend a lot of time bar hopping and living the "couple without kids life". Usually when I want to do something myself it turns rather heated and so I basically have given up doing things alone and have tried to find things to do that involve my children. Even in that I feel weird because other couples eventually start wondering where my wife is and why do I do everything around the house.
So with that I have started to build a pretty good resentment towards her, especially regarding our children. For the most part she does nothing with our son (from homework to bathing...nothing) who suffers from severe A.D.D. She does cuddle with our daughter and they do have a better relationship than that with my son, but it is even missing something. Recently she started a family training community project to run a 5K run. Instead of bringing our children to do it, she is doing it with her girlfriends kids because the GF has nobody to do it with her and her kids. I was so WTF!!!! My wife stated our kids probably wouldn't want to do it and would just complain. She never even asked them!
So my synopsis; 1-My wife has been having an affair for over a two years (I have known for one) 2-She has basically abandoned the family and all family duties to me. 3-She doesn't want to be here at all (finally after a year I am finally truly hearing that one....dumbass me). 4-She spend many hours out partying in the bar scene with her girlfriend flirting with other women and men. 5-I am her best friend, but she doesn't love me any more (the list is long and filled with so much resentment).
So where I am is that I know it is time for me to drop the rope and truly detach emotionally from her. Even if it is just an attempt to save our friendship so we can co-parent constructively going forward. I have basically given up on the marriage. I feel that some of my 180's have been extremely enabling. When I went dark she did come running back, but she has since given me the impression that somebody is just telling her that is a tactic to get her back and that it some sort of reverse guilt trip thing on my part (she has a lot of divorced friends who are telling her to get out and enjoy the good life).
I deserve more than this (as we all do) and I need help detaching. It has been hard because she is home (we still share the same bed...very limited sex) and we tend to get along very well.