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#81213 10/16/01 12:53 AM
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quote:
I think this place brings some comfort during their struggle.

Kent, I see what you mean, that using a support group for comfort is often a good thing. So if you or LAN or anyone else can hang in there because of online or any other support, that is fine. When I started having really down times a few years back, I found such help at a local chapter of a depression support group. I wanted to understand what might be going on in my husband's mind while he was depressed, since he couldn't express it adequately himself. It really did help to hear others tell about how it feels to deal with depression. Of course, it can't heal his depression, or make him feel emotions normally again, but somehow it helped me to cope better. "Any port in a storm..."
Golden


#81214 10/25/01 01:24 AM
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Nicky,
I have a couple of small suggestions.
First, try to "catch him in the act of getting it right and bring on the fan fare." In other words, when he does the smallest thing that shows caring, respect, or even just consideration towards your mom, make a really big deal about it and let him know how much you appreciate it. That's the best way to shape someone else's behavior- positive reinforcement, not criticism for failure. You can consider thanking him for allowing your mom to live with you (even if his family members have done the same in the past!)

Secondly, I'm glad to hear he is willing to work on other areas of your marriage. You know, research shows that 60% of what healthy couples argue about is unresolvable! This means that you two might always have issues about family. The truth is, the good should outweigh the bad. Although he might never meet your expectations about your mom, he might be a good husband in other ways. You can still have a good marriage even if he is less than perfect towards your mom. I know you wish it were otherwise and so do I for your sake, but if it doesn't change, it might not be the end of the world. Once you start to mellow on this issue, I have a prediction. he just might start being kinder towards her. It's funny, but it often works that way. I sure hope it will for you.
Michele



The Divorce Buster
#81215 10/25/01 01:27 AM
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Michele Offline OP
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Junebug,
I don't think you blew it. But what has happened since you last posted? Did he come back? HAs he been pursuing you at all? Where do things stand now?
Michele


The Divorce Buster
#81216 10/25/01 01:29 AM
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Michele Offline OP
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Canadian,
I think your plan sounds fine. I don't have further suggestions about it either. Hope things are going well.

Kent and Wantittowork,
Thanks for your very kind feedback!
Michele



The Divorce Buster
#81217 10/25/01 03:24 PM
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Hi Michelle,
Thanks for responding. Things have actually been going pretty good lately. He has still not moved home yet but has told me and others that he is going to soon. We have continued to go to church every week together (for the past three weeks) and I even got two dozen roses delivered to me yesterday!! The only thing that worries me is the during the past couple of weeks, he is basically unavailable to be on the weekends. He still lives with his cousin and they would have get-togethers there with their friends and I have never been invited. (He still seems to want the party-life on the weekends) I haven't really said anything to him about it (no nagging) other than telling him that it kinda hurts my feelings that he doesn't want me around his friends. I am afraid that they will be a reason for his backsliding on coming home. These people are "partiers" and have introduced my H into some questionable things (pills, excessive drinking). I feel like he wants to break away from that in his heart but the peer pressure is too much on the weekends. Unfortunately, these people also work for our company so it's not like they are going to disappear after he comes home!! Any thoughts?
LC


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#81218 10/25/01 05:19 PM
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Michele Offline OP
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Junebug,
I am really glad that things have been better (Roses? I'll say they're better!) and that he's planning on coming home. Great! I do think that eventually the two of you are going to have to work out some agreement about how you spend your time on weekends. But I'd say that for now, wait a while and let the good feelings between you grow. Once he's certain he wants to come home, it's time for a solution-oriented discussion about expectations. You can get some help on that by re-reading Step #3- Ask for what you want.

But it sounds as if you're on a roll, and that's great. Keep up the great work.
Michele



The Divorce Buster
#81219 10/25/01 06:01 PM
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Hi Michele,
Any more thoughts on my last post on page 2?

Thank you in advance for your time and advice.

LAN


#81220 10/26/01 01:11 AM
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Hello Junebug,
Hope your situation continues to improve. It sounds like your husband really wants to be with you, but sometimes he has a hard time with other "temptations" of sorts; i.e., his weekend activities. If he takes his religion seriously (which he probably does), he may eventually come to realize that he can find the strength to overcome things like this that call him away from a more solid lifestyle with you. Maybe he's a bit spaced-out by the fact that his family is growing and he'll soon have more responsibility to another child. He might just be rebelling on some level until he gets used to that. Did he act like this before your first child was born?
Well, good luck!
Golden

#81221 10/28/01 04:33 AM
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Thanks for the feedback Michele.

So far it's working. She hasn't responded to my counter proposal, other than to live it

The upshot is that we're nicer towards each other. And my PMA seems to be getting better. I think it's because I'm surrounding myself with friends.

[ October 27, 2001: Message edited by: IAMCANADIAN ]



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#81222 12/01/01 11:44 PM
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I just posted for the first time on "Let's get started" and then started reading "New Questions" when my husband called. He wanted to talk about picking up the Christmas tree for his place and sounded very up-beat. In fact the past three days he has called for one thing or another and our conversations have been short but friendly. Before this latest phone call I started thinking that my LRT had been working. I rarely call him, when I see him I act as if and have changed a great deal with the nagging and pursuing. But this latest phone call makes me scared. He sounded so happy and talked sounded so positive that I'm afraid he is enjoying living by himself and having me out of his life. Has anyone encountered this before and if so how did you handle it? Is it time for more changes on my part? If so, I'm not sure what those will be cause I am actually happy now but would still like to work on our marriage and stop these divorce proceedings. Michelle, can you give some input as what to do when he honestly sounds happy without you but yet seems friendlier lately when you do talk? Just what I need now is more confusion in my life!! (LOL) I'm really trying to keep my sense of humor about me as well! Which is one of the things I miss about him - his sense of humor!!

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