"The relationship between mommy and daddy is not working. It is not good for us to live together right now, so we are separating. This has NOTHING to do with you, you are the best things in our lives and we both love you very much. We will always be your mommy and daddy. Even though mommy and daddy won't be living together we will still both love you very much and it is OK for you to still love each of us very much.
You can talk to us both right now or either of us separately at any time about anything."
Why are you separating?
"Mommy and daddy care about each other as the other parent of our children. Mommy and daddy don't care about each other like husbands and wives do anymore."
Whose fault is it?
"We are both responsible for things not working. Neither of us wanted our marriage to fail, and we are both very sad that it did."
Will you not separate if we are good?
"Your behavior has nothing to do with the separation. It is not your fault. You can't fix it. It is a problem between mommy and daddy, not with you."
They need to know these things, and hear them from you--both if possible:
It's not their fault! They did nothing to cause this.
Mommy and Daddy still love you as much as always, and that will never change no matter what else changes.
We're going to be okay. They're going to be okay.
If you know what visitation will look like, how it will work out with the house--at least in the near future--they need to know what to expect about their daily lives. Depending on their ages, they don't need to know what's happening a month from now, a year from now--just the immediate future. Don't give them more information than they can handle, or more than they ask for.
Mommy and Daddy are both good people (yeah, I know--try to choke it out), we just don't love each other like husbands and wives do.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
I do not know what anything looks like right now. H will be moving away next summer. We do not know where. It could be as little as a 4 hour drive and there will be lots of weekend visits or it could Alaska again... or points in between we just do know know.
I am afraid that I will choke up how do I keep from doing so? H will have his stone face on. My boys are not dumb they will know, we (me and them) have had so many convo's about marriage vows being sacred. They most likely will not say a word until H is not around, then I will get all the questions and I am afraid I will blow it. I want to do this one thing right most of all, for them.
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
Okay--they're old enough to know about the move next summer; I imagine that being a military family, they're probably more accustomed to moves than most. But I'd try fairly hard to nail down what's going to be happening in the meantime and tell them; it's the unknown that is scariest.
If you choke up, that's okay. My D12's seen me cry quite a few times during this time. Crying lets them know you're not just tossing your marriage out like a piece of used tissue; you're sad, it's natural to cry. If you become hysterical, remove yourself. Otherwise, don't worry too much about it.
Yeah, marriage vows being sacred--that's a tough one. Because really, you can't talk negatively about your H to them. You could simply stop short after saying that yes, you do still consider marriage vows to be sacred. Then bite your tongue.
If they ask questions, answer them as honestly as you feel appropriate. If they feel that you're not being honest they'll stop asking, and fill in the blanks themselves. And that's not helpful. You don't necessarily have to tell them details, or tell them the whole truth. Stick to the basic guidelines of it's not their fault, there's nothing they could have done to change it, they're going to be safe and loved, and maybe add that to some extent you're all going to have to make it up as you go along and don't yet have all the answers to how it will be. But you are still their parents and will still take care of them no matter what.
The only ways you can really blow it is to allow them to accept blame, to trash their father, to lean on them for support or expect them to parent you, or to lie blatantly.
My D figured out that H "has a girlfriend" on her own, because of how he acted, protected his cell phone and computer, and had numerous lengthy calls during D's visits. I wouldn't have told her. But when she asked me point-blank, I couldn't deny it. She had even figured out who it was, because H had talked about her--just a bit too much. I didn't elaborate, I simply said, yes he does have a girlfriend. Once she knew the truth, she vented her anger a lot, and then she was fine (as in not terribly traumatized). It still makes her angry at times, she still wonders "why did he get married anyway if he wasn't going to take the vows seriously?" But she also needs to have an okay relationship with her dad, and so--since she is able to ask me questions and trust the answers--she just stuffs that down while she's with him. She says someday she will ask him herself why he's done this, but it will be a long time I think--she doesn't want to jeopardize their relationship, and besides, he has declined to answer some of her questions. "I don't want to talk about that right now." And she understands why, but she doesn't push. She has been far more resilient than I anticipated, and while it breaks my heart to see her go through this, I no longer fear that she's going to end up an emotional cripple.
This is definitely one of the hardest conversations you'll ever have in your life. I'm so sorry you have to do it--that any of us have to have this conversation with our children.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
hm thank you for all that. I am dreading it, but whatever is best for my boys is what I want to do. You are right, it will be fine if I choke up. I am going to push for this weekend to talk to them.
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
