Donna you have grown SO much. You are doing great. As you continue to grow and move forward you will only be better for it. Learn from the past but do not dwell on what MIGHT have happened if you had done things differently.
Originally Posted By: oldtimer
Right about so very much in that post, but wrong on one point.
Your children will BENEFIT from your what you have gone through and your growth. You are the one that is growing past co-dependence. You are the one who can show your kids how to live in a different way. I don't think XH is there -- my bet is that he traded one co-dependent R for another.
Because of you, your children have MORE of a chance to be more whole than they ever had before.
That is great ot. I am going to remember that for myself also.
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
Excellent post as usual Donna. You are so eloquent in expressing yourself and your feelings through your journey. Thank you so much for putting yourself "out there" so the rest of us might learn from your discoveries.
I think OT is exactly right about the kids learning to be better people who will make better choices for themselves because of the way you are living now. They are still young and impressionable. Living with dignity and respect will teach them to do the same.
Love you sis!!!!!
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
It doesn't matter if he was sick or not.He made his choices based on what he wanted.
You however are not lacking in anything.You did what you did to save your marriage.For you and the children.Nothing wrong with that.As far as I can see that is not selfish.You wanted what was best for your family.Honey whats selfish about that?
So what if you didn't do it by the book.Maybe it's time for you to forgive yourself for the things you feel guiltly about.Notice I did not say for what you did wrong.You had real feelings and you acted on them.Once again nothing wrong with that.
Your not perfect but you are far from a failure.You love your family.What more do you want from yourself.Your already a good woman.No one can ask for more.
Later Friend Briget
The grass is always greener over the septic tank... Erma Bombeck
Treat hate with Love... DR. Martin Luther King
stop beating yourself up!! you will never ever know when/what/how things went wrong with 100% accuracy, only GOd knows what factors led things to what they are now, you think it was mostly you, what about him? didn't he vowed to love and honor 'til death? I too did things to hurt my marriage, but I did them out of ignorance (giving my kids more time, worrying about the home) what those men did was just plain heinous (being with ow while lying to our faces). I never deceived stbx in such a horrible and hurtful way, never hid cells/outings/dinner with an op.
I know it is natural to cry over spilled milk, but press the forward button on the past and get up hon, GOd wants you to live an abundanta life, a blessed life, and can't wait to bless you, but you have to believe, and let go, and forgive yourself.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Cat, you are right, of course. It was more about me, though. Coming to the realization of what codependency does. I was lamenting what I did, let's say differently, than what so many others recommended as giving the best chances to reconcile. But I could not have done it differently, as the person who I was.
It is painful to change at such a deep level, even when the changes are for good. I am not healed completely, and I have not stopped changing (hope that I always continue to grow, actually). But I am becoming whole on my own.
I can say that I will never love another man as I love (loved?) him. And that isn't necessarily a bad thing. It will just be different. Maybe in the future, I will come to see it as the healthier stance (a nod to OT). Right now, because I only know one way, I am sad to see it go, to let it go, and know that it won't be that way again. It was comfortable, and I was happy. I miss that love in my life. I thought I was receiving the same as I was giving (unconditional love), and that wasn't the case in the end at all.
We will see what comes into my life in the future. I will try to not label it better or worse until I live it.
Now, I'm going off to my women's spirituality group to talk about Rahab-the-Harlot. Should be interesting
stop beating yourself up!! you will never ever know when/what/how things went wrong with 100% accuracy,
Donna..you and I are a lot alike in one way..we think to much...we need to make a pact..think less GAL more..or at least have more fun..inside our heads all the time could make us partially batchitt crazy..