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A Message from Michele
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Anger = Healing? #1680912
12/25/08 05:07 PM
12/25/08 05:07 PM
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 182
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Livin4ME Offline OP
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Livin4ME  Offline OP
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It so funny the different stages to healing and how just when you think you're on your way, more emotions pop up.
I thought I was well on my way to healing. And maybe I am, but it hurts so bad. I am so angry! And that makes me even angrier! lol
I know my M is over. For me, there will never be a chance of reconciliation. And you would think that after everything that has already happened, I wouldn't be this mad. That I would be past the anger. But the last month or so, it's just gotten worse. I don't like the word hate. I think that life is too short for hatred, but ya know, I really hate him right now. I think that I pushed my anger away for so long and now it's finally all coming out and I can't push it away anymore. I can't even look at him without wanting to say something that hurts him. I can be fine and as soon as I see him when he picks up the kids, its like a switch that goes off in me.
Today is hard. He picked up the kids. My family is in a different state. The few friends I have are with their families. I have his parents here, but they're HIS parents. I'm just a mess today. And I was fine until he picked up the kids. As soon as they left, I started crying. And it didn't help that he gave me a present from the kids that I know SHE bought. I don't want it! They didn't pick it out. They didn't give it to me. I'd rather have them here and getting their hugs and kisses than the stupid body lotion sample pack she paid for! I'm half tempted to put it in a different gift bag and hand it back to him tonight when he drops the kids off. Give a new meaning to regifting!
I talked to my dad about it and he says to put it in the closet with the Mother's Day gift she paid for. (Which is the SAME friggin thing) He says, "Be the better person." But I'm tired of being the better person! He says when I move outta the house, leave it in the closet so when she moves her stuff in, she'll see it.
And no stores are open today! So I can't even do retail therapy! lol I'm a mess!
I just hope this is the 'peak' of this particular stage in the healing process. Are the others this raw and painful?


Me- 29
X - 30
M - 7.5 years
Final April 2009
S - 2005
D - 2007


Don't make someone a priority who only makes you an option.

A wise fish once said...Just keep swimming...Just keep swimming!
Re: Anger = Healing? [Re: Livin4ME] #1680924
12/25/08 05:26 PM
12/25/08 05:26 PM
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 1,474
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chicki Offline
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(((((((L4M))))))))


Its true time will make yr pain less and less.
I have been @ this a little longer than you & this is my first Xmas w/out my girls. I was sad for a breif moment last nite b/c I was missing them (only the girls). I was not in the same position last Xmas, still hoping X would be w/us all.

For some reason all those stages people refer to that us LBSrs go thru, well the anger, I have not gone thru for or stayed @ for very long. I dont know if its b/c I forgave X from the very start of the A & felt God smiled down @ me for it but.....just give it time.....

I went into work this morning so I can be distracted for I knew that pain would set in whenever I got the kids call, which it did. D11 was surprised OW told them to call their mom to wish me a happy Xmas (barf) yeah right....i know she wants to shoove it in my face thats all, so I can hear what all HER family got them.

I wont see my kids until this Sunday nite , so I told them we will celebrate Xmas then. X was already trying to pawn the girls back off one day early but I will be off all next week and I had plans to celebrate my BFF bday that nite anyways, told him no.Heck you can make EVRYDAY XMAS!!!

Go & do something to distract yrself.

Sending you lots of love!

Re: Anger = Healing? [Re: chicki] #1681021
12/26/08 12:31 AM
12/26/08 12:31 AM
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Livin4ME Offline OP
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Well, I went out and hit CVS, the only place that was open! lol Spent some time at my inlaws too...I feel alot better than I did.
I thought I had forgiven stbx for all the old stuff and was working on the newer stuff. But I think what I did was just pushed it aside, like I have always done when he cheated. Just pushed it aside and moved on. And I think this is showing that.
It's not so much I'm mad for each affair, or each thing. I think it's just everything in general, ya know. Everything has built up to this. I've pushed everything down and now I'm exploding, ya know. And that makes me even more mad. I'm mad at myself for letting myself get this far.
I just need to keep my emotions in check. It's hard right now. I miss my kids. Usually, they cheer me up when I'm having a down moment. S3 was so sweet one day, he heard me and stbx arguing on the phone and he gave me the biggest hug and kiss and then painted me a picture. So sweet!
Thanks chicki, I always feel better after reading your posts!


