I'm not sitting on the fence, I only got proof on Friday...
I am trying to figure out the best course, and to think 2-3 steps ahead.
I want to clip her relationship w/this OM, but the questions then come up on do I kick her out or not? And what about the other (single OMs) she has out of state? And... Is there a way to do this without our R going so toxic that reconcilliation is a pipe dream?
I suggest you take one day to think about what you want, and what you will -- and won't tolerate. Your non-negotiable "boundaries of personal integrity," as they were. Then sit down with your wife, and lovingly but firmly confront her with your knowledge of what she's doing, and let her know from here on out there will be limits as to what you will put up with. Tell her that you are aware of her grievances with you, and that you're willing to work on them, but not as long as there's a third person in the marriage.
The way I put it to my wife was "I know what you're doing with (OM), and it has to stop. Now. It's incredibly disrespectful to me, to our marriage, and to our family." I told her that I loved her, and I was willing to work on our marriage, but I would NOT live in a marriage with three people in it, and I would not be made a fool of.
It took me three months of hard, hard work, but I was able to bust her affair, and she returned to our marriage.
It can be done. But nothing good is going to happen while she is getting some of her emotional and financial needs met by you, and some of her other emotional and physical needs met by her boyfriend.
It's time to set some boundaries. Only YOU know what those are -- they should be gut-level, non-negotiable "dealbreakers" that, if crossed, violate your own sense of personal integrity. Because allowing those boundaries to be crossed on a weekly (and even daily) basis will do more to eat away at, and eventually KILL, your self-esteem that her actual adultery will.
If you listen to no other advice here, heed what Puppy says. You have to figure out what you are and are not willing to deal with, lay it out for her and then see where it goes. Put the ball in here court. I would also strongly advocate telling OMW, that way everyone is on a level playing field and bringing harsh reality will kill some of the "fantasy" of the A.
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
The "i'm willing to work on the marriage" portion will fall on deaf ears, since she is very clear that she is not willing to do this. That's why I feel stuck with requesting her to leave the house if she is going to disrespect me in this way. Threatening her with me divorcing her will be a blessing for her, it's what she's been trying to get for the past year...
OM has told her that he is "ok in a relationship with her on top of his marriage, and they both express a desire to be free of "traditional thinking". Which is one more reason to let OMW know first, so that I can make my point about her needing to leave once they have crumbled.
Puppy, any thoughts on the questions I posed above (here they are again?
<quote> I want to clip her relationship w/this OM, but the questions then come up on do I kick her out or not? And what about the other (single OMs) she has out of state? And... Is there a way to do this without our R going so toxic that reconcilliation is a pipe dream? </quote>
I want to clip her relationship w/this OM, but the questions then come up on do I kick her out or not?
If her relationship ends, why would she need to leave? Tell her she's free to leave if she wishes, but you remain committed to the marriage, and to wanting to work on your issues. WHATEVER you do, YOU don't leave your house.
Quote:
And what about the other (single OMs) she has out of state?
What about them? Are you asking if you should somehow try to expose each of these relationships? I suggest that you tell her that you know about ALL of these relationships, and that if these are the people she wants to be with, she should call them and see if they have any extra room for her at their place.
Her behavior is unconscionable. She's probably wondering why you're not putting your foot down.
She's probably wondering why you're not putting your foot down.
I don't think she is wondering at all, in her mind we've been working on a divorce agreement for 4-5 months already, so it's clear we're separating, and her actions (to her) are consistent with that. We are simply room mates in her mind.
I will insist that she leave if she wants to maintain contact with these folks. BTW - on Thursday we have another 4-way with the lawyers. I'm fairly certain that they will protect W from getting the immediate boot. However, they will also back me in demanding a stop to the EAs/PAs, as these run counter the the collaborative process while we're under the same roof. So they will effectively tell her also that she needs to stop dating, or to move out.
Oh, yeah, I sat W down tonight and re-did our budget. I added another column next to the prior budget we had been working on showing how we'd support two households with two incomes.
We went through the cuts that we need to make now, while she is out of work, and she could see in black and white how far away she is from affording her own place. In addition, I made the statement that the legal fees to all the professionals we're using will be deducted from our individual equity shares. She objected saying that's not what we agreed -- I corrected her that it was exactly what we agreed with the lawyers). This may all seem like minutia to y'all, but the net-net effect of all of this is that she is starting to get the picture that she is going to be miles and miles from owning her dream condo.
I still go back to bringing in OM's W into this. I really think that would give your W a view on just how much harm she is causing.....and make her realise that OM hasn't quite got the handle on reality your W thinks he has.
When my H was faced with the harsh reality of what it would do to him financially......and how far I would go both finanacially and emotionally, he reviewed the process very qickly.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
