NikB #33 Keep on Keepin On...

[S.T. _I Made It!]

sending love your way this week!

[NikB]

Thanks Michelle and ST!!

Thinking of everyone here often, even if I haven't been on much.

ST... well, I wish.. the "something good" at this point is basically "still having a job." But, in this economy, that's pretty darn good. I have hope that I'll be rewarded for all this extra work once things turn around (at least, my managers have implied that I should ).

M/R is doing pretty good.. better than a month or so ago, for sure. I can't believe it's been so long since I posted. H has been really wonderful lately and we're getting better (ever so slowly, but better) at talking about things. The "another bomb's on the way" feeling has faded for now, so that's good.

I finally have 20 minutes to post an update and wanted to share more R stuff... but have something else I need to post/vent about instead.

So what a weekend.

Friday night, I learned that my brother found out his wife has cheated on him. Oh, and with his co-worker and one of the few friends he's made in the new city they're in. First she fessed up to kissing the guy then after a week of lies fessed up to more. So, given how whatever people fess up to is often far less than reality, there's probably a lot more pain in store for him.

And I am in total shock. She's been part of our family since she was 15. I knew they were not totally happy but they have been talking about it, working on it, etc. They were at our house the week before for Christmas and things seemed relatively good. And of everyone I know, she's probably the person I would guess least likely to do that.

I know.. given all the stuff I've read here I shouldn't be surprised. But, I am. There are people who I would HOPE wouldn't do this but I wouldn't be totally floored by it. Her... no way.

I thought she had enough morals and strength of character to at least leave rather than cheat. Had she left, honestly, I would have understood and empathized with her. I would have been there for my brother, but I would have understood why she left. In fact I think we've all been expecting that news, at least a trial separation.

And I know, all too well, the "it's a symptom of other problems" and all that but you know what? Right now I really don't care. I am so angry, so hurt, so crushed for my brother. I see now why people sometimes say not to tell the family - because at the moment, I cannot imagine EVER forgiving her. He!! I can't even imagine speaking to her again. Maybe it's just because it's so fresh.

He's going through all the awful "bomb" stuff that we know so well. And he has to face this co-worker every day. I am sure if he had even decent job prospects elsewhere he'd quit in a heartbeat. I don't know which is worse - knowing that your spouse is working with the affair partner, or having to face them yourself every day!

To top it off... my Dad apparently thought this would be a good time to confess to us kids that he cheated on my Mom. Twice. Actually three times but he apparently doesn't consider the last one "cheating" because he didn't actually have sex with her until after they separated. (this one I knew about... this was his STBXW and I had pieced things together and knew their R started before he left). But the other two I didn't know.

My brother calls him extremely upset and my Dad tells him THIS?? Then emails it to me, so that I know from him and don't hear it from my brother. Yay, I get to have it in writing, so I can read over and over how nonchalant he was about betraying my mother.

I know that he told my brother because he asked and my dad didn't want to lie. My brother was upset and saying things like "this is so awful, does this happen to everyone?" and then asked. And my Dad told him. Since my brother asked I guess he was kind of stuck, and at least he was honest. But the worst of it was, he basically blew it off. They were "one night stands" and the women approached him rather than him approaching them. Like that justifies it. The only thing he said about it was "I know that doesn't make it OK." Oh, and he was glad to finally get it off his chest because he felt guilty. (barely, it sounded like).

OMG.

1. I do not want to know this much information.

2. What an a$$hole. And he's my Dad who I love and am so close to. My head is spinning.

3. Seriously? NOW? How freaking selfish. How nice that you got to get rid of your guilt and pile more pain onto your son who is already in agony. I wouldn't have wanted him to lie, but couldn't he have responded in a more compassionate way?

4. AN EA IS AN AFFAIR!!! THE EA YOU HAD WITH YOUR STBXW WAS AN AFFAIR AND YES YOU WERE CHEATING ON MY MOM. When you are married, going out to coffee, drinks, lunches, dinners, movies, spending time together on holidays with someone you're attracted to and who is not your spouse IS AN AFFAIR. I don't care if you haven't had sex with her yet. (in fact, I really don't even want to KNOW about your sex life - yuck!!!!) I had finally somewhat forgiven this one, until he brought it up and made it sound like nothing. He also said he understood how it felt because his STBXW is 'cheating' on him because she started dating a few months ago. Yeah... 18 months AFTER SHE LEFT. Big difference.

