W took D17 to the Dentist this afternoon. In a nutshell D17 had some cavities and got upset. Dentist said it was unusual to have as many as she had and maybe it was acid reflux. But then the dentist said it was unlikely because she has no other symptoms.
D17 started to cray and W said "Well we'll take you to Dr N (her holistic dr) and she can figure it out". D17 got angry and said she didn't want to see Dr N because she thinks she's a quack.
W told her that she was wrong, and then an argument ensued at the Dentists.
They came home and it was clear they had both been crying. It was 4 pm so W asked me if it was ok if she started her 'thursday evening with the girls' now. D17 Asked if that meant she was staying and I said 'sure' and left the room. At this point I didn't know what had happened.
D17 came into my office crying and told me the story. She said that W disrespects her and it's always "Her way or the highway".
A couple minutes W came in and was upset because D13 told her she didn't want to do 'decorating' with her because she doesn't live here. Now W is saying both girls hate her and think I am the better parent. D17 is crying and tells her that they don't hate her, and that my name was never mentioned nor was "Dad is a better parent"
So they blew up and rehashed all the past arguments they've had. I stayed out of it. When there was a pause I told W that I felt that decorating the house was crossing my boundary, and I asked the girls what they thought and they said they wanted a low key Christmas.
So she got upset and said "Well what am I supposed to do? I don't have any decorations. I could take some of ours but the girls won't come over to P's house."
Then D17 said "We would but you never ask us to!"
That started another round between the two of them, and W walked out of my office. D17 yelled at her "You always walk away instead of taking to me!" W kept going. D17 started sobbing, saying "I'm the worst daughter in the world! My mom hates me!"
I held her for a while, then left to go find W who was in the kitchen crying. I told her that she has a daughter in the other room who thinks that she hates her and that she's a bad daughter. I said "You need to go talk to her". She said "I try but she yells at me!" I said "Well suck it up and don't yell back. Everyone here is hurting because of the situation we're in because of your choices."
So, she screams "Well it's just great that I end up out of the house and you get away scott free after all you've done! I should be here with the girls instead of being out of the house!"
I said "You're out of the house because you decided being with OM was more important than your family."
She said that that's not why, and it's unfair that SHE ends up out when I'm the one who abandoned her emotionally for years.
I said that she needed to go talk to D17, who by then had walked by and went to her bedroom.
Of course, D13 is upstairs and hears her mother yelling which scares her. W goes upstairs to talk to D13, who as usual rejects her and tells her to leave her alone.
W comes downstairs and says that she's leaving because nobody wants her around tonight. I stop her at the door and tell her that's not true, that there is a lot of hurt going around here and she needs to help with the healing.
So she says "What can I do, I'm not here to be in their lives and YOU are. " I said that's your choice, I don't want a divorce, the kids don't want a divorce."
She says "You don't understand Frank, I lost all my respect for you years ago when you started drinking. I just didn't know how to leave."
So it turns into an R talk. Basically she 'understands' that I was hurting, but I don't understand that she was hurting because she thought I didn't want her. I explain that I didn't want ME or respect ME and anyone around me.
That during her affair 3 years ago I stopped drinking, I carried all of us emotionally and I couldn't do it any more. She says "Yes, I'm not the kind of person who should be with you because I can't fulfill those needs, I can't be married to you. I don't want to belong to anybody and I don't think I'll ever regain that respect for you"
Then she says "I respect who you are as a person, and when I talk to people who don't even know you I tell them what a great man you are. I think this is an opening for you, a turning point in your life and you're going to go on to great things. I'm just not the right person for you."
Then she says "You know you don't really want me, you haven't wanted me or respected me for a long time. And you'll never get over the affairs."
She is in her calm, I know I'm right, voice.
My last comment to her is that we didn't respect each other because we didn't respect ourselves. we were both hurting and neither was capable of helping the other.
She says "Yes, but you think that because we 'understand' what went wrong that we can fix it. I think that it shouldn't be fixed".
With that she left the room.
about 10 minutes later she calls to tell me that she is going to McD's to get D13 something. Then she asks if she can pick up something for me. I said thanks and told her what I would like.
She said that afterwards she was going home since D13 didn't want to hang out with her.
So, what did I learn? I learned that she doesn't respect me yet tells people what a great guy I am. She is angry that I apparently got a 'free pass' and get to live in my house while she struggles. And that she has had a vision of me living some great and wonderful life without her.
She came back with the burgers. Hung around a few minutes and talked to me in the kitchen about the girls.
Then she ate her burger and started to leave. She said in her quiet voice, "well have a good night". I said "You too". Then as I was walking away she says "Don't forget your burger". I said "I won't forget".
Hold off on the boundary talk for another day. Your W's mind is not running on all gears today.
Talk to a lawyer, but I am pretty sure that since she has left the house, you have a good chance of staying with it.
The boundary talk has been done. she knows she doesn't live here and has no moral right to act as if she does.
She even asked me if it was still ok for her to wash her massage sheets on Thursdays when she's here for the evening. I told her that was fine. The boundary has been set.
I'm not worried about the house. It would cause us great hardship to live separately and the house is below the mortgage value so selling is not an option. She COULD move back in any time since she is 1/2 owner. She won't though. she's afraid and ashamed.
First of all Frank, you handled D17 and your statements to your wife regarding Christmas very well.
I'm sorry for all the arguing that went on but I noted 3 things that I think are important.
1) Your girls and their mother have got to find a way to communicate with one another and YOU have to stay out of that relationship. Trust me, it's one more stressor that you don't need. Let your wife carry that burden. If she ignores it, that's on her. You just need to be there for the girls when they need to vent.
2) Your wife told you what she felt about being emotionally abandoned by you when you were falling. So it is what it is. Now you have to deal with the guilt and regret you have over that and that's just going to take some time. That perceived failure on your part is feeding enormously into your lack of self esteem. Please, please, please make this the focus of your counseling! It's the root of most everything that troubles you, I think.
3) She never once mentioned love. Only respect. Specifically, having lost respect for you. This is very telling of how she needs to be propped up & carried by a man. NO ONE needs this kind of person sucking the life out of them Frank, which is what she has basically done to you. SHE is warped and YOU can't fix her. You can and should pray for her. But you absolutely can NOT fix her. And you didn't do this to her, either. This was in her LONG before she met you. It's just NOT your cross to bear.
This is the time for Frank.
Find out who he is.
Who you want him to become.
Why he is wonderful and unique and worthy of love.
Stop being your own punching bag.
No, you didn't get here by yourself.
But you can damn sure decide by yourself that you're not staying here.
Believe it!
Again, I'm sorry about all the arguing and the emotional upheaval, too.
Hold off on the boundary talk for another day. Your W's mind is not running on all gears today.
Talk to a lawyer, but I am pretty sure that since she has left the house, you have a good chance of staying with it.
The boundary talk has been done. she knows she doesn't live here and has no moral right to act as if she does.
She even asked me if it was still ok for her to wash her massage sheets on Thursdays when she's here for the evening. I told her that was fine. The boundary has been set.
I'm not worried about the house. It would cause us great hardship to live separately and the house is below the mortgage value so selling is not an option. She COULD move back in any time since she is 1/2 owner. She won't though. she's afraid and ashamed.
As well you shouldn't LET her.
I worry about your seeming willingness to settle should you be given the chance.
I hope you understand that I will hope you aren't.
I come from a family of dentists. The hidden message from the dentist is that D17 might be bulimic. Vomit wears away the enamel on the teeth. Dentists know what other people deny. So your daughter did well. She totally distracted everyone from what the dentist was saying and stirred the drama pot instead.
