Last year about this time I began posting on this board hoping to reconcile with W who was having an A. It didn't work. I moved on and entered into a new R before the D was final. This was probably too soon for me to be getting into an R, but the new GF was amazing. In fact she is the most amazing GF I've ever had. We're talking of rearranging our lives to be together. She is doing ex-pat work in a different country for a few months and plans to move to a nearby city when she is done. She wants me to move there with her. Right now this is my plan.
Soon after my D last year, XW starts to talk of reconciling. This hurts me so much, because for the longest time it's what I wanted more than anything. I tell her it's not likely but I also tell her of my conflicting feelings towards it. This went on for months and I convince her there is no chance for us to be together again. However, I can't convince myself. A few weeks back I became overwhelmed and stopped by XW's place to tell her that I still had feelings. I never came right out and admitted these feelings to GF until just recently either, so we decided it would be best to take a break.
During this break I began talking to XW about how we could work out our issues. We also went on several dates. These were all awkward times. I could feel all the progress I felt I'd made growing from the D experience regressing back to the discontent I felt in the M. To put it shortly. The relief I thought I would feel from working things out with XW was not there. I felt hopeless and uncomfortable with XW. I also felt like she did a complete 180 once I told her I was interested in working things out. I feel she is not taking this seriously, I have just broken up with an amazing girl to give the woman who cheated on and D'd me another chance. Instead of being grateful I took these steps, she's back up and saying "Well now I don't know if I want you, let me figure it out." I can understand that to a point, but all the feelings she was expressing and nice things she was saying about me while trying to get me back have almost completely stopped. It's like I gave her power to hurt me again and she's knows this and is using it against me. She seemes to have returned to the person I resented during the D process all over again. WTF?
Right now I'm so confused. I called GF and told her about what happened, and bless her heart, she was understanding and forgiving. She told me it's something that was healthy for me to get out of my system, and she was glad I made an effort to cope with those feelings. She is more gaurded around me now, but says she is grateful I was honest with her, and if things work out, she respects me that much more for admitting how I felt.
I still feel like I have no idea what to do. Going back to XW would open so many wounds and be a very difficult healing process, but I'd get most of the life I am familiar with back. Staying the course with GF opens all sorts of new doors, and so far this R is the best I've ever had. But we've spent months apart and if I rearrange my life (sell house, move to new city, quit job) for something that doesn't pan out... well then I'll wish at that point that I'd worked on things with XW.
I don't expect anyone to have an answer for me about what to do here, but support and advice would be very appreciated.
From your sig, looks like you and I are on the same schedule. I had bomb in 10/07, found out about A in 1/08, D by 10/08 - no kids.
All I can do is offer an opinion based on my own experience. People who love each other and want to be with each other find ways to make it work. If your XW wanted to be with you, she'd be bending over backwards to make it work right now. She's not. All she's done is tested the waters to see if she still can string you along or not. It's a power thing and I don't know why this seems to be so common, but it is. I don't know how things played out for you, but I assume you tried to make the M work and I assume your XW didn't want that. So why on earth would you go back to someone who didn't want to be with you?! Especially one who would lie and cheat.
Don't get me wrong, I would have really liked to make things work too, and ended up letting my XW walk all over me like the doormat I was. Well, eventually I realized that I deserve more respect than that and I think you do too. It's hard when you read DB because it gives you so much hope, but at some point you need to face the reality that it's over and start standing up for yourself again.
Originally Posted By: Abetterman
I still feel like I have no idea what to do. Going back to XW would open so many wounds and be a very difficult healing process, but I'd get most of the life I am familiar with back. Staying the course with GF opens all sorts of new doors, and so far this R is the best I've ever had. But we've spent months apart and if I rearrange my life (sell house, move to new city, quit job) for something that doesn't pan out... well then I'll wish at that point that I'd worked on things with XW.
That says everything you need to know. You'd be willing to go back to XW because you're still trusting in the DB message of reconciliation, but have forgotten that the WAS is the one who needs to do the work. And why - so you can regain a life you're familiar with? That's a pretty poor reason, IMO. If your new R is the best you've ever had, then why aren't you pursuing it? What would you have done if this had all happened before you met and married your XW?
But, it sounds to me like you don't know yourself well enough to know what you want. You can't rely on a R to make your life into something - you have to do that yourself.
So what do you want out of life? What are your goals for yourself? Where do you see yourself in 5 years, excluding relationships?
I understand your desire for wanting to get back with your exW. HOWEVER, I think you need to set healthy boundaries.