He also said he didn't feel it was fair for him to have a "double standard" when it comes to SIL. So... what does that mean?? It's OK that she cheated on my brother because Dad did the same thing?!?!?! I guess it's OK with Dad if my H cheats on me, too. I mean, otherwise it'd be a double standard.

How on earth do I get past that?? I can't wrap my mind around it.

My Dad and I have always been really, really close, and I can't even bring myself to think about talking to him right now. I can't respond to his email because what do I say? He doesn't even have a clue why my brother doesn't want to talk to him right now. Or why I haven't responded about him coming out to H's race this weekend.

uuuuuugghhhhh

Sorry..

I finally have time for an update and have all this crud to share. But thanks for listening.

[oldtimer]

They are human. Pretty much everyone has done terrible things. If your H is forgivable/redeemable, then so are these folks.

Your father is wise to recognize that bad actions done by people in pain don't make them damnable. He is demonstrating compassion. He is also probably demonstrating hatred at his own actions by his own very flat acknowledgment of them, it is probably very hard for him right now to get any closer to his thoughts and feelings about them. I agree that his timing is poor, no doubt. But it was probably a combination of engaging in self-defense and trying to help your brother that led to him spilling the beans.

Very sorry about the tough news, it is so hard to have your world view shaken up in such ways.

[Dr LOve]

Hey Nikki,,
I really don't know what to say. None of us could ever put ourselves in the other person’s shoes but working with the guy? That has to be a tough one.
If your brother needs someone to talk to you have my number. Don't worry you and I just met one day on one of your Wine tasting trips and I told you about my problems. All I "know " about you is you live in Sac and your husband is into racing....

Wish I could give ya that real hug we owe each other. Being what we went through when ever we hear about someone having an affair it does kind of open up old wounds.
Take care of yourself girl..

Doc

[NikB]

Thanks Oldtimer. You're always good at making me see things from a different (and more rational) perspective. Agreed.. in time you're right, it is forgivable. At the moment, I am still furious, shocked, disappointed, though. I see where you are coming from with the demonstrating compassion, I really do... maybe it was the timing, maybe it was the tone. The way he did it felt almost like he was choosing to dismiss how it was making my brother feel.

I agree, a lot of it probably had to do with self-defense. After all, I was/am extremely upset and angry with her (and so is my brother obviously!). Since what we're angry at is her actions.. and he did the same thing... well, it makes sense. I guess it worked too. There is no way I will be talking to him about it or my feelings about it anytime soon. I doubt my brother will, either.

One of my first thoughts when I heard the news was "wow, guess I was right." I went through a phase where I was on here too much, and I really started hating people for the pain they inflicted on each other. And no I'm not "WAS bashing", I'm aware that there's a lot of pain on both sides. It took me awhile to dig myself out of that and see the good in people again. I had to step back and realize that many people DO work through their problems and remain faithful to their spouses, and while they may cause the other pain sometimes it's not intentional or willfull. Only to find out that apparently, my own father and sister in law don't even fall in that category. Don't get me wrong - I understand what drove them to it, but I'm sorry... I will never feel that an affair is an acceptable way to clue your spouse in that there's a problem. Leaving or threatening to leave, if it comes to that, yes... cheating on them, no. I have no choice to accept that apparently plenty of people disagree with me, but I have a choice in how I feel about it.

I guess it makes me doubt the whole point of marriage or even long term Rs, for that matter. Why bother? It's like it means so little to people anymore. I'm not feeling that way so much NOW, but have been fighting it ever since I heard the news.

Ok.. shaking it off now!

One positive thing that it's done is shake me up again regarding my own R/M - in a good way. The night I heard the news H was incredible how he handled it and me. I was so grateful for that and made sure that he knew it, and why. Specifics... not just "thanks for being there," but specifics about what I appreciated.