Me- 29
X - 30
M - 7.5 years
Final April 2009
S - 2005
D - 2007


Don't make someone a priority who only makes you an option.

A wise fish once said...Just keep swimming...Just keep swimming!
Re: Anger = Healing? [Re: Livin4ME] #1681393
12/26/08 11:51 PM
12/26/08 11:51 PM
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 4,805
East coast
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cat03 Offline
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yet again I'll peddle 'healed withoutg scars' to help you deal with this hurt.
I too thought I'd forgiven him but anger about all the crap he's put me through rises now and then, and I had to admit i hadn't really forgiven him. My forgiveness is slow and weak, I prayed for God's forgiveness to give to him, onlythen did i start feeling I was releasing myself from that anger I felt.
I hear you hon))))))))))) it hurts, but remember that forgiveness is a process, it is not instant, it takes time, so give yourself some credit, it was pretty awful stuff you and I went through.
I also had to drop kids off, at leasts for a few hrs, and it felt awful, but it passed, sorry you felt bad yesterday))))))))))

Know that you WILL be fine, that you WILL be stronger and a better person. Your dad sounds like a wise person, listen to him \:\) I hope today finds you in better spirits.


Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2

30something
2kids
survivor of S, MLC, A, D
I have peace in my heart, at last.
Re: Anger = Healing? [Re: cat03] #1681650
12/27/08 04:29 PM
12/27/08 04:29 PM
Joined: Sep 2007
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Livin4ME Offline OP
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Thanks cat, I do feel better today. It helps that it's over 50 outside already! lol hopefully it will melt the foot of snow we have on the ground!
I think forgiveness is the hardest thing...but I know I have to give that in order to move on.
I know we all have felt the same way I did the other day. So raw, so hurt, so exposed and so lonely. I'm thankful that I have a place to go to and talk about it with people that have been there. Thanks guys!
I'm getting there...one small step at a time.


Me- 29
X - 30
M - 7.5 years
Final April 2009
S - 2005
D - 2007


Don't make someone a priority who only makes you an option.

A wise fish once said...Just keep swimming...Just keep swimming!
Re: Anger = Healing? [Re: Livin4ME] #1681701
12/27/08 06:29 PM
12/27/08 06:29 PM
Joined: Jan 2007
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lovelyolive Offline
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I get soooo pissed off angry at times, too. Usually right before I have a complete emotional breakdown and cry for a day. Then..I get myself together and keep going. Like cat said.. I think it's a process. You see little changes like the anger not lasting as long or felt as deep and then, you know it's part of your healing.

All in all.. I think the holidays just make it all harder.. I felt so angry before Christmas because of how wrong it is for kids to have to split up their time between Mom and Dad. AND, that they have to even spend one minute with a ho.. UGH!!

Re: Anger = Healing? [Re: Livin4ME] #1681749
12/27/08 08:37 PM
12/27/08 08:37 PM
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 9,035
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whatisis Offline
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Livin4ME, the others have said it all, it takes time and just when you think you've got it beat, it jumps up to bite you in the butt again! Don't worry, it's normal and especially at this time of year. One way I dealt with my anger was keeping focused on making the best of the situation for my kids. If I let loose at STBX every time my anger arose my kids would end up the victims, to her it would just be another confirmation as to why she didn't want me anymore (not that anger problems had anything to do with our S, just to be clear). Now, because I have been able to deal with my hurt and anger to a large degree, I was able to spend Xmas with my kids and my STBX. Yes, we celebrated together. We had a great day as a family, in fact, I slept over on Christmas Eve so I'd be there when the kids awoke. In the afternoon we went to my parents, again as a family, to celebrate there too. Now, I have no idea whether such an arrangement would be good or desirable for you but I only bring it up to show that the anger can be put to rest and better days can lie ahead. Hang in there!


