Hi LE - been a while. Sounds like things are much the same. Sorry about that man. But I think that it is time for you to look for that one spark that will help you make the transition from emotional to rational. Once you can do that you will start working on yourself more and becoming more attractive to yourself and others. Find that spark where you can put your W behind you. You deserve better that being continually beaten up over her. Take control of yourself and your life.
I wondered where you were. Thanks for the advice. She does like to push my trigger I think. She said that the thought of me being with someone else kills her. Yet she also called me mean, controlling and cruel. I thought that was good. I was glad to hear something from her explaining it. She also said I made her do things that she regretted.
M42 S12/D9 T17/M12 Bomb 1 3/22/06 Bomb 2 7/11/08 Bomb 3 7/31/08 W Filed 8/1/08 D granted 12/17/08 D Finalized 1/29/09
A man who compromises his principles never had them in the first place.
Can't blame her, that would be wrong. I'll cop to my fifty percent responsibility. Her perception of me is the reality she was living with, I was clueless. I told my buddy here at work tonight, I wish I would've gotten her to scream that to me five years ago. She also said that I was judgmental. I knew there were four. I need a tape recorder to keep track of all this stuff.
Last edited by Little Engine; 11/20/0805:21 AM.
M42 S12/D9 T17/M12 Bomb 1 3/22/06 Bomb 2 7/11/08 Bomb 3 7/31/08 W Filed 8/1/08 D granted 12/17/08 D Finalized 1/29/09
A man who compromises his principles never had them in the first place.
You make me laugh LE.... such good spirit in a time of H@LL....
I had an hour long talk with my H tonight - I'll post on my thread tomorrow.. good talk, some doubt in his words which was nice, but also some justification too. same as your wife.... have to pass some blame.
I"m too tired to have any good words so I'll pop on tomorrow ...
hang in there.... good night
Me: 38/H:40 M:7yrs TG: 10yrs 2Girls: 4yr & 7 month old Bomb 8/22/08 OW/EA/PA 8/23/08 with 25yr old Moved out 9/22/08
I don't know if it is all passing blame. LE I like what you said about it being her reality. But it wasn't the whole reality or you wouldn't have 2 beautiful children. Just how she is choosing to remember it. So don't be those things anymore. No matter how much you might want to lash out.
No she didn't do the "right" thing. No she is not handling herself in a way that you agree with. Yes her actions are hurting you and others. But step back from it for a second and try to look at it through a strangers eyes. Doesn't know all the dirty details. Would you still be as angry with her or would you be more inclined to wonder what was going on INSIDE OF HER to cause her to act in such a self destructive way? Would you wonder what was creating the confusion in her head? Or are you really so judgemental that you would just stick her in the bad person box and not even attempt to look at her as a person? Never give her the time of day?
When I finally did that, looked at myself and H like that it made a major difference in how I viewed the whole picture. Just my 2cents.
If you focus on the past, you ruin the future. You can only live for today.
K - I do agree and I did such self analysis myself but I also understand where LE is. Even after doing all that, accepting my M is over and just trying to be reasonable, friendly, compromising, flexible etc for the kids my STBX still chooses to spew constantly and the nastiness is getting worse. She has said things to me in the last couple of weeks, that I didn't need to know. Why ? to hurt me more for some reason. Why do they then want to keep hurting us ? Because they are hurting themselves perhaps ? Because they see the changes and think if we could of done this sooner they would not of made the choices they had ? I just don't know and I try not to worry or think about it to much.
I think you just have to keep GALing, DBing yourself to be that better person and let the WAS make their own decision. We've all accepted we've made mistakes and how our WAS may have got to the point to do what they did, but we cannot run their lives for them. Work on yourself LE and life will be good for you. You will still have painful moments, you will still crack sometimes through frustration or whatever, but, in time, life will be good again.
Arthur, LE-looking at them differently doesn't stop their behavior, just kinda helps to understand it and occasionally helps the reaction be different. At least for me.
If you focus on the past, you ruin the future. You can only live for today.
I think I do my best when I just stay away from her. If I look at her as a stranger would, I would probably put her in the bad person box and just walk away. Is that wrong, probably, but it helps to ease the pain for me. One of my best friends pointed out something my W did to him seventeen or eighteen years ago and I was just appalled. I really think that maybe it is better for me if we D, certainly not for the kids. I am ready to be free of the drama and just deal with her on a very limited basis. She was making me unhappy and I really just want to get our settlement adjusted to the way she agreed and be back on my own. I am thinking about how in a couple of years I will have our credit card debt paid off and I can think about building my own house. I have had that dream forever, and I don't think it is out of reach. As long as I have a job then I should be good. What I do is sort a specialized thing and not many people have the weird skill set I have so I think I should always be able to work. Thanks for the advice k and Arthur for seeing it both ways. My W is pretty much a good person, she just makes bad choices. She resents me for always being right, so she can her mistakes and find out that maybe being right isn't so bad.
M42 S12/D9 T17/M12 Bomb 1 3/22/06 Bomb 2 7/11/08 Bomb 3 7/31/08 W Filed 8/1/08 D granted 12/17/08 D Finalized 1/29/09
A man who compromises his principles never had them in the first place.
Hey, LE!!! I hope you are doing okay...the anger's hard to control. But, you can and must get your arms around it...even if she's not your W, she will always be the mother of the 2 most important people in your life! She deserves love and respect just for that!! Keep that in mind as things move forward.
It helps to start looking at how your future will be if the D occurs. Maybe not as bleak as we once thought.
Thanks for stopping by to visit today. I really am doing okay. It's crazy...I wouldn't have been able to feel the same way 2 months ago or even 3 weeks ago. With that said, if you decide to move your next thread, I'm ready to go with you...not scared anymore!
Hugs to you!!!
Amy
Me 39 H 36 S 7 S 4 T 15 M 12 H out 8/1/08 OW confirmed 8/6/08 D final on 6/12/09...I'm doing good!
