just when I thought things were stable...

[cat03]

ha ha, who was i kidding? stbx was being nice, we went out as a family 3x (my invitation to do something with kids since he was so depressed and told me how lonely he felt)

First a huge hug to all of you, my internet still not hocked up properly at home, work has been a bear and for a while I felt didnt' need to post about myself much and occasionally lurked or posted to some people in separated. I still thought of you all and now I understand a new pain that is old to all of you.

Out of the blue, after all our "friendly talks" and even one attempt of going out together for halloween, lo and behold, stbx has a gf. No warning, just him being his weasel self. He wanted the sunday off (not kids) but I told him he hadnt' had them for the past 2 sundays, so instead of postponing his outing with gf he brings her along.
He wanted kids outside waiting and Ididnt' hear him call, he parked a bit to the side of my house and just wanted to take kids quick, but my little d5 starts crying (she never does this!) that she wanted to stay with me, as I walked to the car there is this woman there. That's how I found out, she was just in his car.

Ok, so many of you would tell me "what were you expecting?" and why did I get so close as a friend to him. He of course, tries to play it off "oh, that's just a coworker i'm dropping off" I know better and I get mad, then he plays stupid "is this a wrong thing to do? are u upset?" oh jeez. In a blunder later admits he is dating her, we txt back and forth, I reminded him that our legal agreement says no overnight visitors (sadly, the mediator didnt' put that there but stbx doesnt' know) and it just goes down hill from there.

Ok, to sum it up, (I talked to mil) they've been together for about a week or so, she is from work, a "christian" and according to stbx "a very nice girl". Well, when I saw her I lost it. She had a large tattoo on her arm, had dark glasses and maybe dark makeup. I txted him, we talked, I lost it, called her a slut looking woman...
I am not mad he is dating (maybe 1%) but that he had the nerve to just bring her when he has the kids!. We argued 2x, he thinks there is nothing wrong with introducing dates to kids, that it's just my opinion that kids shouldn't meet anyone unless its serious and for a while accused me of not letting go (I guess me blowing up looked like a jelous fit, I was most upset about kids finding out like this).

Lord, this is getting long. I've calmed down, but not before talking very angrily to him, twice he admitted he handled it poorly, but he still sees nothing wrong. I'm still upset for the kids, and trying to accept that stbx's brains is fried and doesn't understand reason and I have to deal with kids and myself in constructive way.
Thanks for letting me vent....

[goldeylox]

Well, cat,
Thanks for that preview. Something for me to look forward to.
Venting, as you know by now, is healthy. If you need more, you may want to talk to your L. When I first consulted mine, he was adamant about how introducing a third party before the D was final could hurt my case, and should be avoided at all costs.
You know how this works...parenting time, child support, yada yada yada. Don't get me wrong, I do not support a full scale attack when it is not provoked or seems out of proportion, but rather, just to remind you that the law is often quite clear about matters like this.
I, too, struggle with technology at my new apartment. Plus, I've never figured out how to link my threads together, so I guess if you want the back story, you could go check it out.
'I Can't Say ILU Anymore' started things off in July.
Take care, have a good week. Peace. Goldey

[cat03]

thanks goldey. I was ready for anything, had he had a spine and told me a simple "I'm dating" it would've taken me a back a bit (he said a while ago that he had to learn to live on his own and to not depend on someone to be happy) but I would've taken it fine, I was ready to let go more and even decided to not invite him to outing with kids anymore since I was the only one suggesting things and he barely talked when we did go out.

As far as legally, the part about overnight visitors should've been there, but mediator didnt' put it on the final draft and I just wanted it over with and signed. I dont' think much would come up even if it were there, the year of separation to file for divorce is almost up, the date on the paperwork was Jan. 19, so I'm sure he'll file on the do, so then the overnight clause would mean jack.
He told his mom she wouldnt' be staying over, but I am bracing myself for anything and to make sure I can talk to my kids in a constructive way when they have questions. He can marry,date, I dont' care, I just wish he'd see how his behavior could affect kids.

