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#1661156 11/29/08 05:41 PM
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Good Morning!

Some one sent this to me. Pretty good stuff. It does have to do with the Plan A in SAA but it's still really good nuggets in it. Here it is, enjoy......




Looking back ... I can see I worked myself through a very awkward "plan A" .... although I never heard of plan A until years into recovery and I started poking around this site. Looking back ... I can see my efforts to become differentiated ... although I did not read Schnarch's "Passionate Marriage " until years into recovery.
Plan A is very much complementary to Schnarch's ideas of differentiation. Developing a positive identity within the context of a marriage struggling to overcome infidelity. Developing a strong sense of self-worth that is valid both within and outside the boundaries of the marriage.

I can NOW see plan A as a path to greater self worth and NOT necessarily as a plan to "win back" the heart and mind of the infidel ... although that might happen. It is a plan to differentiate myself and identify myself as a worthy person apart from the circumstances of the marriage relationship. Plan A'ers are not like doormats to wipe your feet upon and to mis-use .... more like a *welcome home* sign... if both persons choose to re-inter the marriage! Plan A says : "I can hold onto my better self under the worst of circumstances".

Schnarch says: "We develop a contingent identity based on a 'self-in-relationship'. Because our identity depends on the relationship, we may demand that our partner doesn't change so that our identity won't either."

Then ... comes the grenade of infidelity tossed into the marriage and the entire fusion of identities is blown apart! The aftermath of the grenade then boils down to this question ....

WHO THE HECK AM I ... AND ... WHO THE HECK ARE YOU?

And, asking this question to the *fogged-in* infidel is pointless. They got INTO the affair because they were lost to themselves, and went searching for a new self .... and, INSTEAD of differentiating themselves ... they fused identity to yet another relationship ... actually moving away from a healthy differentiated view of their self-worth ----> I am wonderful because my affair partner thinks so.

Plan A says and demonstrates to OURSELVES: I am not some weak pathetic person deserving to be abandoned or cheated. I am demonstrating decent and loving behaviour. I am worthy of love and devotion. ... If the infidel notices .... double bonus points. If not, I become better differentiated along the way ... and I can see my strengths despite terrible and hurtful circumstances.

Once I become more fully differentiated and have stable and accurate self-worth (after the grenade) ... I am then in the position to identify
healthy choices. I can honestly say that I will be a sensational woman within this marriage... or after this marriage terminates.

I think I finally understand what I went through. I understand that I am the better woman for it. I understand my spouse is the better man for it.

That is a powerful message to myself. The anxiety that floods the betrayed spouse is the perceived loss of identity . Self worth and a differentiated identity is the harvest of plan A .


Me-38 H-38
Married 18years
Daughter-17 & Son-9
Discovery of EA/PA 4/23/08
Left home 5/08/08
Moved in with OW 08/01/08

The only rock I know that stays steady, the only institution I know that works is the family.
-- Lee Iacocca
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Here's some more!....

An affair more than a fantasy - it is a search for identity.
Any adult with a strong sense of self does not dirty themselves in such a way to destroy others.

A weak person has an affair.
A person who needs a mirror to tell them who they are has an affair.
A person with poor coping skills has an affair.
A person who ignores his/her vulnerabilities has an affair.
A person willing to lower their self standards has an affair.


Me-38 H-38
Married 18years
Daughter-17 & Son-9
Discovery of EA/PA 4/23/08
Left home 5/08/08
Moved in with OW 08/01/08

The only rock I know that stays steady, the only institution I know that works is the family.
-- Lee Iacocca
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 724
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T2L, thanks for these postings. the second post really has hit me...

A weak person has an affair - check
A person who needs a mirror to tell them who they are has an affair - check
A person with poor coping skills has an affairs- so check
A person who ignores his vulnerabilities has an affair - so so check
A person willing to lower their self standards has an affair - check - especially lowering themselves to garbage level

How true how true

How are you doing today??? check in...thinking about you.


Me 53
H 50
D16, D29
M 22 years
bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H
8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also
bomb II - H moves 10/1
expose ow 10/22
D to be final 9-09
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 302
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Hello there!

Well I am okay. Have had a few crying days. I think I am PMS'ing. Plan B is hard, but its harder sharing and living like OW doesn't exist. So I'll get through it, always do. At times I think forget it and I want to give up but then as much as I have read divorce isn't any shorter or easier and I still won't be rid of him since we share kids. I will have to deal with him forever. God give me grace.

My 19 year anniversary is in 10 more days. Have asked several girl friends to go out to dinner with me. Several have responded so far, so I am looking forward to it.

Otherwise all is okay. Just got back from S10 last football game. H didn't go so it was a good Plan B day. Today I have been in Plan B for 14days exactly.

Anyways I hope everyone else is doing okay....{{{hugs}}}


Me-38 H-38
Married 18years
Daughter-17 & Son-9
Discovery of EA/PA 4/23/08
Left home 5/08/08
Moved in with OW 08/01/08

The only rock I know that stays steady, the only institution I know that works is the family.
-- Lee Iacocca
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 724
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Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 724
{{{{{{{{{{T2L}}}}}}}}
Good you are checking in. I had a lazy day. D15 in soccer tournament - went to her 2 games and she refereed in between so I came home, took a nap and read. Not much done today. Tomorrow H comes to her 2 games. See how that goes. H has been texting both of his Ds. I think they got to him on Thansgiving.

Glad you made plans for your anniversary. Is H good at remembering these occasions?

So you H skipped the game. Did he tell S10 that he wasn't going or just not show up?

