Point taken everyone on not obsessing so much about every little move that H makes. I have just been feeling so drained and hurt. I still don't know how the next week is going to play out, but am feeling a little calmer., and yes this is going to be related to how things went with H tonight, but I've really just needed some normalcy, even if it doesn't last. Now it's been nearly 2 weeks of pleasant interactions, so this is a really good start...
So got home, was going to work out to clear my head (elliptical machine in our back shed). H said that he was going to do weights back there, so I said I'd wait as I didn't want to crowd his space. He said it was fine, and we worked out in the same small space. Then we watched a bad movie together, sat pretty close to each other on the couch, and joked around. There have been several comments made about our house etc., but still no discussion on the living together/not living together front. I guess I'll ride it out still...
Tomorrow my goal is to really get engrossed in work again. I think that is what could end up helping me a bit...
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Hi ITH- im just trying to catch up! wow- so much progress. can you give me the quick lowdown? im so happy that you two are working to be together again!
P
Pisces M 31 H 32 M 7 yrs S 5/10 Beginning Contact! Vibes Hot Tub Cheese
Daisy is so right- look at the big picture, not each little pixel on the screen. I understand how it is- I would be doing the same thing if H was living at home with me. It is easier to take a mental break when they aren't there all the time.
I agree also that you should continue to stay away a few nights. Make it sound like it is something you need/want to do for yourself, instead of doing it because he requested space. That way you can look like you are having fun, GAL instead of avoiding him.
It does sound like your H may be starting to deal with some of his issues? Hopefully that is why you are feeling a positive change between the two of you. Actually you are doing a great job with yours too (always reacting and analysing).
Me-36 H-30 T-7yr, M-3yr DivorceBusting Saved my marriage! sep 6-08 to 12-08. Together again, things are good!
Opt has it put really well. That is exactly what I meant about staying with a friend. Do it for YOU. It has nothing to do with him. And if he wants to throw a fit or get dramatic then it is HIS problem. I know you are married but I feel you need to separate yourself from him mentally, just a little bit. Does that make sense?
Pisces--great to hear from you! Actually H has not agreed to work on anything and in the last real conversation we had, he said he wanted a D still and wanted to move out, and I freaked out. What happened then is that he left for a business trip the next day and I sent him an email saying I couldn't stop him from moving out, didn't want him to, but that I loved him no matter what and would even help him if he needed me too. I did a lot of soul searching before sending it to make sure that it was genuine, even though it killed me. We haven't talked about that email yet, but he has said thank you for giving him time to think, and has said that he needed to think on the email. So things are better now and they have been for about 1 1/2 weeks, but H has not actually agreed to anything yet., and there have been no R talks for 1 1/2 weeks.
Opt and Daisy--I really do understand what you are saying about staying somewhere else. I will think about it. It is just really exhausting for me to go back and forth like that with work. I do see the point and I know it's not about him it's about me. I also get the point about not examining every pixel :). That is my biggest problem I think, and the thing that ends up driving me crazy. Opt--I think that H may possibly be dealing with some of his issues, am not sure yet. I do know he is still going to his IC, and he is definitely telling me more about things that are unrelated to the M that bother him. This does lead me to believe that he is starting to see that the issues he thought were all me/M maybe are not. I'll reserve judgment on that for the moment though as I am trying not to assume anything here :).
Thanks all for checking in on me. Tonight I will have some space as H has classes until 11, and I am also going to drinks with coworkers. On another note, I know this is me looking at every detail again, but this one is actually kind of important I think. Last night there was a tiny bit of affection in bed. H put his feet against me, something he used to do because he is always too cold and I am always too hot-sounds weird but I always really liked it. Then he rubbed his nose against my face because his nose was cold. I know, very little things, but one of my mini goals was some kind of physical affection beyond ML. He also woke up and sort of grabbed at me during the night in something that could have become ML. I didn't really respond this time beyond moving closer to him, so it didn't go anywhere, but he is definitely noticing me more and more in bed.
OK will try not to obsess over small details today, unless any more of my mini goals are met :). I really do think we're in Stage 2 finally, and it's a very comfortable place to be--that's the best way to describe the interactions now. I am not pushing H at this point on anything. Honestly I will continue to make my own plans, and do my own things, remaining friendly and interested, but not clingy or acting like a GF, or asking him to do anything with me. As Jody suggested I should be acting like H is a guy that I like, who I want to have pursue me a bit. I feel like this is starting to work, even within the house.
