I remember my last month in the Army. I was just about done with my tour of duty, had been in Germany for nearly three years. My first son had been born there and my family had only seen him during a brief couple weeks of leave about half way through my time there.
I was already accepted to Purdue University to begin course work for a degree in Computer engineering. I was very excited about that. As a family we would finally be back in the States and be able to see loved ones on a regular basis again.
I did NOT want to be in my unit anymore. I was ready to go. We used to call it "short-timers" disease. You lose your motivation, it's hard to get up and get going in the morning, and it's difficult to feel particularly motivated about doing a stellar job in what you do wind up doing.
But you know what? You press on. You get up each day and you continue to do the best job you can at what you are asked to do. You begin to stay away from conversations regarding long range plans, because you know you won't be part of them. And the people in your unit who irritate you for whatever reason, well, you just find a way to avoid them, knowing they won't be a problem for you for long.
I think about that time, and I think about your situation, and I see alot of similarities. I couldn't make that last month go by any faster, and neither can you. But I also couldn't stop being Bill and all that entails, and neither can you stop being FIB and all that entails.
We make the best of it my friend.
We think about the positives that the future holds for us. We dream about the new, exciting things that are to come. And we avoid situations that remind us of the drudgery that we are soon to be leaving.
Stay strong. Stay true to who you are. This is but a season, though I know like it feels endless.
Do you not see your "invincible summer" just up ahead?
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Bill..thanks so much. I continue to do 'the best I can'. I have accepted a coaching position for girls lacrosse. My first clinic is Saturday. Although I didn't want to go last night, I went to my OR holiday party and HAD A GREAT TIME!
The rumors are now spreading...I guess not too bad considering I got bombed almost 3 years ago. I hold my head up and I try NOT to discuss this AT ALL anymore. Rehashing does nothing.
When my W corrals the kids, I get busy doing something else. When there is no note on a Monday eve when I come home and no one is there...I tell myself that this will be what it's like when I don't get them. I don't call her or complain anymore that there is no contact. I read...cook...clean.....
I've stopped fighting and competing to prove that I am an involved dad. I AM. I have now refocused on my job and let go a bit of having to be at every well appointment, etc. I love my children and I can easily see that they love me.
I will take care of myself and when my fate is decided by the courts, I will make a new life and new home and parent my kids the way I want. I WILL try to continue to co-parent with her vs. parallel parent.
As someone mentioned on mules thread, women want to dance with me...set me up with people...etc. Although I am not ready, I can now see that there will be an opportunity to start anew. It wasn't in my plan, but, I have to live and move forward since SHE chose to depart.
I have my bad days still.
I work it. FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Fib, you are human, bad days will be had. This is not what you thought your life would be like. Letting go of that vision is a difficult thing. Seeing your w all the time makes it even harder.
And your children know that you are a good father. Believe that. Children are very intuitive and they can feel your love. Try to make it as easy as possible for them when dealing with your wife in the future.
Hang tough, my friend. We have to believe that all things happen for a reason.
Noted theoden. The domain changed but don't scream out ya-hoooooo about it. I have about 4 interested so far including myself.
Sometimes, I wake up...or...I"m driving....or in the shower....and a wave of disbelief comes over me that 3 years just blew by and I can't believe that this is really happening.
This is just a statement...not a 'whoa is me' comment.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
I guess...I should update a bit better from time to time. It is now one year since I filed. My W has gone through some bitter anger and has disdain for me. Of late, I think she has moved more into indifference. My daughter makes comments to me that are not unexpected to hear with regards to two people going thru a divorce: -"mommy says you can't be friends for a few years" -"mommy says she has to be apart from you" My daughter is now, as she grows older, beginning to recognize the division and is becoming sad: "-daddy, I am sad that you and mommy aren't friends anymore".
Last night, at bedtime, I put her to sleep and an unexpected question came up: -dad, how did you and mommy meet and fall in love?"
In the dark...I stroked her brow...and I told her the whole story, leaving out the latter difficult details.
My daughter was sad. "Daddy, why can't you and mommy be friends again?" I told that we were ALL going to be happy again...that I will ALWAYS be her daddy...that I will ALWAYS take care of her..that I am ALWAYS here to listen to her and that she can ALWAYS come to daddy to talk.
Does anyone here....ever..move past THIS part of the sadness? The pain that the kids go thru?
I know the overall tone is sad in this post, but, I am in a better place than I was a year ago. I still have my moments of sadness and grieving, but, the woman that lives with me...I don't recognize anymore. Pardon my language, but, she could give a flying $hit about what is going on in my life. As nic says...we are divorcing. I agree..this is divorce.
In response to my recent inquiry to her..about dividing up the holidays, this is her verbatim response, typewritten for me:
Quote:
Yes..I agree. Thanksgiving went very well and everyone enjoyed their day.
Christmas and Chanukah are fast approaching and with a view to your message, this is what I believe will work best for all of us.
On the first night of Chanukah, I wish to be at home with the children to celebrate and open presents, December 22. Later in the evening of course, they are free to be with your family.
The remaining days of the Chanukah holiday will be celebrated by you with the children with the exception of Dec. 24 evening when we will be having dinner with my brother. On Christmas morning Dec. 25, I wish to spend time with the children and you opening Christmas presents. later in the day, the children and myself will be spending the day with my parents.
New Year's Eve--well, it is my turn this year. I'm sure that you'll remember that you celebrated New Year's Eve with them last year. This year, everything being equal, it is my turn to be with them. New Years Day is open for further discussion. Thanks. XXX
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Oh FIB, I am sorry. Sorry for your children and for you. It just all stinks, all the way around.
The only thing you can do is be there for your children. And pray that someday you and your wife will be able to develop a warmer, more compassionate relationship so that the children will heal.
My friend, you are going to have good days and bad for a long time. Eventually there will be more good than bad. This is my wish for you and yours.
Agreed BM...agreed. As above, tho', it's my kids now. FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
