Ok I am new to this thread. I have went from Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy To Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again and now I am here. Question for ya all. Has anyone tried living together in the same house but "separated". W at this time has no job; the housing market sucks so selling the house is a loss. (I would like to find a way to keep it) and we have an 11yo son. SO back to my question has anyone tried this?
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
(((Manuel))) Sorry to see you over here, although I'm glad you can move forward.
As you know H and I were sort of halfway "in house separated" for awhile. It wasn't exactly a planned separation, more of a situation where I got re-bombed and didn't have resources to move out just yet. We ended up acting pretty much separated although sleeping in the same bed for several months. It was not easy, for sure. Then again none of this is.
I've seen some others do this for months or even over a year. InspiredJulie comes to mind. She hasn't posted in ages but her latest would have been on the Surviving board. There have been a few others, I'll try to remember names so you can read how it went. SuperDad maybe?
From what I've read... in order to make it really work I think you have to TRULY live separate lives. Some thoughts:
- You don't need or expect to inform each other of your comings and goings
- You don't plan things around each others' schedules, expect to have your meals together, etc. Sure you can offer to share sometimes if you have enough (like you might with a roommate), but you don't plan for that.
- If you haven't already - divide up the chores, like you would with a room-mate.
- Make sure you each have a room or space that's totally your own. Decorate and arrange your space however you like, without considering what your W would think of it (good or bad). Make it relaxing and a place you truly ENJOY being. If you already like how things are for the most part - just make some small changes so it feels "new" to you.
- Separate your "stuff" as much as possible. Especially in your personal rooms/spaces. i.e. None of your W's stuff is in your room, and none of your stuff is in W's personal space - so you don't have a need to constantly be invading each others' space.
- Set up a parenting schedule so that you each know when you're responsible for your S. Of course you might be "there" at the house with him other times, but know when he's officially your responsibility and when he's hers. That will give you more freedom to come and go - you'll know when you're responsible (and not responsible) for his care.
- Remember that you only control your actions. If you didn't live there you wouldn't even know what W was doing nevermind have a say in it (other than parenting)... so do your best to do this while "separated in home."
I know you guys have already been practically room-mates for awhile now, but to make the "in home sep" work I think you'll have to take it even a step further and act like TRULY room-mates. Did you ever have a time in your life when you didn't really WANT roommates but you had to have them due to money? Try to look at it like you're both there because you can't afford the rent on your own.
At least that's my initial thoughts... hopefully others with more experience will post soon.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Doc - I haven't posted on the boards in several months but your new thread caught my eye. I've been living the "in-house" separation route for (effectively) the past seven years but W wants to make things more official now. You can search on my name to see my previous posts but I really need to get an update here soon...
Me 52, STBEX 52 D 17, S 12 M 20 years Em Sep since 2002, Phys Sep Sept 2009
Thanks for responding. Dayb Actually we have been living like roommates for the past two years. Wife has slept in another room.(that is a whole nether issue).I will look your thread up
KML, I think wife is really still in denial. She has the thought of that person you see driving down the street, turning and changing lanes whenever they want not caring about others on the road just oblivious to the path of destruction they are leaving behind.
I on the other hand have the opposite problem. I am always watching out for the other person. I know my actions affect others and don't want to inconvenience others so I do without. That is why this is going to be so difficult for me.
Unfortunately W will be just happy (well satisfied) living the way we are.
Doc (well I like playing like one)
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
sorry to see you over here Doc.