Is the answer blowing in the wind?

[volleydog]

Do NOT feel guilty. You are trying to do what is best for your son and speaking from experience he needs to stay away from your H's house for a long time. At least till the RM leaves and your H is in recovery. He needs to be in a clean environment any way he can.

[Trixi]

Thanks Volleydog. I was feeling temporarily confused because H said he would make sure the house was 'clean'. And he said that RM admitted to being a jerk to SS. So, I know that in H's mind, it was enough. (ie, RM would be "nice")

But you are so right that unless the RM is actually GONE and H is in *recovery*, SS needs to be elsewhere. H is currently 'sober' because he has stopped smoking, drinking, etc, BUT he is NOT in recovery by any stretch.

[NikB]

Hi Trixi - I don't have time to reply but did read your latest updates and wanted to say I'm very happy for the latest turn of events! Especially your H stepping up and being a father to SS. And it sounds like he WANTS to be a father, not just that he's being dragged into it. I'm very glad.

[Loving_Life]

Hey Trixi!

Glad to hear about the progress with the rehab visit and counseling. The family counseling does take a lot out of you. I went to one of those when my sister was in rehab (me, my parents and my sister- yep that was a fun time ;/) Anyway, take some "me" time and keep taking care of yourself!

[Trixi]

We went to MC this morning and he was hung over. He had stopped smoking on Sunday, but started up again. I guess he'll quit tomorrow. Whatever. So, since he was smoking anyway, he had the guys over to jam last night and had a bit too much to drink.

At MC, there was nothing "new" said except he talked more about that list and how it started out with desire, attraction, morphed into friendship, etc and then ended (news to me) with naive and needy. The other new thing I heard was that now that he has experienced younger girls, he is feeling like maybe he needs someone older. (Not older than him, just older than a 20-something.) He said the usual about how he loves me and thinks I'm great, but he just doesn't know if he can commit to forever with me. But then he also can't seem to stay away from me; that we're irresistible to each other.

The counselor seems pretty good. She suggested a Couples Weekend that is Feb 7&8th. Unfortunately it is expensive. ($800) H doesn't want to spend the money on it. And now I see there is a retro session that same weekend. I just sent H a text to see if he had any interest in going to that since it's cheaper. (He probably won't.)

For some reason, I feel particularly discouraged today. He was especially detached during the appointment. Tuesday night he was talking about what an awesome woman I am and that he "isn't worthy". 48 hours later, he acts like *I* am the one not worthy.
It keeps ringing in my ears that my H was talking about wanting to shop for someone else right in front of me. He talked about how he wants to get our situation resolved one way or the other because he knows I would hate him if one day he announced he was in love with someone else. Counselor gave him props for being honest and self-aware.

He said that he feels detached to a degree. I asked point blank if he had any interest in reattaching and he said "well, that's what we're going to counseling for. To see if it's possible."

You would think that I would be 'glad' that we're *finally* going to counseling; but after how today went, I'm not hopeful. I went to the doc today to get my hormone levels checked--I have gained 13 pounds in the past year--ALL of it since October! After I dropped H back at his house, I called the attorney I had been delaying calling. I have an appt scheduled for Tues. Our next counseling appt is on my birthday next Thursday the 5th.

I just feel so...confused. The guy that went to counseling is not the guy I have been with these last few weeks. I feel defeated.

[NikB]

(((trixi)))

More soon

[Trixi]

Quick update
I had sent H a text suggesting retro in lieu of the more expensive Gottman program; also sent him a link in his email. Never heard a peep from him one way or the other.

Sunday we got together to watch the Superbowl and I asked what was up re not responding about retro and he said that he thought we would do counseling for now, and then go in April if it seemed like we should. I said I figured as much, but why didn't he send me a text to say that and he said "because you didn't ask me what I thought." LOL talk about passive/aggressive. I said "that's so ironic because it's weekend about communication and here we obviously just had a problem communicating." Then he said he was worried that it was "religious". I assured him it was not and dropped it.

I saw that list he wrote and one of the top 5 words was "hurt". I asked him to elaborate and he started out saying "Well, I'm sure we hurt each other" and "I sometimes hurt you" to which I agreed, of course. Finally he said that sometimes when he looks at pictures of me or us, he feels hurt because we could have been so much more and we shouldn't be where we are now. So frustrating and sad for me to hear that. I think that the counselor should see the list- it might give her a direction to head.

