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#1683199 12/30/08 01:54 PM
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Hello All ~ I've been married for 24 years and on November 20th, my husband packed up all his belongings and moved out. He left me a note on the kitchen table, along with his key and garage door opener. His reasons were that he felt out lives were going in two different directions, I wouldn't let him smoke in the house. But the big one was he was of a different religion (one that he wasn't practicing), and he feels he can't go to heaven if he's married to me. I do practice my faith, but he doesn't believe we can be compatible. Says he still loves me, but thinks the divorce is 'necessary'. I did NOT see this coming, I thought we were on our way to being ok. In fact, we had a very sweet week before he left. the last thing I did was to kiss him goodbye that morning, tell him I loved him, and that I'd see him after I got off work. We took a cruise with friends in Oct, and had a great time.

I don't want this divorce, but am beginning to lose hope. I could use any advice, and I'm just devastated.
Thanks,


~Trying to keep hope alive~
Me-53
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together: Married 24 yrs; together 31
Kids-5 grown (1 D; 4 S)
Bomb: 11/08 (separated ever since)
Joined: Jan 2003
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Hi there, hon - so very sorry you are here.

Heads up - it is very very likely that he is having an affair.

I don't say this to shock you, and I may be wrong, but the scenario you've just described is usually due to either an affair, or some other addiction such as gambling. Given his sudden interest in religion, I wouldn't be surprised to find out the other woman is of his faith!

That being said, if there IS another woman, she is just a symptom of his underlying problem. Usually these men are depressed, and/or going through a midlife crisis. The affair is just the band-aid. For what it's worth, I think men who leave suddenly like yours usually do so because they feel SO guilty about leaving, they cannot face you. That's actually a good thing - on some level, he knows what he's doing is wrong.

I know you must be reeling, but first things first - take care of business. An erratic walkaway spouse (WAS) like this can do things like draining bank accounts, etc. Take some steps to protect yourself financially. If you need to take half of existing savings and transfer them into an account in your name, do so. DO whatever you need to do with credit cards etc. to protect yourself from debts he may run up.

Then - focus on yourself. We can't control what they decide to do, but we CAN be the very best that we can be, we can fix what WE need to fix in ourselves, and we can live a life that's so full and interesting they'll wonder why they ever left.

Hugs.

Ellie

kml #1683643 12/30/08 11:02 PM
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Thanks kml for your insight. So I wonder, if I should even keep some hope. I wondered about an affair, but I don't see any evidence.(yet) I do believe he is depressed, and he does have a problem with substance abuse (which he denies is even a problem). I just don't know what to do - throw in the towel, or keep hoping... There is more to this story - I actually filed for divorce last year, but we reconciled (with some conditions I set down due to substance abuse and other things). I thought we were on our way go a good place, and started relaxing. I don't think we did the work, but I'd given him so many chances over the years, and I'm hurt and totally knocked out by the fact that he didn't talk to me if he was so unhappy. When I talk to him (and I did Sunday), he says he's not happy to live apart from me and possibly for the rest of our lives. He still loves me. But he thinks we should divorce. I don't get his reasoning. I've already taken steps to protect myself financially. And I'm trying to do the last resort techniques. But this is the hardest thing I've had to go thru in my life. So, again, any help would really be appreciate.


~Trying to keep hope alive~
Me-53
H-52
together: Married 24 yrs; together 31
Kids-5 grown (1 D; 4 S)
Bomb: 11/08 (separated ever since)
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 4,715
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Hmmmmm...I would be looking at a possible MLC. You might want to do some reading on that.


Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..

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if I had a penny for each time we all wished the H's would've said how unhappy they were... it's a such a common occurrence on this board you got no idea...
I'ts barely Dec, do NOT loose hope, it is way too early, despite that my own M didnt' survive the second time my H left, I hanged on for 8mths and he did come back (if he didnt' have mental problems we prob would've made it)

It's way too early to give up, I know the pain is unbearable and that you dont' see yourself like this after a month or so, but do not loose hope, take it one hr at a time if you must, but know that you will be ok and that you will make it...even if he doesn't come back.

I too agree with MLC, his excuses sound flimsy, that's what MLC do, rewrite history and just come up with excuses out of thin air.


Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2

30something
2kids
survivor of S, MLC, A, D
I have peace in my heart, at last.
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Oh my! Cat, when you wrote "rewrite history", those were the exact words I said to him. He had said something about even though we'd had good times, most of them were bad, and I told him I wasn't going to allow him to rewrite history. We had wonderful great times. And yes, I think those reasons are not only flimsy, but they're a moving target. One time it's religion, the next time it' I won't let him have his addition, and so on. And earlier this year, he did lose his only friend so that was a big loss. Thank you for putting the time into perspective. I guess a little over a month is really not a long time.

You know, in my head I know it'll be ok eventually, I just wish my heart would catch up...

I've heard the term 'going dark' and I think that means no contact at all. I would like to try to do that, but how can I get around things that I absolutely have to contact him about?


~Trying to keep hope alive~
Me-53
H-52
together: Married 24 yrs; together 31
Kids-5 grown (1 D; 4 S)
Bomb: 11/08 (separated ever since)
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 19
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It's been almost a month since I've had any contact with my spouse (and that contact was initiated by me). And I've been working on myself, and I'm trying not to be discouraged, but need some advice. WAH's birthday is next week, and while I wouldn't think of getting him a present that might be interpreted as pressure to get him to come home, I don't know if I should send him a very generic happy birthday card. I have one that says something like "may the Lord Bless you on your birthday," but I'm having second thoughts on whether to send it or not. I've been 'dark' since the last month, and since he's initiated no contact with me, I just don't know if I should acknowledge his birthay. A part of me wonders if he might think if I don't do anything, that there's some hostility on my part. Any thoughts?.....


~Trying to keep hope alive~
Me-53
H-52
together: Married 24 yrs; together 31
Kids-5 grown (1 D; 4 S)
Bomb: 11/08 (separated ever since)
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 19
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today, I feel so stupid and disappointed in myself. yesterday was Husband's birthday, and he had said (promoted by me, another disappointment in myself), that we could spend some time together. So I waited for a call -- nothing. When I got out of work, I had a flat tire, so I called him for help. He was making dinner for himself, and said he had decided to spend his birthday by himself, and I got kind of upset, since that's not what he said. but he still agreed to come help me out. I 'should' have said just thanks for the help, but no..... I engaged in one of those conversations asking for some reassurance. And everything in me was screaming... JUST WALK AWAY. but I didn't. So now, although, it wasn't a 'bad' conversation, I'm SO disappointed, that I didn't remain neutral, that i didn't just keep it light. And I just hate that I probably put my whole sitch back a notch... what IS it in me that I seem to sabotage the good work I've been doiong?? And how do you recover from that? I'm just so disgusted with myself!


~Trying to keep hope alive~
Me-53
H-52
together: Married 24 yrs; together 31
Kids-5 grown (1 D; 4 S)
Bomb: 11/08 (separated ever since)
Joined: Dec 2004
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((Indigo))
We all have setbacks/backslides. You can't undo what you did, but you can forgive yourself and move forward.

I am curious, is in he recovery for his 'addicition'? Is it only that you wouldn't let him smoke in the house? If he is NOT in recovery, this may be the time he needs to work thru that. Also, unfortunately, I agree w/kml that it sounds like there may be an OW. It doesn't *really* matter, per se, only that when a WAS is in the 'fog' of a new relationship, there isn't much you can do except work on yourself and become the 'greener grass'.

Going back to the substance abuse issue-have you gone to any al-anon meetings? They may be good for you.

I don't really have any great advice accept turn the focus back to you, check out al-anon or CoDA, and do NOT beat yourself up for a backslide. If he is still using, you probably don't want to get mixed back up with it anyway. He needs to hit his rock bottom.


Me-43
H-46
M 12 yrs 7/09
T 15
2 grown kids
bomb 7/05/07
H moved out 8/04/07
11/22/09 told him I quit;let's get ball rolling
Mid Dec- he isn't sure he wants D
End 2/2010-Starting to consider piecing
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Thank you Trixi for your encouragement. I've been working on forgiving myself, but it's SO hard. I've been 2 seconds from weeping all morning, and very glad no one is in the office today to see all this.

He's not thinking of recovery, doesn't think he has a problem. In fact, yesterday when he was helping with my tire, he was reeking of marijuana. He doesn't see a problem with that, or his drinking. (2 24-packs every couple of days)

Today -- and I CAN do this -- I called al-anon to check on meetings. My daughter is having substance abuse problems as well, and I feel like I'm drowning with all this stuff going on. But at least, I can have some control over my response to this. Thank you again for your help.


~Trying to keep hope alive~
Me-53
H-52
together: Married 24 yrs; together 31
Kids-5 grown (1 D; 4 S)
Bomb: 11/08 (separated ever since)
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