My H left in late November and was coming home on the weekends.
He says he has been unhappy for the last 2 years.
Me and many of our close friends think he is having a mid life crisis at 34. (I am 33) When I read the chapter in Micheles book about Surviving His Mid Life Crisis, I cried. She nailed it on the head when it comes to our relationship. He even said I love you but I am not in love with you. Yuck.
My old boss and H is current boss said he believes this is not about me, but I am getting blamed. Boss believes H has it in his head that at 34 he would have X amount of stuff with X amount in the bank, X amount in the 401Ks and we dont. Boss believes H will snap out of it, its just a matter of when. He is exercising now, a lot. Hes got his three different colognes, depending on the event. (R u kidding?) We had to get him an Acura. Alright, here is the time line: I was pregnant in September and miscarried. He was wonderful, very supportive. We were trying to buy a new house at the same time. These are actions and events that would lead me to believe we were happy and in a good place. We decided not to buy the new house and the same day in early November he told me he doesnt want to have any more children. I was UPSET to put it very very mildly. A few days later he said he wants to take a break. A week later we are separated. Then he started staying with his friend during the week and sleeping at home on the weekends. We were intimate during those weekends. And he came home every day to see our almost three year old son. Early December we have a conversation about how he now feels like he wants to maybe date other people. So I actually agree to let him because he says he thinks the chances of us getting back together are decent but he just needed to check things out. I wanted to save our marriage so I actually agreed to this crap. I asked him if he had met someone and he said no. I believed him. At the time, I had no idea he was having an emotional affair with a co-worker, 23, gorgeous. She had absolutely no interest in him but was having problems with her older boyfriend and turned to my H for advice. The first time he said it was 100% over was the first week in January. That following weekend, he started staying at his friends house full time. This is the same time the OWs boyfriend dumped her. OWs never ever hung out with H outside of work, but they would talk for HOURS on the phone. In the last few days she had told him to NEVER speak to her again because its come to her attention people at work are calling her a home wrecker and no one respects my H anymore. They see it as cheating on me. He completely disagrees and says we are not married, havent been in months. In recent days we have gotten along great. I have been using tactics from Divorce Remedy. Also had some BLOW OUTs I did have back slides unfortunately. The most recent blow out was Wednesday morning where I told him he did cheat on me and took advantage of me. He disagrees. I was hopeful we could make it because this whole time, he has come home every day. He still uses the house as his own even when I am there. Cooks dinner for us, laundry, all of his clothes and all of his stuff are still there if he wanted out so bad, why does he still see me everyday? He even hangs out with me a lot, meals out, dinner at friends houses, at our house, grocery shopping, etc. He invites me to do things. So I was hopeful he was seeing all the changes in me that I have learned and started to apply from the book and plus I am in therapy. I admit I did have a role in creating some weak spots in the marriage. I truly was a nag and was flying off the handle quite a bit there. Ugly but true. But apparently he has not noticed anything or he just does not care. In the last week, he has again told me several times its over. Get on with your life, it is over, over, over. He even said if it were not for the economy we would be divorced by now…..meaning we have debt, yes, but also can not sell the house which also binds us together. So, not knowing what else to do, I have asked him to move out completely, take all of his clothes and not to come over anymore unless it is his days to see our son. (Monday, Wednesday, every other Thursday and every other weekend.) When he has our son on the weekends, I stay at a friends house. I told him I need to see him much less. But he has yet to move his stuff out. He said he would try, but I have not brought it up again since Wednesday morning. Since then, we have been awesome around each other. He has often said during this whole time of hell for me that we can be just like Bruce and Demi. I hate it when he says that. I want to be like George and Gracie. We really can not afford two households so he has been staying with one of his best friends from college which I hate, this same best friend professed to have feelings for me about 5 weeks ago. Creepy. So we are legally married for at least another year. My son is still asking me when I am going to bring Daddy home because I made the mistake of promising something to my child that I now fear I cannot deliver. I do still love this man. I still desire him. I promised him everything. The only reason I have not absolutely given up is that I know he still desires me. He says so on a regular basis. I believe he still loves me on some level. I believe he is having a mid-life crisis. I believe I have it in me to ride this out. I have my first DB Coaching session tonight. I'm at the end of my rope here and hoping for a miracle. Any advice or stories about miracles related to MLCs? I would love to hear about them.
