Yes Puppy this is the crux of the question isn't it.
I would say we do treat them lovingly in the broader sense and respectfully but to me that is a far cry from a best friend or I would go as far to say even a friend. Maybe my idea of friendship is different to others. I have a wide circle of acquaintence's but a small band of what I term true friends and an even smaller band of best friends. Those are the people who are privy to my most intimate hopes and dreams and thoughts and who I trust to guard them as I would and do theirs.
best friend, no, because it would be a lie.At least in my case.
m-54 w-44 children-4 bomb-sept 21 2007 t-21 m-20yrs bomb-sept 23 2007 divorced but not giving up hope, not yethttp://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#post1224023
Don't take this the wrong way. I love my wife deeply and I understand she is not well right now.
I have never had a friend who lies,cheats,steals,trys to control me in every way shape and form,walks all over me If I allow it,has no concept of my feelings,will not communicate,and will flat out throw a fit if something does not go her way. (I am not angry, just pointing out the facts)
I do believe reality hits the mlc'er at times. If she sees me treating her like a best friend through all this I believe she will then see me as weak and carry on with her behavior.
In my case kindness at a distance and being civil is the way to go.
To my mind, friendship -- especially BEST-friendship -- has to be earned. Love and respect, on the other hand, should be unconditional, and is even commanded to those of us who are Christians.
Truth is she will exhibit those behaviors and try to walk over you whether or not you are her friend. I wish I had gone dark in the beginning. The fact is there was a particular place she wanted me and would throw a fit if I wasn't there.
They are like a runaway lawnmower. They're going to go where they go and tear up what they tear up until they crash and come to a stop. Attempting to stop them or alter their course won't be affective and will only get you hurt.
Just get yourself, the kids and the pets out of they way.
Good luck.
"Fear is the mind-killer" Muad'Dib Me 53, XW 44, DD 14, DS 12 Bomb and OM 12/15/06 Separated 01/02/07 Divorced 05/13/08 X married OM(OMH) 08/2009 Married 06/09/13
Thank you so much Puppy for starting this thread. I haven't posted for a very long time but I've been reading and learning so much. I've gone dark - completely black actually - and have not seen my H for 3 months now. It's been amazingly helpful and I will start posting on my own thread soon to explain it all.
As to the "friends" question - from the beginning my H tried the "I'm so sorry this (the OW) has happened but can't we please be friends"? Some other gems out of his mouth were "It would mean the world to me if we could set aside the bad feelings and move forward with a new friendship".
And his last email to me after I Counter Filed - "I pray that when all this is over we can look back as friends from an entirely different point of view".
Translation? Please let me have my way, don't give me a hard time, be my friend and I won't have to feel so guilty.
I don't think so buddy.
Sleeper - your runaway lawnmower analogy is perfect!!
Me 56 H 47 Married 21 years No children Bomb & moved out 4/07 "My feelings have changed" & "I want to live by myself". Ow Bomb 8/07 H filed 6/08 D final 2/05/10
It really depends on the level of emotional mess they are in. In my case 3 years ago my W was truly in a mental breakdown. OM was a loser and I had to be her 'friend' so that when she crashed, and she did, I could be there for her. The down side is that it drained me so I crashed after a year of us being back together and here I am now.
Why would you want to be married to someone you don't want to be friends with?
This becomes a hard question because you have to face your own anger and resentment.
DB C told me that you have to let go of anger, then friends, then romance, and then you can talk about your hurts and fears.
I think that one reason that going dark is so good for the LBS is that it allows us the space to begin to forgive things. It forces you to move on, and you stop watching every little thing the WAS does. This is important regardless of what happens. During the dark, which has been for a long time, I found other things to do. I had to!
I am keeping things all business and polite. If H is friendly, I am friendly back. This is where the neighbor-over-the-fnece thing is good. I am pleased with being dark, for my own health, my own reflection, my own growth.
And my own dignity and compassion. I feel sorry for H now, but I also recognize that I am worth making an effort for. So I wouldn't fall all over him even if he did show any interet.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
my X and I are pretty damn close. see each other every day , and for the last year have never had a cross word.
till today..
she told me I'm a bad example for my boys, she thinks my dating is sending the wrong message to them.
mind you I'm single.
after trying to avoid a conflict I finally told her that maybe it was her cutting off communication with the boys during her whore fest that was the real bad example.
I feel bad for her she opened pandora's box.
this she can't undo. but I'll always be her pal as long as she is rational.
