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I wasnt referring to you in my post about sad thing is we areteaching our kids, its all about our happiness, I was reference what I understood you wife to say that she needed to be away from you to be happy...i thought that was sad.....I just believe that america is really messed up...we are spoiled and everyone thinks our purpose in life is to be happy.....i dont mean i think we should all stay and be miserable...i mean we have a responsibility to not put ourselves first..and by serving others that is actually what brings happiness..so many are so deceived and your wife will find that out one day.....and the sad thing is a family is taken down in the mean time....the statics state over and over that down the road people look back on the divorce and realize had they done things different....the outcome would be different...frank i know you tried...now is not the time to worry, trust in God, move forward, he knows where you are at...surrendor your wife to him....focus on your kids...and your purpose in life and hopefully you will find your way..i think you have done great...your wife is very a shallow,...but she is clearly hurting...remember hurting people hurt others....that is the source of the misery she brings to your family....her hurts .....and its a road she has to travel by herself...unfortunely

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Well said graceallday. I had this talk a while back with a very good friend. He and I both thought that it was so crazy that our wives and society puts so much importance on "being happy" to the point of "selfishness". Both him and I were ok with making sacrifices in happiness for the benefit of the family because we thought that in the long run it was the right thing to do in order for long term happiness.

Frank and I (and many others) that filed did indeed try. There is only so much one can tolerate - for me, it was including our children in her affair (and other things) that crossed my line.

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To grace...that was a powerful post and I am fortunate to have you here. I agree.

To KerryK....we hoped, believed and tried and, like you, I filed only because I continued to be hurt and boundaries continued to be crossed.

I personally believe that bringing children into the world is a gift. That gift comes with self-sacrifice. Our children are vulnerable until they are old enough to take care of themselves.

No one deserves to stay in a hurtful destructive R. Keeping a family whole is a choice...for TWO PEOPLE.

I am thankful...for all of you...for helping me get through the darkest 3 years of my life. It would have been much worse without your help. I am strengthened to see the courage that many women have here to hold out for an intact family. I am strengthened by the men who show courage despite feelings of emasculation. I am also strengthened by those who, have the courage to decide when their spirit has been destroyed to the point that standing longer would affect their ability to care for their children. I only wish that more M's could be saved.

I am thankful for the ability that G-d gave me to help the sick.

I am thankful for my health.

I am thankful for the good memories I have from my W but especially grateful to her for creating life with me.

I am thankful, especially, for my two beautiful children. I am so proud of them.

Originally Posted By: The Talmud

Save one life and you save the world entire

Thanks to all of you for helping to carry me through this.

Now...please pass the stuffing.
FIB


Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11)
Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t
Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10
Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
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FIB,

A blessed Thanksgiving holiday to you and yours.

There were times during the heat of my sitch that you almost carried me through with your encouragement and meaningful words. You were my model for how to be a man and father.

None of us deserve what has happened in our lives through the hands of one that we loved.

Most especially our children.

Know that as the years go by and your children grow, they will remember the father that you have been to them. In Thanksgivings to come, it will be you that they give their greatest thanksgivings for.

Always here my friend.


Blessings,

Bill

Last edited by Bworl; 11/27/08 01:10 AM.

"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
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Bill...belated thanks for your kind words. My Thanksgiving went well. My W decided to split the day fairly. We decided 8-4, 4-12. I picked up my kids at 4. She said nothing to me but that is the standard right now. I did great during the day. Did some chores, etc.

Although for the present, I have not seen anger or vindictiveness of late, I am a nonentity in the house:
  • my laundry doesn't get done or folded
  • no meals are prepared for me
  • I do not get coffee brought home anymore
  • my only communication is when the kids go for health appts or to confirm if I will be home when she has to go somewhere
  • there is no spontaneous communication to me


I had a rough emotional week last week. I call them inner emotional backslides. I needed to call two of my supporters here. I met with my IC and went for a long walk with her. She lets me direct where we go. I brought up why...why after all this time...do I still languish and have an ounce of hope left in there when there is none? Truly, there isn't. My W despises me. Ironically, she told me she sees a lot of improvement. She saw me as much more assertive and ..then...we reviewed Elisabeth Kubler-Ross' stages:
  1. Denial
  2. Anger
  3. Bargaining
  4. Depression
  5. Acceptance

My IC sees me now in the last stage.....acceptance.

