I started dating my wife back in 8th grade (13) for me and 7th grade (12) for her and have really been with each other ever since. We broke up a couple of times in Jr High but stayed together all through High School and College, and then once we graduated in 1995 we got married that summer at 23/22 years old. We had a great love and since we grew up together and knew everything about one another we never had that courtship or falling in love as adults. I guess that can be viewed in two ways, I tend to look at it positively, but I can see the negative as well.
We had our first child 3 years later and then our last child 3 years after that. All of our friends and family thought we had the perfect marriage. I have/had a terrible temper through the years and I would say terrible things to her out of anger but was never, ever physical, but the things I would say were not good. I also took her for granted thinking she would always be there and really just looked at things on the surface and not deep as I should have. Through the years, especially now that I think back, the last 4 years, she would always tell me that I don't know what I am doing to her after a fight and me being emotionally absent or mean but I didn't listen and I guess I would attribute that to heat of the moment and her saying things out of madness same as me. Boy how I wish I would have listened.
I mentioned 4 years ago because she said that she really saw a change in me since that time and that was when I lost my mother to cancer. I think I really withdrew even more once she died. W now tells me that every time I would be mean or emotionally absent she would convince herself that she didn't need to be hurt and that she didn't need those things that I was not providing because I was good to her most of the time and was a great father, ect. I guess over time she really did shut down her feelings for me.
Another major issue we have is she is from a very wealthy close knit, really enmeshed family. I work for the company business and we they know EVERYTHING about our lives and hold money over our head to get us to do what they want. We have to baby my mother-in-law and tell them everything we do. My wife is SO RESENTFUL of this and feels trapped by them and held hostage by them. We have been blessed financially and not had to really set goals as a couple to get things in life that most couples do and I really believe that has been a big detriment to our family and relationship.
We had a 22 yo kid come into our lives as a babysitter from my kid's school. He became very close to the kids, me, my wife and did everything with us. We took him under our wing and I was trying to be a friend and sudo father figure to him and teach him things. Not realizing that W and I were having problems because I was living on the surface and really emotionally absent I allowed this guy into our lives and my W started having an EA. To make matters worse, we gave the guy a job at our business. I finally started noticing things back in 5/08 and confronted W and she would always deny and I would back off believing her and not wanting to ruin her friendship and MY friendship. Little things would keep popping up and I would get mad and confront and she would back me down. I did this maybe 4 times before 10/08 and that is when I said no more having him around. Her sister also confronted her about him and she denied it to her as well and said that I knew they were friends and never suspected anything (which was a lie) and I was ok with him being around. After I ended it, she became more and more absent to me and finally on 11/22/08 we ML for the last time after always being together at least 2-3x per week. Wow that has been a big blow to me - 13 weeks and counting
She told me on 11/29/08 that things were not working out and she didn't know if she wanted to be married anymore. Things got progressively worse and boiled over in Colorado on vacation in Jan. Once back home she was totally distant, didn't talk and was making life miserable. I wasn't helping either by being mad, confused, ect. In Jan, OM took my car to another city since it was a company car and I took his truck for the weekend. I searched the truck and found 3 love cards W wrote him and I flipped out. I finally started looking at phone records and saw she was still texting him almost 1000x in one month over jan-feb. Once I saw that and the texts I confronted him in my office and told him to stay away from my wife and family and never call or text her anymore. Told him that I have the cards and know what was going on. They both deny any physical involvement and at times I believe it and other times I think it is bs. After that she made me move out of the house. After confronting OM, my father-in-law was very mad at me for doing this and sister too. She called me and asked why and I said it was because they had been texting 1000 times in one month. Big Mistake. Her parents find out and they come crashing down on her and take everything away from her monetarily and pretty much cant stand her for EA.
Once this crashed down on her she comes back to me and of course I am there and run right back home thinking this is the breakthrough that I have been hoping and praying for. This lasted all of three days and then she went right back to distance, not wearing wedding ring, telling me she doesn't know and too much has happened for us to be together. She loves me just doesn't have romantic feelings anymore for me.
Now today, we had another major setback and I blew up and said I can't live in this lifeless home anymore and left. I now wish that I would not have done this. I don't think she will let me back now since we are back to where we were before the crash with her parents over the EA. She now knows that I let them in on the information and she feels betrayed by me, which is ironic because of what she did, but I do know that I should have never let that out.
I just bought the DB book online after reading alot of posts on here and want to implement the necessary changes in my life to win her back. I know that I rambled on during my story and I am sure that I left a lot out, but I truly love her and have received my wakeup call and am ready and willing to do anything to make our marriage work. I have made God #1 in my life again because I was neglecting him as well. I am losing weight (30#) already and working on more.
I just need advice and support on how to handle things from here on out. All help is definitely appreciated!!!!
update - Forgot a few things. She has surrounded herself with friends who are divorced and/or having major troubles. I really believe they are influencing her. Also her C is the one that recommended us to unofficially separate the first time for 8-12 weeks with regular visits to the kids and have a date night once per week. I really believe her C is influencing her also to give up. I am surrounding myself with pro-marriage people (C and minister) and she doesn't want to talk to them???