Do NOT allow her in the "back door." IF (big if) she really loves you, she will realize the damage she has done. She will be more than willing to go slow. She will be more than willing to go to IC for a while and then MC.... If she is not willing to do work to repair the severe damage she has done, she is not worth your time.
I pray you find all the best.
Take Care,
RMG
"The bad things in life open your eyes to the good things you weren't paying attention to before." from "Good Will Hunting"
Thanks for the feedback. Our timeline is strangly in-sync. My D was even final in late October too, but I don't remember the day.
You say this situation seems obvious, keep moving on with my life, this ship has sailed. I completely agree, why would I want to invite that sadness back into my life? It's not fair for me to compare my XW to my GF, so I try not to. Unfortunately, I arrived at the decision to 'try' with my XW again bacause of this mindset. After thinking about it for months, I came to the conclusion that if my GF wasn't in the picture, I'd be trying to work things out with XW. That's all it took for me to re-evalute everything, and think it would be fair to give XW a chance.
I should really just be getting some space and time to figure out what it is I want out of life though. It's funny you ask the questions at the end of the message... "What do you want out of life? What are your goals for yourself? Where do you see yourself in 5 years?" Funny thing is, I don't really have solid answers to those questions. These must be the kinds of thing you figure out on your own.
What do I want out of life? Probably too much! Exactly what I do with my life is not something I can envision right now, but as I lay on my deathbed, I want to feel as though I led a fulfilling life. Life with my XW wouldn't have given me that, the way it was going.
Goals come in all shapes and sizes, but I think mine are in line with most peoples'. Have a happy healthy family, success in my career, travel the world, and do what I can to be charitable. These are probably more likely to happen with my GF. She is a doctor doing charity work in a foreign country. Our values seem to align well so far.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? Hopefully not regretting any of the decisions I'd made over the last 5 years =) Seriously, it's a hazy picture, I'm not sure. Probably in a different city with a completely different life. It's what I want and am fearful of at the same time... the uncertainty of starting over again.
XW has given me the opportunity to go back to what I had, but when I am honest with myself I know my old life not really what I want. Who's to say I'm not deluding myself into believing that moving away and starting over won't lead to the same conclusion.
What sucks about this whole thing is that with the D behind me and life moving forward, I'm still being affected by it. All the emotion disappeared for a long welcome time, but has come back with the re-emergence of XW.
I find your situation riveting, in that my XW hasn't decided she'd like to work things out, but I keep jumping right back in the frying pan of emotional panic to be with her. My rational self goes with what Reading your thread, particularly Iodo's post of:
Quote:
If your XW wanted to be with you, she'd be bending over backwards to make it work right now. She's not. All she's done is tested the waters to see if she still can string you along or not. It's a power thing....
All of this sobering discussion rings true. After 3 years of DBing in my own rambling way, the only true thing I can say is that my sitch is still alive and I'm still confused as hell. I do thank you for sharing your sitch with all of us, because reading about others' journeys helps me to see different, alternative paths to reconciliation that I haven't tried yet.
Letting Go Tom; JUST DO IT! previously hopeful_husband
my A: Fall 05 W found out: Feb 06; separated immediately W pursued D, final 7/11/07
I understand, you wanted to make your marriage work. And that's great - that's the whole point. But your XW wasn't on the same page. She's got her own stuff going on. It's hard for us LBS to really get that. Here's something I found helpful when I finally started admitting it was stupid to keep hoping: http://home.att.net/~velvet-hammer/makeitwork.html
You're still young. Goals probably seem like a long way away, but they help. Try to think them through: what you want, where you see yourself heading, what you expect from a companion, what you need to feel loved or to feel respected at work, etc.
For better or worse, you're starting over and now you've got some baggage to deal with, i.e. reaction to XW and the fact you're obviously still not over her. It takes time and focus. Know yourself before you seriously try to get into another relationship. If you know yourself, you won't make as many mistakes. You'll have the confidence to ask for what you want and not be willing to become a doormat in order to get it. Know yourself and live life to the fullest.
Don't beat yourself up, either. We're all affected by a failed relationship. I'm sure your XW is affected by it. But it is what it is. So take it all with a grain of salt and move on. Remind yourself that you're an individual in this world and there is great beauty and experience to discover, whether you're with your XW, a smokin' hot babe, or alone. Discover your interests and pursue them and you will then discover yourself. Once you do that, people can't help but be drawn to you. Confidence and self-awareness is its own magnet. My $.02.
Profound words Lodo, and Still Hoping, I completely empathize with your situation. I only did the DB'ing for 3 months and I probably got it wrong. These were also the longest 3 months of my life. 3 years is commendable and my heart goes out to you. This couldn't have been easy for you.
