H is away on business. Our C says that H is the type of person who craves excitment. So he is now visiting a new city. He called up kids today on speaker phone and told us all the new and wonderful things he is doing and seeing. I can tell he is really enjoying himself. So I think to myself, we have been together 17 years. How can I keep up this kind level of excitment in the M? I can't. So we are doomed, or more specifically he is doomed to look for new relationships when old ones stagnate. He is cognitive of this trait in himself (the excitment part, not the looking for new love part) but has convinced himself that it is different with OW. I wonder if a miracle happens and he decides to try on our M, how I can keep the excitment going. Maybe this really won't work after all because it would be so much work and I would constantly be wondering, am I good enough, am I making it exciting enough for him, is he happy with me, will he look for someone else?
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
I wonder if a miracle happens and he decides to try on our M, how I can keep the excitment going. Maybe this really won't work after all because it would be so much work and I would constantly be wondering, am I good enough, am I making it exciting enough for him, is he happy with me, will he look for someone else?
Ahhhhh, there's the rub.
As far as OW goes, she's insignificant, if it wasn't her, it would just be somebody else. They don't love these OW's (or OM's), the whole thing just provides excitement and distraction.
[quote=PositivelyMommy] As far as OW goes, she's insignificant, if it wasn't her, it would just be somebody else. They don't love these OW's (or OM's), the whole thing just provides excitement and distraction.
Just MHO.
Stacy
I think so too. It seems to me from my sitch and others here, it's almost like the WAS goes for the person with the least likely chance of an LTR. Maybe that's how they fall into it, both in my sitch were married with kids, so maybe H thought she was "safe". Hah!
everything you say makes great sense for a newcomer who is trying something and checking results, monitoring the outcomes.... BUT you've been here a long time without significant change. I have been here awhile so my time frame of reference is a long one. I get it. But my h showed signs and said things about getting back together along the way and there was no OW.
What I'm trying to say is the whole deal about "checking/monitoring" results after some time. Sorry to be brutal but you did ask for me to check this out. You have DBd some time now. The results are NOT encouraging..."a little improvement" is that you are slightly more civil, correct? I mean there have been NO recent discussions about getting back....so I'm left with wondering how long you will wait, or until what triggering event, until you try something else....
Don't confuse patience with being stuck. I know there's a fine line sometimes and I'm not positive I'm right OF COURSE....but I sense a lot of the same "waiting for a miracle" in you. And with the deaths in my family and close circle the past year, YEAH I am in a hurry to LIVE MY BEST LIFE....with or without a man.
Besides, you glossed over the real chance that 1) nothing will bring him back BUT 2) if anything will, it is likely to be something DIFFERENT....like something scary...like moving on and away. And if he won't drive a few times...then this is NOT MLC....my h flew in from Alaska for weekends...
God knows he was wacky and selfish too, but when the light goes on in them, they miss you and they DO some things differently and you start to wonder if maybe this is it...cuz they make real efforts.
So sorry. I don't see those signs in your h yet and I think it's time to pull out the nukes...not the punitive ones...the ones that show you are moving ON...
A woman only a fool would leave, is a woman who does what makes her and her children happy and secure, in the face of long term neglect and worse....
It is, of course just mho.
((( hugs cuz I KNOW this sucks!!! I get it!!!) but it's not hopeless yet!! But it might become that way if you keep doing the same thing...and expecting different results.
((( j )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Love you and I'm feeling your pain and big decisions to come. 25MLC has great advise... remember nothing is EVER permanent.... you could stop the moving process if H starts breaking down, you could move to a new city together if R happens after the move and start a new life.. Nothing is forever...things change and can change... so don't look at this move as so final...
I agree you've been at this DB thing a year now and I would think you would see some signs or some communication from him one way or the other... if what you were doing was working you would know by now.. let's try something different... I'm dealing with the same thing.. the reality that my M is probably over but in reality we don't know what the future holds so take care of you and the kids.. if you start the process on the move as you said it will take some time so you sit down and let your H let him know that this is a decision you have made, that the door is still cracked, but you need to do this for you and the kids.. write him a letter whatever works best... then start the wheels in motion...
God will take care of you .. pray about your decision ...
Me: 38/H:40 M:7yrs TG: 10yrs 2Girls: 4yr & 7 month old Bomb 8/22/08 OW/EA/PA 8/23/08 with 25yr old Moved out 9/22/08
there are those who divorce and move on, and become better people...and remarry later. (I have two in my own family).
One wonders if that could ever happen if they had stayed in limbo so long...I doubt it. Not much growth, so not much chance of a lasting recon...
We know it's not easy. But is what you are going through, ad infinitum, easier?
(( j ))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
PM, checking in and seeing how you are. You have given me much support in my sitch and I know how you are struggling.
They say you will know when it is time. As long as you have love in your heart it is difficult to turn away. My prayers are with you.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
Thank you everyone for all of your input, especially MLC for pointing out all these important points. I have been thinking over what everyone said and trying to make sense of everything. To tell you the truth. I just cannot pull the plug just yet. I just feel that I am not ready to abandon ship just yet and move home. What I will do is when we have our shared counselling session I will ask H to sign some applications for school with me so at least he knows I am considering it for some time in the future. Not to say I will move right away but it is on my mind. Which is where I am at right now emotionally.
I told you all that H went away for one trip. Well, he came home for one night to see the kids before going away for another trip. He brought presents for the kids and we had a pretty normal night ( no, he didn't have dinner with us) but guess what, he bought me a small gift! I could have fell out of my chair. It was one of my favorite things, a bag of really nice coffee. He bought it especially for me. Now I don't know what to think. Why did he buy me coffee? Was he thinking about me on his trip? Is he feeling guilty about something? Does it mean anything? But if he hates me or is indifferent or is trying to get away from me why would he buy me anything? Let alone something thoughtful that I would like????
I am confused.
I mentioned that I felt a change but couldn't prove my finger on it. Now it seems this action is totally out of character for what has been happening in the last year. I wonder if he is opening up his eyes to other options than the path he has chosen??? Ideas anyone?
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
I think when you're ready you will know when that is. I've read that when others posted it, and it's happened to me this past week. I'm ready to move on and get proactive about the D. I think you should wait until you are more ready. But maybe keep that in mind for 6 months or 12 months down the row so your decisions reflect that?
I think he certainly is confused. I'm sure he doesn't hate or is indifferent to you. I'm sure it can't be easy for your H to turn away from a wonderful person like you!!! I would suggest watch and wait: from everything I've seen here, when they come back it'll be obvious. But, yes, it shows he's thinking of you and you're on his mind in a good way so I think that's good. Karen