Nurse called today to say my thyroid was a bit high; glad to know there is a hormonal reason for some of my problems and so they told me to up my synthroid dose. easy peasy.

[Trixi]

Craigslist blog
Do NOT click on that link if you are sensitive to swear words or blunt language. The Title of the post is "Married means MARRIED you moron". There is a certain amount of righteous indignation that (as a woman) makes me say "hey-yeah!! why am *I* blaming myself?!"
(Disclaimer-of course, we (spouses) all have areas we can improve upon. And, the tone of the post is not conducive to actually mending a broken M. There are far more productive ways to approach putting an R back together. BUT, as a LBS who feels "flawed" because my H can't commit to me, it does make me look at my WAH and think that perhaps HE really is the one with the character deficit.)

[Loving_Life]

as a LBS who feels "flawed" because my H can't commit to me, it does make me look at my WAH and think that perhaps HE really is the one with the character deficit.

YES! It is not easy at all to process the feelings of rejection and blaming comments etc. I have been there a lot, my stbx dished out a lot of insults and blaming toward me- literally telling me I was not good enough, as well as pulling away/'not committing'. And sometimes when I think of it the whole *feeling bad about myself* comes over me again- but this is not true and the statement above is absolutely right on! You are a caring, forgiving, considerate, and loyal person. These traits are very admirable! Everyone wants someone who can be more like this, either as a friend or a partner. I think it really helped me see this when I started meeting new people that are friendly and positive, and have nice things to say about me. Other people's behavior is really always a reflection on THEM.

[Trixi]

MC yesterday.
He said more than once that he had thought January 1st we were done/he was going to get a break, but "as fate would have it" we got stranded when delivering SS to rehab and that is what brought us to MC. Actually, he would mostly say the first part about thinking we were done on the 1st.

He is basically fighting two urges- 1) to just get out and be free and single or 2) get back together and make it work. Currently, number 1 is stronger. He said that he had 2 failed marriages, the kids were a disappointment and so he sometimes felt like it would be much easier to just say f-it and start from scratch. (Later, I said that he had ONE failed marriage-this one is yet to be determined and may end up failed or may end up a victory.)

He says that when he thinks of us living together he gets a sense of dread, but he isn't really sure why. C drew the analogy that if we got into a car accident in a certain spot, every time we go past the certain spot, we have an initial physiological reaction because we got hurt there; she wondered if he was having that some sort of response. She acknowledged that for both of us, my thyroid condition really hurt our relationship but it IS corrected.

H did say that he is cake eating to a degree; but he doesn't feel good about it. He just doesn't know what to do. But one thing he DOESN'T want to do is have me hate him if "a few months" down the road he announces he's met someone and has fallen in love. OTOH, he also may want to 'just be single' so that he can focus on music.

Unfortunately, we won't be able to see the counselor for another 3 weeks since she is leaving town. Her idea is that we up our contact; make sure we have a date night once a week that we take turns planning and then a regular dinner at home night. Touch base once a day. See if we can explore this 'sense of dread' thing more in future sessions.

----

It's pretty clear, isn't it? Why the heck I can't listen to what he is saying, I don't know. Oh sure, there were actually positive comments peppered thru-out, too. Those are the things that I hang onto I guess. Apparently, the 'kiss of death'/'straw the broke the camels back' in 2007, was attending marriage builders. Because after that I really wanted us to have our 15 hours/wk of undivided attention; not that I was actually logging the hours and saying "well, we have 8.75 hours so far" more that I was wanting us to spend time together and erroneously used the MB teachings to try to accomplish that. He rebeled and decided he just didn't want to do that. When he mentioned that to the MC yesterday she said "15 hours is a lot-really too hard to do." That chapped my ass. I said "no, not really. If you figure an hour'ish per night for dinner, there's 7 hours already done. Another 8 carved out on the weekend or spending more than an hour together once or twice during the week and you're at 15 hours." Grrrr. Let's think about how much time gets spent in front of computers and TV and now tell me that there is no way to find 15 hours. Puhleeze. Having said that--it wasn't the actual hours I was concerned about-- it was that it felt like spending ANY time was like pulling teeth.

Oh well, it's all in the past now. The ironic thing is that we probably spend more 'undivided attention' time together now, than when we lived together. H and I both have different perceptions of what happened back then.

I just want to move forward. I am sick and tired of looking backwards. I told him last night that I feel angry because he is standing in the way of me having my family and he agreed that he was doing that, but that's why we are going to counseling- to see if we can put it together. <---that is the statement that keeps me from moving on.