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Matilda, Aud, and Naej,
I like the advice on the podcast on communication that I listened to this weekend. The criteria for speaking is that it must be truthful, kind, helpful, and timely. It will be interesting to evaluate my speech based on this criteria, particularly since my W considers me to be often mean.

I also like the perspective from another podcast on thinking, that most of our thoughts aren't true, so therefore we shouldn't pay attentiion to most of what passes thru our minds.

My W frequently writes and says to me that I blame others or circumstances for my unhappiness. I'm wondering if she might be right, so I'm going to pay more attention to what's going on in my head. I think I am too reactive, and judgmental of what my W says and does.

I've been putting effort into finding behaviors that I think will bring goodwill into the M--cooking weekly, dancing, hiring a housecleaner, joining a world travel group. These are important, and I will continue to perform these acts.

The problem is I've been too attached to the outcome of how my W treats me. I'm still too preoccupied with myself. I think that because I perform these acts, that she must now be happy with me. I am disappointed that she doesn't follow my scenario, or thinks that I am now a wonderful H.

I need to listen to what she's trying to tell me, and look inside and see what's true. I do need to work on listening, communication, conflict management, and compassion. These are skills I need to improve upon no matter who I'm married to.

It's easy to distract myself from my work that needs to be done, by focusing on the sleeping elsewhere issue, and my W's imperfections. I'm not saying that I'm responsible for her sleeping elsewhere, or that I deserve that.

CL

CL


CL 53 W 54
M 20 yrs.
03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL
10-14' Piecing

"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."

----Tao Te Ching
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CL,

Can you point us in the correct direction for those podcasts? I think a lot of us could benefit from it...


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Daybreak,
I believe the website is zencast.com. You can also download from ITunes--click podcasts, audio podcasts, religion and spirituality, and zencast.com. The downloads are free of charge.

I'm listening to a podcast on Patience today. I'll report in a later post what I've learned.

CL

Last edited by Concerned_Listener; 02/09/09 05:05 PM.

CL 53 W 54
M 20 yrs.
03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL
10-14' Piecing

"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."

----Tao Te Ching
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Originally Posted By: Concerned_Listener

I think that because I perform these acts, that she must now be happy with me. I am disappointed that she doesn't follow my scenario, or thinks that I am now a wonderful H.

Have you and your wife ever taken the tests for Five Love Languages? I know you have done lots of reading....just can't recall if we've ever discussed 5LL. Just a thought.

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Matilda,
It would be helpful to read the Five Love Languages at some point. It sits on my bookshelf for now.

My W asked to me to go to a dance venue last night. I think we had a nice time. She worries that I'm having a better time dancing with other ladies than her.

She also asked me to sleep in her bed last night and to bring the sheep puppy dog. I think she might be jealous of the puppy, and the attention I pay to him.

She wrote me in a recent email that we both need to move on from the hurt and anger of the past, and relate in a more constructive way.

I've pulled down my copy of Divorcebusting, and will review it.

CL


CL 53 W 54
M 20 yrs.
03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL
10-14' Piecing

"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."

----Tao Te Ching
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Quote:
I need to listen to what she's trying to tell me, and look inside and see what's true. I do need to work on listening, communication, conflict management, and compassion. These are skills I need to improve upon no matter who I'm married to.

It's easy to distract myself from my work that needs to be done, by focusing on the sleeping elsewhere issue, and my W's imperfections. I'm not saying that I'm responsible for her sleeping elsewhere, or that I deserve that.

You do need to explore these things CL...I think each of us can always benefit from being aware of each new layer of weakness in ourselves, and continuously working to overcome said weaknesses. That said (and in keeping with a DR principle), have you ever communicated your expectations and desires to your W regarding your M? Have you given her a clear opportunity to understand her role in working on the R? Just curious. \:\)

Quote:
She wrote me in a recent email that we both need to move on from the hurt and anger of the past, and relate in a more constructive way.

This is 100% true. Does she see herself as actively working on this? I think you are.

Matilda's 5LL question is a good one...speaking wrong languages could definitely be a problem. It's a fast, easy, entertaining read. I wholeheartedly encourage you read it soon.


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Aud,
[/quote]
That said (and in keeping with a DR principle), have you ever communicated your expectations and desires to your W regarding your M? Have you given her a clear opportunity to understand her role in working on the R? Just curious. \:\)

[/quote]

There hasn't been an opportunity for me to present my expectations and desires to her. The sleeping elsewhere didn't stop until last September.

I would like to start with respectful communication as an expectation. If she can work on that, I think it will serve as a foundation for us to work on other issues.

It seems like we've been thru a storm of emotions these past months, and now the rain is letting up.

I'm going to resume IC tomorrow. This may eventually provide an opportunity for MC, and constructive communication.

My stance is there will only be a D, if she pursues it. She's going to have to work either way--towards a D and an independent life or repairing the M. I think she's learned that there is no escape from marital problems. Of course, I have to work on my issues too, but hopefully more in partnership with my W than alone.

CL


CL 53 W 54
M 20 yrs.
03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL
10-14' Piecing

"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."

----Tao Te Ching
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Quote:
There hasn't been an opportunity for me to present my expectations and desires to her.

Being a non-confrontational person like yourself, I understand where this statement comes from, but here's a thought:

You've mentioned before that she accuses you of being non-communicative and sullen. I think for true communication to be present it's just as vital for her to know what you want and expect as it is for you to continue your efforts to respectfully meet her needs. How can she reciprocate if she's not aware of your own wishes? How can she respect any of your desires if they are unspoken?

From my (admittedly limited) perspective, her email suggesting an increase of respectful communication is a perfect opportunity for you to present her with your own expectations. Feel free to deliver them softly, but she can't meet any request that isn't put out there.

You are an intuitive, considerate and gentle person, but I think you might be surprised to find that she is clueless as to how to really connect with you, and that causes a lot of frustration for her...and for you when it blows up.

I wholeheartedly support you in your D/M plan. I know you'll find a way to speak up and let this be a true partnership in every way.


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Aud,
quote] I think for true communication to be present it's just as vital for her to know what you want and expect as it is for you to continue your efforts to respectfully meet her needs.

[/quote]

The primsry thing I want from her is respectful communication (the very thing she's asking from and setting limits for with me). I think that's the foundation expectation that will allow the others to be met. There can be no intimacy without respectful communication.

It will be easy to speak up on this one, because it's so basic, and it's also what she's asking for.

I did mention it in an email, and it was dismissed. However, I realize it will take repeated attempts.

Beyond respectful communication, I don't know what I want from the M. I wonder if my secondary expectations are being met (or are suppressed)?

CL

Last edited by Concerned_Listener; 02/13/09 03:15 AM.

CL 53 W 54
M 20 yrs.
03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL
10-14' Piecing

"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."

----Tao Te Ching
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 1,242
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I think that's a great place to start: requesting respectful communication. Perhaps a conversation detailing each of your ideas of what constitutes respectful communication would be in order? I have a feeling you both have a few differing ideas on what that means.

Entirely possible your other needs have been surpressed...you've been in shield-yourself-from-attack mode for a long time.


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