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Donna - You are amazinly enlightened and handling all of this so well. I'm really impressed.

As far as Grandma's house for Christmas.....that may be too much too soon don't you think? Like you said, you want to have a happy holiday so why put yourself in that kind of a situation where you will feel that kind of tension? Can you and the kids go see her the day after Christmas or over the weekend? I would think that would be much more comfortable for everyone.

I understand not letting him off the hook, but why put yourself on one?

Now, get to bed sweetie!


T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43
bomb12/4/07
PA5/07
S12/26/07
D final 11/17/08
Back together with no defined R 05/2010
confused....to say the least!!!

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(((Donna)))

I realize I haven't posted to you in AGES - been kinda taking a break from the boards - but I think about you all the time. For some reason I was compelled to read up on you tonight and WOW - I am so impressed with how well you're doing.

Do you realize you're talking about having a wonderful Christmas and you know that you CAN and WILL? It's not just talk. The Donna that first came here couldn't have even fathomed it was possible, nevermind made it happen.

And I think maybe the reason I was compelled to read tonight... you may or may not have been reading up on me at this time last year, but around mid October I got "rebombed" and was pretty sure it was over. I agonized about what to do for Thanksgiving for WEEKS. Finally a D'd friend I work with told me to think about all possible scenarios and think about which one would make me happy (and least stressed). All of a sudden the choice became VERY easy.

I hosted breakfast with my family that H chose to attend - then while H went off to his family's event, a friend and I cooked dinner and let our dogs play, watched movies, talked, hung out, drank wine... I can honestly say it was probably one of my best Thanksgivings since I was a kid! Because I followed my heart on what was best for *me* at the time. And what's best for you is most likely best for your kids, too.

So that's my advice... run all the scenarios through in your head. Picture it in your mind - which picture are you smiling a genuine smile? Which one are you anxious, or faking a smile, or wishing you'd chosen something else? You said yourself you are ready to ENJOY Christmas this year. What's the best way to do that?

I have a feeling I know what the answer will be but of course you have to think about it for yourself. \:\)

I'm so proud of you, you sound wonderful!!


Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7
Bomb 1 10/07/06
Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15
Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07
Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate
2/08 slowly improving
7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!)
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Thank you so much, Mish...I am just about off to bed. D wants to get up early to wrap her cookies!

Nikki - No, I hadn't been reading for a while (I love you, but it was hard for a bit to read about someone making it when I was clearly not ever going to). I am so sorry to hear about the re-bomb! I will be reading up on you over the break that I am SO looking forward to!!! I am in a much different place this year, aren't I?

And I think you know which way I am leaning...now, I am wondering if I should fill great-grandma in on some of the backstory, or just bow out gracefully with a scheduled time to get together....

Thinking...what would be my motive for explaining myself to GG? What would I like her to understand, and why? Am I trying to look less like a b!tch, or less crazy? Do I seem bitter by not going? Is it about me at all, or that bizarre part of me that keeps trying to find ways to have influence in X's life?

Processing.....

night all. Much love to you and yours, in case I miss anyone.

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Donna...hun...I'll be the first to admit that I don't know your whole story. However, I think you don't owe anyone anything anymore.

This is your time now. You don't need to worry about anyone but your kids and yourself. Stop suffering and start living. You deserve it. Your kids deserve it.


Scott: 38
X: 39
M: 13yrs D: 12/12/08
S9, D8, S6
MLC/EA/PA
Bomb: 8/10/06 S: 01/07 Asked for D: 05/07 Mediation 07/07

"And when all's been said and done
It's the things that are given, not won
Are the things that you want"
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Donna, didn't read the responses you got, but I say do not go. Don't. Visit GG on your own, after the holidays. You are welcome, of course you are. However, do not cause yourself more pain. You aren't letting him 'off the hook' by not going, just like you wouldn't be 'punishing' him by going.

Do what YOU want and feel up for. I don't think you are up for it. I wasn't up to and declined Thanksgiving invites from my x-inlaws. Was the right choice for me.