And I was proud of myself, too, because it didn't dredge up a bunch of negative "stuff" towards my H. Obviously it's a harsh reminder of how I felt early on - but I didn't get angry at H all over again, or feel this need to go off about anything that happened between us. That's a big shift for me. And it's not that it came up and I "stuffed" it - truly, it didn't come up. I kept it (as it should be I think) about my brother.

Small victories, right?

[NikB]

Hey Manuel,

I posted while you were... thanks to you as well! Thanks for the offer to talk to him, too. Right now everything is so raw that he's barely talking to anyone. He told us the news via email and asked us not to call, to let him call us when he was ready, so most of our communication has been via email. The one time he reached out was that phone call to my Dad, which obviously went horribly. When he does get to that point though, I will keep the idea in mind. Thank you!

[oldtimer]

"but I'm sorry... I will never feel that an affair is an acceptable way to clue your spouse in that there's a problem"

Of course it isn't.

[MichelleLT]

(((((((Nikki)))))))

Wow. What a bunch of shockers.

I can see why your head is just spinning.

We are all human. We all make mistakes. But wow.

[Trixi]

I am so glad that you were able to take this difficult news and use it to move things along in your M/R.

I guess it makes me doubt the whole point of marriage or even long term Rs, for that matter. Why bother? It's like it means so little to people anymore. I'm not feeling that way so much NOW, but have been fighting it ever since I heard the news.

I totally get that. I am glad you are feeling better now, though.

I am curious about what has strengthened your relationship lately? and did you find a "big" mutual goal? (Or is the goal to just survive the extra work load?)
(((Nik)))

[NikB]

Thanks all! I really need to catch up on everyone.

OT - quick clarification, I didn't think you were saying/implying that you felt that way about affairs. I meant it more generally but realized it could have 'sounded' wrong.

(((Michelle))) thank you!! Yes... definitely lots of shockers.

(((Trixi))) thanks for visiting. What has strengthened it? I really can't say exactly. I know this is very vague but it feels like for once we're kinda in synch about how much we're both "trying" or something. I need to think about it more.

I/we haven't had a lot of time to think/focus on that larger goal.. but yes, getting through the work load is certainly a goal right now! Actually it's weird because H's work is so slow he's getting home ridiculously early most days, while I'm lucky to get home by 7. The good news is I finally got past my anxiety about that. As you can imagine it was freaking me out a little bit knowing he had sooo many hours of "nothing to do" time. He's been doing a lot of side work to make up for the lack of work at his "day job" though. He was also very understanding about my anxiety and has been very open about what he's doing during that time, so that's good.

There's still one thing that I need to handle. I don't think I realized just HOW out of whack the "household chores" were until our schedules were so off balance. I just thought of it as "well we both worked hard all day and XYZ needs to get done" so I'd do it. So.. something to address. I was letting myself get really resentful about it and then realized it was in many ways my fault for not talking to him about it, so I need to do that. No expecting each other to be mind readers. That's what got us in trouble in the first place.

------

My brother reached out to my Mom last night and they talked for almost an hour, so I was really glad about that. I was afraid after he got so hurt talking to my Dad he'd be scared to reach out to any of us for awhile. I guess he pretty much sobbed the whole time. ugh. I just feel so awful for him and so helpless. Although I am glad that I've been through so much and been on here so much. When he's ready, I feel like I will be able to help him so much more than I could have before.

As I suspected, the whole thing was more than a "dumb drunken New Year's Eve mistake." She's since confessed to sleeping with the guy at least one other time since then. And the whole New Year's incident sounded awfully premeditated so I have a feeling it's been going on awhile.

I am very proud of my brother, though. He knew Valentine's Day was going to be rough. Rather than hole up in his/their apartment (I'm still unclear on if she's still living there - he told my Dad he was kicking her out on Sunday but I don't know if he did), he called some of his old friends in San Diego who know what's been going on, and asked if he could come visit. They were thrilled to have him - so he's going on a mini vacation for the 3 day weekend. It's a great way to take good care of himself. I think we all know just how hard that is so close to the bomb, so I'm very happy that he's doing this.

ahh back to work... but thanks all for being here for me, especially when I've been MIA for awhile.