Even though DB'ing didn't immediately salvage my marriage, it has a direct role in the situation I'm in today. Albeit, this is no enviable situation, it's a hell of a lot better than where I was a year ago when I started this process.
Db'ing encouraged me to suck it up and get a life, or in my case, change my life. XW and I are young and we spent too much time out socializing with our friends and not connecting with eachother. Our socializing wasn't healthy either. We'd meet up at the bar or a houseparty, as opposed to something more mature and conducive to supporting a committed realtionship.
I decided it was time to change my life and find more fulfilling hobbies. That's how I met my new GF, we were in a salsa dancing class together. I admit that I met her only 3 months after the separation, so it was way to soon to be getting involved, but I was being a doormat to my XW and she took full advantage of that. Enough was enough, and I decided I'd go on some dates with this new girl, besides she's a hot doctor
While Db'ing I realized I wasn't romantic enough, so I made a long list of things that I'd do with XW if we ever got back together. These were good ideas IMO. Not to let these go to waste, I did them with my new GF instead. Couple these romantic dates with a fun new set of hobbies, as well as a new inner-confidence I got from DB'ing and it was recipe for sweeping her off her feet. That's where we're at now.
XW has seen all this unfold in front of her (via Facebook) and confessed she never thought I was capable of being romantic like that. She told me I turned into the H she always wanted and that she wants me back. She broke up with her BF (she says she did it to get back together with me) and for the last 4 months has been showing me the side of her I fell in love with. I have to admit that resisting the temtation to go back to her was rough. I finally caved a couple weeks ago, but her behavior changed once she felt she had me.
Now I'm off in my confused little world. XW's behavior turned me off to the idea of rekindling anything. GF has been understanding, but also backed off.
I guess I'm getting the time to myself that I need to figure things out.
I planned a tropical getaway with GF last week, and that's brought her closer and strangely XW too. At first XW was upset (understandable) but now we've got this uncensored open line of communication going where all the feelings that we never talked about are getting laid out in a constructive way devoid of anger. Talking to XW now is almost like counseling because we're discussing our true feelings openly and honestly with eachother... Now I feel like I'm going right back to where I was a couple weeks ago. Do I go back to XW or keep the friendship and pursue this amazing thing I have going with GF?
ABM - Here's my two cents. It may sound anti-DB, and I really don't mean it to be. BUT - I think when the situation is like yours, you need to really ask yourself if it's a good idea to reconcile?
After all, you don't have kids yet. Is your ex REALLY the kind of honorable, trustworthy person you would want by your side in a crisis? Imagine having a child with a serious medical problem, for instance. Lots of crises come up in life; do you really want to face them with a woman who has already proven to you, EARLY in your marriage, that she doesn't have very strong moral fiber?
She doesn't sound like a good bet for the next 50 years. She just sounds like she got jealous when she saw you moving forward with someone else and wanted to dangle the hook.
I have been told to expect this kind of behavior from XW once she realized our M wasn't a bad one at all. Having talked with her a lot about this, her main motivation for walking away is she felt I didn't love her and didn't want me to make the first move. Truth is, I loved her dearly and part of me still does. I just didn't show it well with all the stresses we had in our lives at that time.
When she had her A and walked out I fought with all I had for 3 months to get her back. She didn't see it this way. She thought I just gave up on her. Her blinders must have been on at that point because I don't think I've ever tried harder at anything than to try to get her back. Unfortunately, it was a balancing act of trying to show her I could be the man she wants and not condoning her A. It didn't work, and after a while I'd had enough.
I know the right thing to do is let XW deal with her loss and move on. I think she wants back right now out of fear, regret, and guilt. She needs to be stable before I should even consider working things out.
It just hurts me to see her like this. She's not eating, taking anxiety meds, and sobs whenever we talk. However, this week she appears to be improving.
I don't know, XW sounds kind of immature... and this not eating and anxiety meds... ugh!!!
Also, if she had a difficult time being married without children in the picture, I would be concerned about problems that could arise if you were to have children. Kids can add huge stress to marriage, would additional problems cause her to stray and flee from the marriage again? I would be really hesitant to reconnect with her if I were you.
From everything you've described your GF sounds much more mature and possibly more emotionally "together." These would be better qualities to have in building a long-term relationship.
I may be wrong and guessing here.... but whatever you do, do not reconnect with XW because she's a "damsel in distress" and needs "saving." That would be a huge mistake.
P.s. you wrote: >>her main motivation for walking away is she felt I didn't love her and didn't want me to make the first move.<<
Yeah right..... you want to buy a bridge?
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