So thanks all for checking in on me and looking out for my best interests. My non-H goal today is to get caught up at work and try to start re-establishing myself there. I think this is the best thing I can do with my energies right now.
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
It sounds like things are still heading in the right direction for you two. I know everyone is suggesting that you go to your friends house but I don't know if I would personally suggest this right now. I think that you being there is letting him see how it is with you there because the whole time H was 'thinking' you weren't there now he gets to remember life with you. Plus I'm sure that it is crazy for yourself having to keep moving around. I think a great alternate might be to just keep busy with GAL and showing that you have other things to do than wait for him to ask you to go out.
This is just my honest opinion. At the same time I think that everyone is correct in telling you not to analyze everything!!! As I said in my post I was always doing the same thing and this past time having the conversation with my H and not analyzing it made me feel like such a weight was lifted off of me. Just enjoy the positives!!!
This is pretty much where I'm coming from too...I mean I am happy to stay at my friend's house from time to time and I do have fun doing it for the most part, but at the moment I think the biggest need is for H to see what life together could be like these days. He was brooding for so long about how miserable things were, and focusing only on the past...Hopefully now he will see that things have changed for the better, but the only way to see that is to be around each other. I feel like we have made a lot of progress over the last 5 days. We've done some normal things together like walking to the train station, going to the grocery store, working out, and watching TV. Before this time, I couldn't have even fathomed this level of togetherness; he quite literally did not want to be around me. I do realize that I may still need to go away for awhile, but as long as it seems that H truly wants me around, then I am happy to continue this as I really am enjoying it. I agree that I need to continue GAL by making plans on my own. I have not and will not ask H to do anything with me at this stage. It all needs to come from him, and if it doesn't, then I will have my own things to do.
You're right of course about the over analysis...I don't know how to stop this! It is all I can do not to post every time H IMs me and ask why it is so short, or some other thing. I am getting a little more comfortable though, and am starting to believe that not everything is leading up to an R talk or spew. I am incredibly grateful to be where I am at now, and I know it's light years from where I was at this summer. When I think back on that time, I just realize how much H really did not want our M to continue. It's hard for me to even think about some of those conversations without feeling sick. I know we're not out of the woods as H hasn't told me that he feels differently, but for now I am content with this nearly 2 weeks without R talks, without arguments, without tears...I haven't cried in quite awhile now, and even though I'm still torn up inside, I think I'm more stable than I was...
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
HI ITH~ wow- thanks for catching me up...it seems odd that you are together and his actions say one thing yet his words are saying another. I would try (as hard as it is) to just let his actions speak. is words are very confusing and are truly a result of his frustration. It is so hard to not take what he says personally and it must be a struggle...but i know you can do it! you are already doing it...GAL and doing your own thing without waiting for him to ask- i know how painful that is...
im really proud of you ill try to stay caught up !
xo P
Pisces M 31 H 32 M 7 yrs S 5/10 Beginning Contact! Vibes Hot Tub Cheese
I'm going to try to focus on the actions. It has been nearly 2 weeks now since we've had any kind of talk about anything R related, but I don't want to push him. It will have to come up at some point, but right now I am content to live in this limbo where at least we are spending time together. Things are a little awkward, but I feel like they are getting a little bit less awkward as time goes on.
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
So no big updates here. H texted on his way home from class last night to ask if there was food in the house. I like this normalcy.
When he got home, he came to bed and said that he'd been thinking of some funny things I'd done when we were on one of our trips a couple of years ago. It was nice that he had been thinking about something positive like that. We laughed for a few minutes about this...
No real affection as usual but he did put his feet against me again for a few minutes, and this was nice. He was a little bit rude a couple of times though. He asked me what I did after I got home from work, and I told him I worked out, got online etc., and he said that it was a really boring conversation. He was joking around I think, but every once inawhile he just throws in these negative things that seem to come from nowhere. They are nowhere near as bad as the things he'd been saying before, and I laugh them off, but I feel like maybe he is still seeing if I will react in certain ways. I know him pretty well, and I think he is pushing against getting too close to me right now. He still seems like a wounded animal who every once inawhile lashes out, albeit much less harshly than before. I think the only thing that can change that is time, hopefully more time spent together...
Wondering what this weekend will bring now...
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
P