Being content for now.

[TRUSTING]

Huge progress.

Huge progress.

[kissak]

Thanks Trusting.

I feel it is huge progress. We talked more today about things. He is so confused. How will he ever get passed the "what ifs"?

He is so scared to come home. He is scared that the feelings wont come back. What do I tell him? I dont know the answer. He did ask what would it take for him to want to come home. I said What I wanted was for him to be able to say that he would be willing to do whatever it takes no matter how hard for us to get to the other side. He agreed.

He keeps asking me what Im thinking. Im exhausted from thinking right now. We are getting along so great right now and I know exactly what he says when he says "it bothers him more for me to go out with someone than it does him not being here". I feel the same way. I hurt when I know he has gone out with someone, but I dont necessarily want him back home. Can anyone explain that better for me and him to understand?

[TRUSTING]

I would really reinforce his effort right now.
I would assure him that he has to do this at his own pace.
He has to be 100 percent to come home, maybe that means that he spends time alone for a while, just concentrating on him getting better. No dating or female friends.
Confusion is a normal part of depression. Maybe he would benefit now from learning about what depression is and what it looks like.
As depression is lifted, feelings tend to return.
I huge part in getting to this point is for him to realize and admit he has a problem.

[stella_k]

Kissak,

hi and congrats on the great progress!

Your R talk sounds really good to me and your H seems to be emerging from his depression. Now you should protect yourself and keep your expectations really low as MLCers tend to cave after taking such a huge step forward.

My H has told me that he's going to break up with OW and come back to me FOR SURE really soon and asked me to hold on just a bit longer. He also hugged me and said ILY. It was a MONTH ago and he never spoke about leaving OW again. He just plunged right back into his depression. And, of course, I was greatly agitated after such a breakthrough and I've got impatient and tried to put some pressure on him. My mistake! Now he's deep in the cave and I'm back to "no expectations" mode.

I wish you luck!

[kissak]

Thanks Guys...My H has done this before, only difference with it this time is that the OW has gotten remarried and is out of the picture for sure! He has made new female friends, but his therapist has told him he needs to make MALE friends. I am doing this at his pace. But I feel like he wants me to say some magic word that will make him come home. This is however the longest time He has stayed to the same thought for more than a couple of weeks. I think We are better friends now, but he is afraid that is all we will ever be. Again, I dont know what to tell him. I told him that my heart is guarded well this time and that I dont have the same "inlove" feelings as I did before. He asked how do I know they will come back...I said because I want them to and I will have to let my guard down first. We both want the same things. Happiness. He keeps asking me why Im so understanding about his confusion and everything. What can I say? That Ive read up on the subject? lol.

I do believe he is depressed somewhat. But thankfully he sees a therapist every week and she is telling him he is not ready and I agree with that. But I dont know her reasons for telling him that. He doesnt agree with all that his therapist says. He told me that even his parents have sat him down and told him he needs to go home. But I dont know if thats because they truly mean it or just want him out of their camper! Probably both.

[HeartScared]

Kissak,

I just wanted to let you know that I too think your making great progress. I am praying for you two!

[mishka422]

((((Kissak))))))

I am praying for you and your H to find your peace. The strength you have gained over the last year+ stands out in your posts. Keep the faith!

[kissak]

Thanks You guys...but I am scared. Scared he is going to go back into his cave. He missed his therapy yesterday. He had to work late so he didnt get to go. He was so down yesterday. He doesnt know what to do. He just wants everyone to be happy, but he doesnt want to hurt me and the kids again.

But, I know I will be ok no matter what. He however, I dont think he will find peace if he doesnt come back. I believe he will always wonder if he did the right thing. I feel bad for him that he is so confused.

I finally got a copy of that movie Fireproof...Im wondering if I should let him watch it. He is a firefighter/emt, so he might be able to relate some. I dont know.

Well, gotta go work on V-day stuff. Pray for me!

[kissak]

Well, I got through this day. Glad its over.

I did get a card from my H. For the first time in 2 years he gave me a card that was signed "love H". Love. Thats right...love. I couldnt believe it. It wasnt a mushy wife card. It was just a friendship kinda card. Something you would give your best friend...but I will take the Love part as quite a baby step.

Then he hurt my feelings because he said he forgot that I had invited him to a church thing....I dont think he forgot. But he said he was invited to go eat with some "friends". He knew it hurt my feelings and told me he was sorry.

Oh I did get a kiss on the cheek too. In front of the kids. I gave him a card that said something about I only wanted for happiness to find its way into his heart. I signed that I truley meant that. He said he was surprised by that. DOnt know what that meant.

Anyway...Im still ticked that he took someone elses invite over mine....oh well.

[kissak]

I told my H today that my main concern for letting him come home is that I want to trust him, but not sure if I can or will. I want to, but the thing is that he may perfectly well be doing what he says, well, what if I dont believe him simply because? Thats what Im afraid of. I dont want to get into arguments because of just not believing him. He told me he understood and that he wanted me to trust him, but that if I didnt think I would be able to I needed to let him know now.

He keeps telling me how confused he is. He told me last night that I didnt know how many times he had picked up the phone to call me so say "I wanna come home", and then started analyzing it all and hung up. His therapist told him that he wasnt going to be the type of person to come back on a leap of faith, that he needed to know for sure and that what he cant figure out.

He leaves the therapist with more questions and confused thoughts, yet I know he wants to come home, he is just scared to. I understand.

Now, I hear today that the exOW who got married back in Nov is having problems in her marriage. Ugh, that's all we need is for her to start calling my H again. He does tell his therapist and me that he is over her now. I believe him ,but that wouldnt stop her from calling him.

We did discuss how he and I need to be careful of who we make friends with of the opposite sex and how that can lead to other things. He agreed with me. I told him of my concern with him being friends with this certain other woman.

Well, we had a good talk last night. I did tell him that I wasnt rushing him into anything and that he shouldnt be so hard on himself, its like he is rushing to make a decision. But the thing that is sticking with him is what I told him long ago....I wont wait forever. And I shouldnt. But to me, the 2 years I have already waited was well worth it.