First, lets be glad you got all this anger off your chest on here and not on someone else. Especially your H, and I'm very proud of you for keeping it separate. That would be very easy to bring old stuff back up.
second, you really do have to realize, as OT said, no one is perfect, and in this society, the society that almost glamorizes affairs, (see any actress/actor M history), it is so so easy to fall into the temptation of cheating. I know exactly how you feel Nik, and perhaps, and most likely that will never be you, (I say most likely because you can never say never, but you've been thru the pain on the other side and that will be a reminder to you if ever temptation passes your way). However, it's not that she has no morals, it's the fact that she still loves her husband but he was not meeting her needs and she had been suffering, not knowing how to communicate properly, and then in walks someone else who DOES meet her needs, and it consumes her.
If this had not happened to me 8 years ago, I would be thinking exactly like you. I WAS that person who would never in a million years cheat on someone. Everyone and their dog would never have thought I would do that. Thankfully I did not ML either, but it came really close, and looking back I am so shocked that I did that. It was like it was not me. I can't explain how it happens, but it's really like quicksand, if you just start to step in, it pulls you and pulls you and you can't get out.
I know that this IS still fresh, but try to release the anger because she is a sinner, like I am a sinner, and you are a sinner, and everyone on this planet. Some will sin huge sins, and others may be mother theresa. But we must be open to forgive, because she is hurting and she is lost and I hope that you will be able to share this place with your brother and that he will be open to learn from it. I know he is hurting, because it is the worst experience a person can go thru besides losing a child.
Right now, I would suggest to just validate your brothers feelings, do not say things against her... think of how you felt when your mom would say bad things about your H during your sitch. I know you were trying to save things then, but your brother may decide to try too in the near future.
but, on a good note, I'm very glad that you have realized the work load at home difference, and that you plan to talk about it constructively. Remember that Michelle said if someone is doing 90%, then the other person will only give 10%. And because your H is a guy, you most likely will need to spell it all out for him, with what you need him to do and help you with. I know, it would be nice for them to just get up and help, but they need specifics.
take care, and try not to transfer some of your pain from H, onto your SIL and father. I believe that is probably part of the problem too.
((Nik))
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
oh, I forgot to add. and I'm not sure this would be how guys feel, because they are different, but most women are very emotional. and when I cheated, although I was very sucked in by this man, the whole time I was wishing it was my H doing all these things. I just didn't realize that if only I had changed, that my H and my R would have changed too. But I was trying to get him to understand MY way, the cheeseless tunnel way, and never realized it wasn't working because I wasn't trying something different.
anyways, had to clarify that, because I think for women, that might be how a lot of WAS may feel.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
have a wonderful weekend, and do something nice for yourself
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
The story just keeps getting worse and worse for my brother. I feel so awful for him. The latest? He's supposed to be sharing the most exciting news of his life with us, and instead he is having to call and say "My wife's pregnant, hopefully it's mine." I talked to him for about 2.5 hours on Friday night and it just hurt, not being able to help with his pain. Hopefully talking helped some.
ST, I really do need to treat myself. On Saturday I was extremely drained so I didn't do much (had some fun plans for a Mardi Gras thing Friday night but missed that for obvious reasons). Sunday I did about 90% of our taxes.. fun fun. I'll try to fit in something nice mid-week, though.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
I'm very sorry. He's got a great sis though, and you can teach him a lot. Have you given him the book yet? He will hear what you have to say, but people usually will heed the advice of a professional before they heed a friend or family member.
yes, definitely do something nice for yourself. That stinks that you didn't get to go to your mardi gras plans. It's nice that you are being there for your bro, but don't forget about you and your own M. Also, maybe it would help to just take him out somewhere, get him distracted? she had kicked him out right? I can't remember. Has he made any progress for himself? (not the M, but for him specifically)
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Thanks Michelle and ST. I just feel so bad for him.
ST - no, haven't given him the book. I'm not sure I will, actually. I know that sounds surprising... but he is VERY touchy about the "self help book" subject. My Dad is constantly trying to force stuff on him (and has since he was in his teens), and it's made him very defensive (not quite the right word but I can't think of what to call it). His attitude is "yeah you've been in counseling your whole life and read every self help book ever written and it didn't do you any good, why bother wasting the time and money." He's more receptive to the idea from his friends and he's warming up to the IC idea though. I think he's starting to see that it is helpful for some people, my Dad's just got really major chemical imbalance issues.
Also, I think (at least so far) that this is a deal-breaker for him. I don't think he WANTS to "bust" the D. I know that the book is about far more than that, but I think it's maybe not quite the right fit for him since the focus is on saving the M. If he gets to a point of wanting to save it or even consider it, I will suggest it (gently!) to him.
The call on Friday was literally the first time he had reached out to me by any means other than short emails, so there was no question on the party vs. talking to him. I will keep that in mind, though. Thanks ST.
He kicked her out, actually, and she's living on a friend's couch. And yes, that actually is progress for himself. Instead of being passive he took a stand, and he did what he needed to do for himself. I'm proud of him for that. He is also reaching out to more family and friends, so that's good. He spent Valentine's weekend out of town visiting old friends, and this weekend he's joining my Dad for a hike (progress for both of them as it means Dad's finally getting out more too!).
I am just so heartbroken for him, especially about the baby. He's 32 - it's not exactly the best age to have not even met the mother of your child yet, you know? Well, unless the baby ends up being his and she doesn't abort it - they don't know whose it is yet and I have a feeling she may get an abortion before she's even far enough along to find out. He's trying to get her to at least wait until a few MC sessions. We'll see. Sadly I don't think he has realized yet that he has no say, even if it is his, so I know that will hit him hard too if she goes through with it. Assuming the child doesn't end up being born or being his, I think about the years of healing he has ahead, then the time to meet someone and build an R... then decide to have kids... it's just tough.
He's always wanted so much to be a Dad and they kept waiting for the "right time", then finally last fall decided there's no "right time" so they should just go for it. And now it's turned into this.
You don't get that first "I'm gonna be a Dad!" moment back and she destroyed it. I am sure at some point I will be able to forgive her but at the moment I absolutely hate her for that. I am even more glad now than I was before that I kept so much of the details in my sitch from my family. Reconciling is hard enough - this would have made it a thousand times harder.
Anyway...bleh... sorry for all the negativity! I had to get it out somewhere and it's been extremely hard not to get into a downward spiral talking about it with my parents. I figure it's better here.
In positive news...I got out of work before it was dark yesterday. Yay! Things are looking up on the work front, for sure. That will resolve a lot of things all by itself - having some time to myself and having my stress level go way down. So I'm glad for that.
Thanks for being here, friends.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
But we must be open to forgive, because she is hurting and she is lost and I hope that you will be able to share this place with your brother and that he will be open to learn from it. I know he is hurting, because it is the worst experience a person can go thru besides losing a child. 
I talked to him for about 2.5 hours on Friday night and it just hurt, not being able to help with his pain. Hopefully talking helped some. 
I'm very sorry. He's got a great sis though, and you can teach him a lot. Have you given him the book yet? He will hear what you have to say, but people usually will heed the advice of a professional before they heed a friend or family member.