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kai #1903509 12/29/09 02:18 AM
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kai
MY xh also M the OW
she is 28 he is going to be 43
It hurts a lot when you first find out
seems so bizaar b/c so much of the reading suggest it wont happen
I guess it does
My XH M in August..5 months after our D was final
all I can sat is the pain eases
inially it is a great shock..then it passes
whether the R can last, who knows
but im sure it wont be a blissful union
how could it when so many people were affected for th negative
and the age difference alone will catch up
focus on tking care of you
let H go
you will continue on your journey becoming free and whole
you will heal
I suspect they shutdown and that is how they can move on so easily
the OW is like a drug
but that part will fade and hopefully for them their is something of substance in the R or we know it cant survive
R are difficly in the best of situations and these circumstances are so negative
the odds are NOT with them
hang in
peace


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
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kai Offline OP
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Thank you Peacetoday.

I really didn't expect him to marry her. I don't know why, but I found all those statistics about the affair-based relationship comforting, believing it would end and he would see what a mistake he had made with me.

I couldn't take him back after all of the hurt he has caused me, but I wanted him to at least feel some of what I have felt. I suppose that's not the right attitude and I am supposed to wish him happiness but I am not there yet. I wish I was.

kai #1903689 12/29/09 01:31 PM
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kai,
A lot of them do marry the OP. They are trying to prove a point in most cases, i.e., that it was us that created the breakdown in the marriage. Or, they do it when they are most vulnerable and don't know how to get out of it. Whatever the reason, many of them regret the new marriages, but won't always admit it.

As for him feeling the way you have felt....time is on your side. Give the euphoria time to wear off. He may be flying high right now, but in a few months or even a year or so, the brass will tarnish and he'll be down in the mouth once again. Karma has a way of coming back to bite them.

The most important thing you can do is take care of yourself. Focus on what you need to do to get through each day and go from there. The man upstairs will take care of your h.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #1903732 12/29/09 02:56 PM
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I am trying to focus on moving forward with my life but am very lonely (no kids) and feel like this is the end for me in terms of a romantic relationship. It's very difficult to meet single men of my age who aren't single for a very good reason and/or are looking for someone in their 30's, rather than late 40's. I don't fault them for that, it's perfectly natural.

It boggles my mind that the person I love suffers a midlife crisis due to depression, hormonal changes and his never-dealt with childhood trama and I am the one who is left lonely and scared.

kai #1903807 12/29/09 04:03 PM
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Hi Kai!

You know, marrying someone isn't the same as having a great relationship with them. Your ex has clearly never taken the time to deal with the issues you list above, and so is incapable of really loving another person at the moment. I know it's only another statistic, but the number of marriages to the OW which last are about 3%, so you know it's going to be fraught with problems.

I found it best, when thoughts of the OW came to mind, to "bless" her with the wish that, what she gave out, she would get back tenfold. (I figured if she managed to sort out her issues and became truly loving and caring, she'd become too happy to continue the OW cycle ... but if she continued to prey on married men and want others to take care of the problems she'd caused, she'd end up with being cheated on and causing greater problems for herself.) With that I'd dismiss her from my mind.

You know, it DOES feel like the end of all romantic hopes at this point. Let yourself grieve it--but give yourself a deadline, after which he's not worth it anymore.

What are you scared of?

How was your trip last summer? Did you get to BC? How is the new apt working out, and how are the cats?

Take care.

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Hi Cyrena,

New place is good. Had to buy some furniture so I ended up not going anywhere on vacation for financial reasons. Cats are good company, as always.

What am I scared of? I am scared of not meeting someone new and being alone for the rest of my life.

I liked being married to my xh. We were great friends, had the same taste in movies, same sense of humour, mostly the same likes and dislikes in food, were discussing our retirement plans a week before we separated. We never argued and enjoyed being together. I was so sure of our relationship, so content. I KNEW his childhood was going to be an issue and I TRIED to address it with him over the years, to no avail. I certainly didn't think it was going to destroy our marriage.

I am not saying that I think MY marriage was SPECIAL or better than anyone who has experienced this type of break-up, but I'm not going to rewrite history and now find fault with him and our relationship in order to help myself heal. It wasn't perfect, I wasn't perfect, he wasn't perfect but it was really good.

Will I ever find that again? I don't feel like I will and that scares me.

There are pictures posted on her fb of them from their vacation last year which they took one month after we separated. It is pretty upsetting to look at them embracing in their bathing suits while I was home, preparing to leave our home and struggling to breathe.

kai #1904386 12/30/09 02:58 AM
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As you know, it's hard for me to log on here while H and kids are home, so I have to be brief. There's more I want to say when I get a longer chance.