M-33 H-34 S-almost 3 Bomb-Mid November 2008 Moved out early December 2008
Oh yes...there are miracles. Check out Brandnewday and JackThreeBeans.
I will tell you this...it takes time. You are pretty new into this. I know this is hard, but you will have to tap into a reserve of strength that you never knew you had. You will have to have patience you did not know existed.
Although I am sorry to see you here under these circumstances, welcome to the board. We have all been where you are, and are dealing with similar to same issues. So post alot, and look for advice. We are good people, and we arent going to coddle you, but will tell you what you can do to make the transition easier, to make life easier, and to give you some peace of mind.
Remember, this could potentially take years, so steel yourself for the long haul...
(((Hugs))))
Lola
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
Sorry to see you here, but it is an awesome place to get help . In what I read of your situation you are ahead of the curve as far as knowing what you have to do to try and save your marriage and more importantly yourself. Keep posting , people here really want to help. Don't give up, be patient, pray for guidance.
m-54 w-44 children-4 bomb-sept 21 2007 t-21 m-20yrs bomb-sept 23 2007 divorced but not giving up hope, not yethttp://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#post1224023
Welcome, sorry your here, but this is a great place to be if you are going through this. It is very tough, it will test you in many ways but you will become a much better person. You will need Patience like never before.
Come here to vent and ask questions. It's not a good idea to talk about this with a lot of other people.
Trapt has a very good point. Others will not understand why you are "standing". We will, because we have chosen to do the same.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
Well, I had my Coach Busting session with Jody. Incredible. I'm glad I did it. I have two more session with her coming up and I am really looking forward to it now. I just found out he's still calling the EA/OW, but not nearly as much. There's been a HUGE drop off. And she hadn't called him since January 21. But she has answered the phone a handful of times, maybe 4 times since then. But she did call him for one minute this morning and he called her back for one minute. Not sure what is going on there. He called me about an hour later. It was of no importance really, just a call. I feel like he and I won't be able to recover if this girl comes back into his life.
But before that knowledge I was feeling pretty good. I thought she had stopped calling him. Not much I can do about it either way.
I've been reading some books about relationships and how divorce comes about. Very very insightful.
My in laws were here this past weekend. I stayed at my friend's place because it was my H's weekend with our S, but saw them on Saturday and saw them on Sunday for breakfast. We were going to do brunch but H texted me and said they wanted to do breakfast at our place. So my friend and her husband (very good buddy of H's) and I went over there. It was good. His parents have always been very good to me and nothing has changed. My friend and her husband were leaving. They were out front and my father in law was going out to the car to put something in it.
Out of no where, friend tells me FIL says "We've got quite the situation here.....but we all need to worry about that little guy in there." Friend's answer was "I pray for them every day." Short conversation even shorter, FIL was thanking them for everything they've done for us. Friend went on to tell him I love H. She's acknowledged what she's done in the marriage to damage it and has been working very hard. She's come a long way, she's done a great job. Friend said FIL didn't speak for about 20 seconds and he's eyes welled up. She said he was getting himself under control. Once he does he says "Well, I can't add anything else to that." Friend went to shake his hand and he pulls her in for a hug. I've always wondered what his parents know, what he's told them. FIL said "H asks me what he should do......I tell him he has to make this decision." That's better than "Leave her." We'll see. Things between us have been very good. I'm not calling him anymore, unless he calls me. I send him texts if I need to communicate with him, which is really only related to S. I've gotten a life with yoga, tennis and friends and stuff. That's been really great for me. So, hurry up and wait. And figure out my life and what I want out of it and what I can control.
I just really need this EA/OW to end completely. I think that would go a long way for us.
M-33 H-34 S-almost 3 Bomb-Mid November 2008 Moved out early December 2008
Thank you so much. It's all just such a horrible horrible roller coaster ride. And not knowing so much and having way too many questions......it starts to take a toll. I'm glad I found this book and this site.
I would love to hear brandnewday and jack_three_beans stories....I tried to find them but I'm new to this. I'm assuming they made it????? Then I REALLY want to read their stories.