I treat my STBXW with respect as best I can. I say hello. I tell her that I will see her later (she doesn't respond to me). I support her when she needs 'assistance' with the kids. I offered to help bring the tree up from the basement. However, when I began to decorate some today, she told me to hold off on her stuff as she is not 'going gang busters' on the decorations. She gave me a list of what she bought...probably not so that I wouldn't duplicate it but so not to show her up since Hanukkah is on the 21st.

She then told me that she was taking the kids with her parents to see the Christmas Show in NYC on the 15th. I told her great, and, added, that I told my family that I didn't want anything re a party for my 50th (in February) but I may want to go away with the kids (winter break). She got defensive, and, classicly, she changed everything I said around:

W: I'm allowed to take a vacation with the kids. My last vacation was Disney World (that was in 2005 pre-bomb).

Me: XXX....I didn't say you couldn't. It's been a rough 2 years and you deserve a vacation. I said that I was thinking of going away with them for my 50th BD.

Except for one frame, all our photos are down. it's just a matter of time. Our court date was cancelled yesterday. My practice appraisal was not completed. I think she is pissed. She wants me out.

Finally, I have stopped my fear of answering the phone if her family calls. Her sister called this morning. She actually was nice to me...even apologized for not thanking me for cards that I had sent her on the birth of her twins. In a world of divorce, she actually seemed nice to me. I thanked her....congratulated her on her new family....and reminded her that when the kids were stronger (were premature)...to invest in a baby sitter and get out with her H. It felt good, but, who knows what is real or fake anymore.

I keep my head up as best I can. I registered D5 for girls lacrosse at her request. I am upbeat. I play with them. I do homework 2X a week with them. I let my W be the MegaMom in the morning. I say nothing when she goes out at night.

I am still saddened at the loss of my M, but, I KNOW in my heart that she would have continued this pattern of behavior.

Sadly, some marriages were not meant to be saved.

Strength and honor.
FIB


Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11)
Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t
Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10
Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Joined: Nov 2006
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FIB,

Grief really is a process. We can try to rationally pick our way through the process, hoping to subvert steps along the way, but I honestly think that we all eventually pass through each of those stages.

Again I tell you my friend, eventually as the divorce process unfolds and decisions are finally made, you will reach a point where you are no longer dealing with conflict in YOUR home everyday. You will be amazed at the healing power of peace. There is incredible satisfaction with finally being able to move FORWARD with your life, something that is incredibly difficult for you right now while you share a living space.

It will be rocky at first, figuring out how to balance each of your roles in terms of the children. And there will be nights that you will grieve all over again just thinking about not being able to be with your children whenever you want. But the power will come from the fact that you are once again living.

You know that you are a fine man, a wonderful physician, a loyal and supportive friend, and a committed father. Never allow the rough times to overwhelm you to the point that you begin to believe anything but good will once again be in your life. Good people survive AND thrive because there are not nearly enough of them in the world.

So grit your teeth my friend. Put an end to the self-recriminations. Set your eyes on the future and begin thinking about how you will make your new life full and vibrant.

I pray for peace and rest for you every day my friend.


Blessings,

Bill


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To all..I was asked to be the lacrosse coach for our areas lacrosse program, girls lacrosse K, 1 and 2. I accepted and I'm very excited about this.

My W keeps calling me with 'what toys are you buying'. I told her, respectfully, that I am sure that we will not overlap and that her gifts always come from the heart and the kids love them. There was no need to keep calling about it. She seemed surprised.

This will probably get deleted but I am looking into organizing a men's 'boot camp'...becoming a better man...not repeating mistakes...keeping an R fun and staying attractive...maybe in my home....run by a 'famous' motivational speaker. I'm curious what the interest would be. FIB


Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11)
Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t
Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10
Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 1,237
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Heyya FIB.

my X just called me the [censored] to end all assholes.

so I'm sure I must have done something right!!!

lemme know if I can help

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Your ex sure is a dainty lil thang, ford.


LOL

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LOL, she's 5'0" 100lbs of hellfire.

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