B ill's thread

[Phoenixdeux]

Bill, here's your thread, now you can write on it.

I guess here is as good aplace as any?
My wife of 18 years told me she was leaving me that she "was done" and after 5 days was out of the house leaving me and our two children (12 and 8 both girls) in the house as she went to stay in an aquantaince's basement? She admitted to a recent affair tha t "just happened" and that she wanted a divorce. The night she told me she thought I would throw her out of the house but I kept my cool and said i understood we have been out of touch for quite some time (months at least) I suffer frm depression and was in the deepest I has ever been in at the time. I immediately tried to FIX the situation to no avail of course asI NOW know. She has stayed away except she needs me to fix her car, snow tires, gas and occasional cash??? She is my wife and i cannot leave her destitute or am I an ass? we also have a 23 year old daughter (by HER first marriage whom she eft from physical abuse) who detests her behavior ad is very eestranged from her and refuses any relationship with a narcissistic person who is NOT my mother!! i might add here that my WAW read The Secret and saw the dvd AND FELL IN LOVE WITH IT AND ITS PRINCIPLES. She has detached from ALL of us and is conciously keeping her body language and thoughts in control. Not even interested in coming home but wants to do WHAT she wants WHEN she wants with WHO she wants. I am devastated that she NEVER said a word until she said she was leaving. We made love and did things with the kids all up until the day. Do I have a chance? I have backed of somewhat and let her in the house to see the kids and occasionally we eat together but itis torture for me.... I know this is lng but any patient reader with some advice will help me keep going through this insane and unbelievable experiance. My kids are doing better than me as my eight year old said mommy cant ruin our family my 12 year old KNOWS everything and is NOT giving her any time of day. She thinks it is a deal breaker althouh I know the circumstances better of course and tell her o marriage is sacred we both were christians until the secret . Enough for now? There is more.....

[Phoenixdeux]

And here's my response.

First off, you need to abandon the desperation. It's really unattractive. You also have to abandon the urge to rescue her. If she needs help, she doesn't have to look your way. I'm not saying be mean about it, just not always available.

Make yourself financially independent. No shared accounts. No shared credit cards. Cancel any joint ones. She's not above driving you financially into the ground.

Don't discuss the relationship with her unless she brings it up. You listen and try to understand where she's coming from. No more promises that everything will be better. No more promises to change. If there are things to change, then start doing it, but don't tell her how you are doing it now.

Get out of the mindset that your world is going to come to a halt without her. Yes, it sucks. But she won't be interested in a groveling guy. She's not interested in flowers and gifts and empty promises. Be strong. Be calm. Be collected. Do not let her see that this is crushing you. Keep that to yourself.

Start focusing on improving your life. Rediscover old hobbies or find new ones. Be your best at work. Keep the house clean. Be good to your kids. Anything to keep the focus on yourself and off of your relationship.