Hang in there. You have been remarkable.

We will get through this one day at a time.

My cousin called me today and I told her what was happening and she was shocked. She said that she would never imagine that H would ever cheat. He was not the type. Funny, I thought the same thing!


Me 53
H 50
D16, D29
M 22 years
bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H
8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also
bomb II - H moves 10/1
expose ow 10/22
D to be final 9-09
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 302
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Hey you, got your message, was at the game then we went for a burger afterward.

Yes H skipped the game. Isn't it funny how during Plan A he made every game and now he hasn't made any. He finally scheduled a visit tomorrow. He talked to D17 tonight. Found out we were at home and not at my moms for Thanksgiving. He was not happy about it. He told D17 that why didn't we call him and he thought that we could put things behind to that day. Yeah - NOT! He wants me to pretend OW doesn't exist. Sorry Bud I am in Plan B and I am not breaking it.

Anyways gotta get to bed got church in da morning.

G'night


Me-38 H-38
Married 18years
Daughter-17 & Son-9
Discovery of EA/PA 4/23/08
Left home 5/08/08
Moved in with OW 08/01/08

The only rock I know that stays steady, the only institution I know that works is the family.
-- Lee Iacocca
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 724
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Hi T2L, hope you had a great Sunday. We spent the day at the soccer field.
H came to watch the games. We talked a little bit. Nothing too exciting. I offered to get him a soda when I went up to concession stand. He did stay there from noon to 6 pm and took D15 out to grab something to eat.
It is true that they are like polite strangers. It was very hard not to treat him as my H. Can't believe he is "dating Ow". But I did well, no arguments or hint of anything to aggravate him.
I spent last night putting together a tv stand. I did it pretty well but still having some trouble with the drawer. But I did it alone and it kept me busy.
Hope your day was good.
Where is everybody???


Me 53
H 50
D16, D29
M 22 years
bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H
8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also
bomb II - H moves 10/1
expose ow 10/22
D to be final 9-09
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 550
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Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 550
Hi Hope,

Thanks for checking up on me. I had a nice Thanksgiving break, hope you did too.

Yes, I read SAA and about 100 other books as well. I think Plans A & B are brilliant along with DR too. I guess you could say I'm in Plan B now although it kind of happened by default - I filed the Counterclaim and I haven't heard from my H since. So actually, he's gone dark on me too.

It's kind of like the staring game - who's going to blink first? I'll give you a hint - not me!

I've got a very busy week at work so probably won't be posting much until this weekend.

Take care and stay strong everyone!


Me 56
H 47
Married 21 years
No children
Bomb & moved out 4/07 "My feelings have changed" & "I want to live by myself".
Ow Bomb 8/07
H filed 6/08
D final 2/05/10




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T2L,,,where are you girlfriend? Hope you are doing well and keeping busy. Hang in there. This is hard because in Plan A you had to always be proactive and now you have to wait. Still praying for you and all of us. check in...
Marisol, all and others miss you. Hope your holiday was ok.

Silver Fox thanks for stopping by. this is so difficult but I do feel stronger as time goes by. Some days are better than others. take care. we made it through the first holiday.


Me 53
H 50
D16, D29
M 22 years
bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H
8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also
bomb II - H moves 10/1
expose ow 10/22
D to be final 9-09
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 59
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Posts: 59
Good Morning everyone,
I'm sorry I've been away, nothing mind shattering has happened, I've just been busy trying to focus on me. Doing only so so with that. Mainly because he's around.
T2L I don't think I need to tell you to stay strong, God's with all of us - just ask. I've been asking alot, not getting tons of answers but I know God's there.
Not sure if I'm doing any of this right, Sometimes it seems so contradictory. How to be good to yourself and require respect, but then accept H and his meandering does not seem respectful to me.

Guess what I did???? Go ahead guess. Ok you'll never guess, even people I know were like - what are you NUTZ!?!
I drove from Chicago to Dallas and went to the Cowboys came the weekend before Thanksgiving. All by myself, oh with my dog.

It was great, and scary but fun. I didn't tell H, he was out of town at a "friends" (I think they really are only friends, she's not blonde, tall, and beautiful, but wait they go for garbage so maybe their just sleeping together) Anyway he comes home Sunday to a note saying I had taken Boomer to Dallas be back Monday night \:\)

He wanted to take Boomer that weekend to his "friends" house I said no his pa's too hurt, and so when I talked to him later he was upset I could take him but not him. Well since I was on the phone and safe, I said you know your not taking him to some womans home to be a family for a weekend. You can take him to your p's but that's it. He said why couldn't I just say that. I'm like I just did. He accepted it, he did say well maybe I'll get a dog of my own.

On another note - musical that is, I'm listening to KLOVE radio, some great inspirational Christian songs. And I'm fasting every week till Christmas, something different each week. This week - no tv, next week no crappy talk radio - 3rd week no cookies, cakes, donuts, treats, etc. That should be tough a week b4 Christmas and then the week of Christmas instead of fasting it's more of a GIVING Fast, I'm going to try and be a friendly, loving, giving Christian, more a celebration of the season.

It makes me feel so good to the place I've come if I look at myself and not my situation.
Kinda like you hope and putting together that stand ALL by yourself. \:\)


Jen
Me 32
H 35
Married 8yrs 3/11/2000 - Together 10 yrs
No Children

1st Bomb - 7/1999
2nd Bomb - 8/2004
3rd A - 10/2006
4th A & Bomb - 10/12/08

Done sweeping things under the rug, I need to start doing something...But what?
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