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Donna,

I agree with the others who have posted on this. The holidays should be a time of joy, not a time of added stress in your life. There is absolutely no reason to put yourself in an environment that will make you uncomfortable. I don't think you owe anyone, including GG, any detailed explanation other than you cannot make it that day and perhaps the visit to her can be rescheduled. Happy holidays to you and your family.

S4H

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me too Donna..I think you should not go..I say make this Xmas the best you can for you and the kids..you can visit GG after the holidays..

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Donna - you sure are!

You may still not want to read up on my latest... it might be painful for you and definitely not worth it! You've had enough pain. The short version is - yes, got rebombed in October 07... but the good news is things turned around again this year. Ups and downs of course but right now things are improving.

There, just saved you hours of reading. \:\)

Hooray for breaks!! How much time do you have off?


Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7
Bomb 1 10/07/06
Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15
Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07
Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate
2/08 slowly improving
7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!)
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i'd say graciously decline and stop your "wondering aloud" which seems to be your code for "going places i know i shouldn't go and saying things i shouldn't say to members of X's family and trying to manipulate things into going my way to win in the end" ;\)

Merry Christmas! Have a great one and don't worry about the bizarre late invite.


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Oh, Nikki, I thought it was October THIS year!! I have read since then...and glad that things are in a good place for you \:\) I was really looking into going to your New Year's party, but time got away from me, and my vacation will be broken up with back and forth time with the kids. I had 1/2 day today, and don't go back until the 5th.

My friends, I am agreeing with you - we aren't going to go. I anticipate being labeled bitter, still hung up on him and not strong, not putting the kids first, blah blah, blah.

lwb, I was actually looking at this directly opposite of how you posted it:
Quote:
You aren't letting him 'off the hook' by not going, just like you wouldn't be 'punishing' him by going.


I think if I WENT, he would feel off the hook. Hey, see, everything turned out just fine for us all - no damage done! We can all still be one happy family for appearances sake. His family wants to see my kids, he can schlep them down there, or they can come up and visit here. Maybe actually call me once in a while to say hi, how are you?
But I'm also not trying to "punish" him by keeping the kids away from him or his family, either...this is all about me. I really don't want to have to take 3 xanax to make it through my holiday, you know?

GG said that I have to face him sometime. Right now, I am thinking that he doesn't deserve to be around me and the kids (although I always stick to the visitation plan). It is coming out as black-and-white thinking right now, I know it. But either fix it or just go away... In all his actions, it seems that he has just tried to cut me out of his life with a scalpel and replace me with this other woman and her kids. He even kept some of the traditions that we started together, just plugging her into my place. It is twisted.

The reality is that they all want to play happy family, like nothing at all has changed - after all, what has really changed for THEM? If I show up with the kids and he is there, we can all pretend that everything is just fine. They don't see us going home in separate cars, him to a girlfriend that he started an affair with. They don't have to think about what kind of person he really is, able to lie in the face of those who loved and trusted him most, threatening his then-wife's life, leaving me to die on more than one occasion. No, he is still good-guy Chuck, right? After all, he LOOKS the same, and well, he never brings HER up, so everyone can just have "a nice visit."
My BIL hit it right on the head when he said to his mom, "Well, Chuck didn't do anything to me..." Yep, he's right.

****

On another note, S13 and I got into a fight just before the kids were heading to their dad's for the overnight. He has been throwing this defiant thing around, questioning every decision that I make or ignoring me all together. Like going up to the bus stop with no coat on in 10 degree weather. Telling me he'll "do it later" when asked to do something. All normal teenage stuff. But not the time I want to get into it with him.

I am going to pay attention to the timing of these things, too...seems to be when he is stressed about visiting his dad. But how do I balance that out, while still getting him to respect my authority? Well, if it wasn't stress about this, I guess it would be another trigger that stressed him out and brought out the beast!

So, its quiet for 24 hours. I am setting up the nativity tonight. The kids will look for the baby in the cradle when they get up on Christmas morning, and I'll switch out the Three Kings on camel-back for them giving thanks in the manger on 1/6. I have a Fontanini set, and I love reading the stories that come with each figure as I set them out every year.

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