Can you tell I don't know how to multiple quote within one post? BLONDE!
Bottom line... it doesn't appear he's being anyone different than he was when you were "together." I'm not so sure I would race to spend extra time with him yet. If he starts to "get it," I'd certainly start to agree to more time together.
How's D10 doing??? Does she miss your H???
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
HAHA! If there were missing teeth-I would have ran for the hills!
I know that there are no real changes in stbx. I know with some of the research I have been doing on serial cheaters, the likelihood that he will change is slim to none. It is very sad actually, to know with your heart that no matter what you do, your spouse is so severly flawed and will never be able to be in a truly intimate and committed relationship.
But at least I KNOW now, that there is no hope, there is no reconcilliation I deserve a good, healthy, committed relationship and I will not find it with stbx.
D10 is heartbroken. She loves stbx and is very hurt with all that is happening. I just make sure she feels loved and special, hug her and talk to her and try to be the best mom I can to her. Eventually, she will figure it all out...
He is wanting to do some "cake eating", pure and simple. At present, I'm sure there is nothing else there. Just do as you said and nicely, gently, but firmly reject his offers. It is that simple. If you are worried that you might be missing some sort of "reach out" from him, don't worry. IF you want that, IF it is for real, and IF it is truly some sort of change in heart, then it won't be fleeting. Just throw your arms around your kids and develop a good relationship & life for the three of you.
As for the trip to Hawaii, I agree with MB. It sure seems that your S is way too young to be away from his Mother for that long. That is aside from how you feel about his family.
As for that about his family... wow! Ought to serve as a good reminder for you and help steel your resolve a bit. Refuse his requests. Start moving on without him...
I know it is all about the the cake eating for stbx.
Sometimes I cannot BELEIVE I fell for this guy. Uugghh.
I don't know how to approach the subject of the 2 weeks in Hawaii. He always accuses me of trying to keep my S from seeing his family. Now I would love it if my S is never exposed to that side of the family, but I would not intentionally keep them from seeing S. As soon as stbx and I seperated, his family cut me off-which is just fine to me. But I have never tried to keep them from my S. He always plays the "I have him for the summer and I will do what I want" attitude. I am not sure if I can even put it in the custody agreement that he cannot take S to Hawaii-any advice out there?
My D17 was 2 when I D'd her Dad. I had some very specific language put in the visitation agreement regarding a variety of subjects; No paramours present overnight when she was with him, can only take one week of vaca at a time until she was 5-years old and could handle being separated from me for that length of time, etc... I would think you could put something in. I'm not so worried about the going to Hawaii, as the little guy being separated for so long so young.
Who knows, though? If you and the STBX end up being able to agree on matters, and he is a strong presence in S1's (that looks cute!)life consistently, it might be okay. I'd certainly explore the options, though!
My two cents!
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Almost sounds like he's a victim of his upbringing. Doesn't mean you can go back though. I'm so sorry.
I'm glad you're waiting on the date. I think you should wait a while. A long while. For yourself. Not for him. Not for anyone else. Just to let your own emotions settle and not be so raw.
I feel a tremendous amount of pain for you Tango. I really do. This sucks. And to have him making passes at you when you are lonely and upset and berating yourself and him and going through so much turmoil in your emotions.
I hope it works out quickly for you.
Wilmington is nice. I'm in Raleigh, but I get to Wilmington from time to time. I was stationed at Camp Lejuene (a.k.a swamp lejuene) for almost four years. Enjoyed it. I like NC.
If you two decide to get that beer and shot, I'll expect a phone call with a destination and time to be there
Peace,
AJ
P.S. I know you weren't calling me names, MB. I assumed you didn't mean me.
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Hehe! AJ, you, MB and I definitely have to go out on a night on the town!! There is nothing here in J-actionville (as they call the town Camp lejeune is at).
Aaannyyway-I did go out with my friends Saturday and was introduced to a lovely man. He was married, 2 kids. Wife left him while he was at war. Been a year since that happened. We had a GREAT time. I mean super great. It was a bunch of my friends that care a lot about me and he was a person that is close to two of my other friends and they also care a lot about him-so it was a great enviornment to meet someone.
We shot pool, had drinks, had convo pretty much all night as a group. Next day we grabbed some lunch. We talked about where we are in out personal lives and are on the same page. We definitely DO NOT want to get into a relationship. We kinda just want to have a "safe" friend, of the opposite sex, to just hang out with and talk with. We both feel strongly that our kids are a priority and that if we have some time when our kids are not central, then hey-lets grab some food and talk.
I have to say, at first I was totally against this whole thing. My friends srprung this on me last minute. I felt like they really just wanted us to meet because both of us have been through some really bad sh*t. We are both good people with kids that don't have time for bs games. And mostly, our friends care about us. Funny that we never really met before since I have been friends with these guys for 6-7 years (one for 15) and he has known them for at least that long.
It was nice to have adult convo, with a mature man who knows where he is and what he wants out of life. There is definitely chemistry there...but we both were married for a while...and anyway-I am content to talk with him.
Good to hear. Enjoy. Stay out of "relationships" and take the time to figure out what YOU want. Until then, have fun, relax, and enjoy.
I'd love to hear back later.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Steve-I had been down in the dumps for so long. Confidence was shaken, self esteem sufferin' and I was scared to meet anyone at all because of that. But since meeting this guy, I have to say, "why in the hell was I so scared?" I was totally myself and he pretty much dug it. I remembered who I am. I remembered how much fun I can be.
I remembered that I am one hot chica
As for the X, I will bring it up and see if we can work something out. I want the whole D to be easy and as nonconfrontational as possible. It won't be too bad on him as his family will be there, so he will have help.