[LL44]

Another gf. Blecky.

And its so funny how they are amazed we don't believe them when they say 'we are just friends'. I reminded xH how burned I have been by that statement in the past

He can marry,date, I dont' care, I just wish he'd see how his behavior could affect kids.

SO TRUE!!!!

[Aud31]

Grrr...I'm sorry Cat. I know you'll pull it all together. ((hugs))

[Livin4ME]

(((Cat)))
It really sucks that your STBX decided to handle it like that. Mine continued to deny there was an OW until a mutual friend told me that she had been with the kids many many times.
I agree with you that gf and bf should not be introduced to children until it is serious. Not necessarily a ring on the finger, but I believe the R should be established and been going on for a few months before introductions are made to the children. My reasoning for all of this is...children do not understand and they will form attachments to people that are in the lives. If its not serious, but an attachment has been made, and the R fizzles out fairly quickly, its one more person that has been taken out of the children's lives. Granted, if the children are older, it may be alittle bit different. But younger children do not understand.
A friend of mine just went thru this. She was on the opposite side tho. Her D was final, she doesn't have children. She began dating someone who was also newly D and he had children. She was introduced fairly early into the R. She became very attached to the children. He dumped her to go back to his XW. She was crushed. (He was her rebound) And she still talks about how she misses the kids. In fact, the night he dumped her, he asked if she wanted to go inside and say goodbye to the children!!! Her new rule is...if children are involved, she will not meet the children for atleast 6 months. She wants to protect herself and the children.
My point is...it's not fair to the children and it's not fair to the other people either.

[cat03]

thanks liv! sad thing is, he still doesn't see this, I mentioned the above scenarios to him and all he said was "we dissagree, those are your thoughts" and, "if I had a male friend & he stopped coming that wouldnt' make kids upset" and!!! : "I won't be introducing anyone one else to kids", but the damage is done and it's making me so upset.
I said "what if I were to go out with man after man and would have kids meet them, what would you think?" he said that he wouldnt' mine, that it was my life to do as I please and doesn't see anything wrong. ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Ok, so he does have kids on almost all his days off, he still had mornings offs and sometimes doens't go to work until late, his lack of common sense baffles me.

And now I'm beating myself for having insisted he had kids this past Sunday, he said he had "tickets" to somewhere and couldn't have them, but I told him he hadn't had kids for a while. Instead of postponing seeing her he brought her along, and he took off the day before !! this man is just so...@#$@#, words fail me, I'm so glad I see how he is now, I actually wished for a while to perhaps in the future think of us again, but heck no, he's still a jerk who hasn't learned anything.

[Livin4ME]

I did the same thing!!! What would you do if the roles were reversed?! Would you like that I had some guy I had just met around the kids...overnight even!? His response was just like your stbx..."It's your life and I can't make you stop doing something you want to do. It's not my business."
Makes you wanna kick them in the head doesn't it!? When kids are involved it is your business dummy!
Especially if your the custodial parent and you have to deal with your kids emotions. And they don't always handle emotions well...they act out and such instead. And I've learned, not only with my S's acting out, but his emotions usually come out at night when he's tired and he just wants his dada to lay with him before bed. But stbx doesn't see that happen. And I've actually mentioned to him in the past and his response, "just call me when that happens." And I have and then S gets even more upset when he doesn't answer his phone. uggghh

[Livin4ME]

Just to clarify this so no one takes it out of context...even tho stbx drives me mad, I would never actually kick him in the head! Nor would I slap him, hit him, kick him, stomp on his toe, smash his thumb with a hammer, etc...
I'm not a violent person and I don't believe violence accomplishes anything.

[cat03]

just like your stbx..."It's your life and I can't make you stop doing something you want to do. It's not my business."

I think they want to see just what they want to see and what works for them. Wow, amazing, another dummy with the same moronic response, ISH! honestly, a well man wouldnt' think such things, a well man, and stbx isn't one, I have to remind myself that.