I have been very weak and stupid by being clingy, upset, pouting, begging, you name it and guess what - it hasn't worked. I am now trying the other extreme now that I am out of the house and that is NC except to see the kids. I just don't know how to handle it.
Right now I think that the best thing to do is step back and take some time to think, and get yourself focused. Take some space for yourself and evaluate what you want.
You are in a wonderful place, although its for a crappy reason! There are many people here with good advice, and will provide wonderful support. Read post, take in the information you will get here, it will help, it will help to hear from people who know what you are going through. And keep posting...it helps!
Me - 44 H - 44 M - 19yrs together - 23yrs D16 S8 EA/PA - Bomb Oct20/06 Jan 8/07 Feb 01/07 Jul 15/07 H still @ home Recovered!
Thanks for the comments Limbo, I am trying to give her the space she wants, I just can't stop thinking about her. It is affecting my work, I can't sleep, it is just so draining! And I know what I want, I want my family back, my wife back! and I am willing to do anything to make that happen. What I haven't done is pull back and not be so clingy, so I want to explore that option and see if any improvement comes. Thanks for the advice and support - I NEED IT!!!
First I will say welcome. This is a wonderful place to be.
Next I want you to find Smartcookies thread here in newcomers. It's title has goodbyes in it. Read it. In one midlength post she describes what so many women feel that their H's never seem to hear. Read it and reread it and reread it again. It will help you to see what she has been trying to tell you for years.
This did not happen overnight and it will not be corrected overnight. You have to remember that. Just calm yourself. Limbo has some good advice. You will find tons of help and support here.
If you focus on the past, you ruin the future. You can only live for today.
I went home today to gather a few more things and went to her bedside table to get a few cards that I had given her because I didn't want her to throw them away while I was gone. I noticed a phone charger that doesn't belong to any of our phones plugged in by her bed. VDay weekend, I heard her talking to someone upstairs in "her" room and our phones were both charging downstairs. So I knocked and went in and we talked, she acted very weird and nervous but I never said anything. I left and came back 10 minutes later to kiss D goodnight and heard her again. This time I went in and asked who are you talking to? She got mad and said noone, i was hearing things. I should have turned on the light and confronted her right there, but I backed down.
My question is, should I confront now or just let it go? One of her big issues is personal freedom. She says that she has nothing to hide and she is an open book, I can look at phone records, ect. But if she has another phone and LYING about it, she does have something to hide.
Also, OM told me that he is looking for another job and I see on computer that she is helping him. Made him a resume and has her as #1 referral????
My question is, should I confront now or just let it go? One of her big issues is personal freedom. She says that she has nothing to hide and she is an open book, I can look at phone records, ect. But if she has another phone and LYING about it, she does have something to hide.
I'd say she's almost certainly cheating on you. I would check her phone records...cheaters aren't that sneaky once you put your mind towards learning the truth.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
If she got a second phone that she's hiding from you, she's definitely cheating on you. Think about it. Why else would someone pay for a second cell phone unless they had something to hide?
That's how I got proof of my W's A. It took me no more than a couple minutes of looking at her cell phone bill to realize that something funny was going on. I confronted her immediately and she confessed to the A. This was after months of her denying there was an OM and calling me paranoid and crazy for thinking that. My W also said things like "I'm an open book" and "I'm being 100% honest with you" over and over again while she was cheating.
You should confront her, but first you'll need proof of the A. Otherwise she'll just deny, deny, deny. There may be no better example of the power of denial than someone denying an A to their spouse.
Me: 33 WAW/MLC: 33 M: 4+, T: 10+ Separated: Nov 08 A#1: Oct 08 - Jan 09 (exposed and ended) A#2: Feb 09 - ? 1: http://tinyurl.com/mrmistakes 2: http://tinyurl.com/ckch9t 3: http://tinyurl.com/stillwaters3
Oh I have proof of the EA, I found love notes, 1000+ texts and she admits to having too close of a friendship with the OM, never called it an affair, but that's exactly what it is. Confronted OM also, both deny PA, although I am not sure that I buy that one either anymore. Especially after all of the other little lies. I just need to know what I need to do about this second phone. I know she has one, but no physical proof other than the new phone charger next to bed for a phone that neither one of us has. I have been trying to be strong and not call her but it is soooo hard!
update: Just left the house. Wasn't good! I did confront her about the phone and of course she denied it. The charger was gone when I got home and asked her about it and says that I am paranoid and it will never work between us because I am so paranoid. I am so mad right now. She is unwilling to budge on this and it is frustrating me so bad! I told her today that I am not going to talk about R with her anymore unless we are in MC. Very confused. I love her and want to work things out, but she is so distant and absent and mean. It is making it so hard right now.