I'm guessing you haven't heard from your H since that last time? I guess that leaves you feeling as though you've had no closure with him--apart from this slap in the face of a wedding announcement.

From what I've read, most MLCers eventually do feel regret, and many try to make some sort of apology to the spouses they hurt. However, that may still be years coming, since right now your ex is still distracted by the OW-novelty-endorphins. He has known her for about 2 years this December, if I interpret correctly, so the crunch where he starts to realize that he's still not happy (and, therefore, you were not the source of his problems) can't be far away. As you say, he's stubborn, so he may not want to admit that for awhile--but he will feel it.

The trouble with fb is that most people only post happy photos and comments. Often, the worse the relationship is getting, the harder they try to convince everyone that all is perfect. So, what you saw was propaganda for them, but not necessarily reality. You're right to avoid the temptation to look again, though--it will hurt too much every time.

It's been 2 years of grieving for you, too, and I want to get back to you with some suggestions for moving on as soon as I can. Also, you might want to look for some "success" stories in the Divorced section, to see how others coped after divorce. Lissie was pretty amazing.

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Kai,
If the time comes and you are forced to divorce your h, I want to assure you, you will be okay. The weight of the MLC will be lifted and the game of boundaries can then change. You will then have even more control over your life. How can I say that? Well, I'm divorced from a MLCer. I have been divorced for over 7 years and have been traveling this road for over 10 years and have studied and learned quite a bit about the MLC monster.

There are a number of successful posters all over the forums who are divorced and have gone on to be successes in all areas of their lives. Myturnnow, Lissie and others post here in the MLC forum as well as the Surviving Divorce forum. Divorce is not the end of the world...it's just a piece of paper. Who knows what the future holds for any of us. Please do not be afraid of what the future holds. The only thing you need to fear is fear itself.

Grieving takes time and each person moves along the path at their pace. However, we do not want to see anyone getting stuck. Why not sit down and make a list of things that you would like to accomplish that you've not been able to do for a long time? Check them off as you complete them. This is a good first step in getting over the "hump".

If you have any questions, please feel free to ask. I do not mind sharing what I have done to travel on down the road.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #1904570 12/30/09 02:02 PM
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Kai
try to NOT go on facbook
It used to bother me so much to know the OW and H were happy
at some points during the crises ( beginning) xh seemed content and looked well
It bothered me and most of us to think about the OW having our h
and getting thenm to the point of leaving the family
it ias not what is seems
MY xh too had a horrible childhood
now my xh has lost it all
he has not looked happy for a long time
I believe they come to a place where they know and the running will only work for a short time
yet they refuse to look at themselves
they choose the path that appears fun and it probably is for a time
no one can make anyone work on themselves
only the person has to chose the road, seek help
it isnt about you
you know that
hang in
keep working on yourself

as snodderly says, you never know
some was return d or not
we lbs all seem to get better in time
we heala, change and grow and in many cases create new lives and new R that work
peace


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
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Cyrena,
No, I haven't heard from him since February when he lost his job and wanted me to send him his resume. I saw him at the end of June in a variety store down the street (remember we both ended up moving to the same general neighbourhood) but I don't think he saw me. It was early in the afternoon and he was wearing his bathing suit, a t-shirt and riding his bike so I assume he had not yet found a job at that point. I hope the bike meant he had to sell the Audi.

That said, I guess he has a job now or he wouldn't be able to get engaged.

If I believe his story, he met her in Dec 07. I am pretty sure he is lying and I have reason to believe he met her in Oct 07, but stopped digging in order to save myself further pain. When I checked her FB it was only to see if my former stepson was still a 'friend' and then I would know if they were still together. The last thing I expected to see was 'engaged' and her gushing about her 'beautiful boyfriend.'

Snodderly,
I am divorced. I filed on the grounds of adultery and got the papers in April. He was spending money like a drunken sailor and tried to make me responsible for half of his debt after we separated. He even asked me to pay half his rent after I asked him to leave our home, although it appears he immediately moved in with OW into her government-subsidized apartment. As it was, I had to pay half of the $35,000 he spent in five months romancing the OW as well as getting lapdances (and likely more) at a strip bar.

Peacetoday,
Thank you for your thoughts. I will check out the divorced forum and see if I can find something to help me deal with this latest revelation.

My xh also appears happy in the pictures, and it was only a month after we split. During one of our conversations (I can't remember when but we've rarely spoken since we split) he told me that she is a lot of fun and he is really, really happy and that he thought he would miss me but doesn't.

Why I don't feel indifferent towards him and his life after that is something I am struggling with.

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