Divorced February 27, 2012.

"Only by love is love awakened".~ Ellen G White
Re: Anger = Healing? [Re: whatisis] #1683323
12/30/08 04:20 PM
12/30/08 04:20 PM
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 182
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Livin4ME Offline OP
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So this is way off the main topic here, but I was just watching The View. They said there was a survey taken regarding cheating. They said only 1% blamed the other woman and then they got off on some tangent about that. But I was wondering. Who here blames the OW/OM? Or do you hold WAS completely responsible?
In my sitch, I hold STBX primarily responsible, but I also hold OW responsible. At first I didn't. But after everything is said and done, I do. Anyone else?


Me- 29
X - 30
M - 7.5 years
Final April 2009
S - 2005
D - 2007


Don't make someone a priority who only makes you an option.

A wise fish once said...Just keep swimming...Just keep swimming!
Re: Anger = Healing? [Re: Livin4ME] #1683578
12/30/08 09:33 PM
12/30/08 09:33 PM
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 9,035
Canada
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whatisis Offline
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Originally Posted By: Livin4ME
So this is way off the main topic here, but I was just watching The View. They said there was a survey taken regarding cheating. They said only 1% blamed the other woman and then they got off on some tangent about that. But I was wondering. Who here blames the OW/OM? Or do you hold WAS completely responsible?
In my sitch, I hold STBX primarily responsible, but I also hold OW responsible. At first I didn't. But after everything is said and done, I do. Anyone else?


Here's a thought, why does it matter? Let's say we all figure out who is to blame WAS or OW/OM or whatever, how does that change anything? It is what it is, a sh!tty situation that we all must make the best of. Personally, I don't care who is more to blame, I forgive them both and move on. I'll let God figure out the judgement stuff. That's what's best for my life and the life of my kids...end of story!


Divorced February 27, 2012.

"Only by love is love awakened".~ Ellen G White
Re: Anger = Healing? [Re: whatisis] #1686380
01/03/09 06:45 PM
01/03/09 06:45 PM
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 182
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Livin4ME Offline OP
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ok guys, I need your prayers tomorrow. New Years Eve my MIL's sister died of a massive heart attack, tomorrow is the funeral. MIL wants me there and I want to be there for her. STBX is bringing OW. Perfect timing for introductions seeing as emotions are going to be so high.
I'm very upset by this because I feel stbx is drawing a line tomorrow. Neither one of us have ever asked his family to choose sides. Thru all of this, they have welcomed me on all occasions and been there for me because my family lives so far away. I do not ask what stbx is up to, what they've talked about with him, nor do I ask them to speak to him about our relationship. It's none of my business and I respect their relationship with him. I've grown very close to them all, especially his mother. He on the other hand, has distanced himself a great deal from his family.
I understand this is HIS family and he has every right to bring her. And if MIL had not asked me to be there with her, I would only make an appearance before they arrived. But she has insisted that I be there with her for the duration of the day. And like I said, I want to be there with her.
The thing is, his family has made it quite clear that they want nothing to do with OW until the D is final. FIL had the opportunity to meet her last summer at my house and he refused. Instead, having me bring the kids out to the front so he could see them while stbx and OW stayed in the back yard.
He brought OW to the hospital and back to his aunt's house the night she died. OW sat in the car the whole time. He asked his mom if she could come in and she said no. Knowing all this and why he would still bring her to the funeral is beyond me. And I find it quite disrepectful to his family.
And to be honest, I feel he's drawing the line saying, "this is MY family. WE are here now, you can leave." And I feel that even tho his family has insisted they will not having anything to do with her until it's final, he is pushing her on them.
So I'm asking for prayers for tomorrow, not only for the family as they mourn their loved one, but also for myself. I pray that God gives me a clear head to be there for MIL, courage to be there for her, and guidance on how to handle the situation.


Me- 29
X - 30
M - 7.5 years
Final April 2009
S - 2005
D - 2007


Don't make someone a priority who only makes you an option.

A wise fish once said...Just keep swimming...Just keep swimming!
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